the Energy of Transformation...

This is why I practice, to transform. Of course I'm appreciating this on a day that I did not practice any asana, I did practice pranayama and chanted Ommmm... for a while this morning, and had full intention of practicing after my class, but I was hungry, so I went to eat breakfast, then thought I would practice a few hours later when my belly was empty, then had another bought of hunger (strong hunger patterns today lol) and so ate, now it could happen again but I am slated to meet a friend for dinner in about 45 minutes, so no asana for me today, and in thinking about this this morning at Starbucks the title for this post came up and then I went through a mental process to figure out what that meant to me, so here it is. To me the physical practice of asana, one of the limbs of yogic philosophy, is essential. To some, it may not be so much, but for me its a much needed thing. My body is too unhappy when I don't, today its not bothering me at all (cumulative effects I imagine) but very often it is, and when its not happy, its hard to focus on anything else. It is housing my spirit after all, so its important. Anyhow, so I love moving and putting my body into these interesting shapes, breathing into them and feeling the energy move through a space, maybe in a way that it never has before, or in a familiar way that I know is signifying that that area is opening up the way I know it can, either way is wonderful to me. And in the Ashtanga Yoga tradition between these shapes we jump back, inhale into updog, exhale into downdog and then jump back through and sit down (vinyasa), lining up for the next posture in our sequence So lately I've been having a lot of sensation in my arms during the vinyasa portion of my practice. Not pain, not nervous twitching, not even muscular strain, just sensation. Sensation that sometimes makes me feel like I'm too weak to do yet another vinyasa, or that I need to give up and stop my practice, and then I think nonsense! I've done this for many years, I know I can make it through this part of the practice especially! So I go forward, not pushing physically, just breathing more deeply, feeling the sensation, letting it be there and then it passes eventually. So what happens next are thoughts pop up, or memories of things that have left an impression on me, or an icky feeling with them. Depending on where I am that day, I may sit and feel the feeling, or allow the thought to be there before moving forward into my next asana or next vinyasa in preparation for my next asana, and some days I'll just keep moving forward through whatever I'm already doing and just allow the thing to be there whilst I do so. Either way, I breathe more deeply, move with that breath and allow the thing to be there, and eventually it falls away, or if its a deeper pattern (or samskara in Sanskrit) my whole practice that day may be dedicated to it, meaning it rides the whole while with me and maybe even another day before I'm able to allow it on out and through me, or before it changes to a lesser emotional or energetic sensation and then eventually passes away from me. This to me is the energy of transformation. First we notice it in the body, we are taught to believe this is everything, but of course in the yoga practice we experience that there is so much more underlying that physical sensation. Then we feel it maybe emotionally, with me its always the body, then the emotion. Then we feel it energetically, as we get more and more subtle in our ability to sense things. Once I personally feel it energetically, then I'm able to allow it to move on through and release it, transform it into the strength to move on in my practice, or to move on in my day, or week, or whole life. Or just simply as it leaves to make the space physically and energetically for more flow in our existence, body-wise or life-wise. Space in our bodies is an amazing thing to have, but when it becomes enough space that you start seeing manifest in your life, and in time, how you use your time, how you view time, or how you perceive time on the subtlest of levels, thats really wonderful, and hopefully the real reason why we do this. No, not just to alter our perception of time, but to alter our perception of "reality" even, or what we think of as reality. Because trust me, reality is never what we think it is, it is much more lined up with the energy of things than with the physical perception of things, or at least I've come to see it this way, and of course I think I'm right about this, so want you to believe it to be so as well lol. So next time you're practicing, notice, are you pushing through? On a physical level? On an emotional level? On an energetic level? Either way, just notice, observe. Even the simple act of noticing it will change it and shift it and allow you maybe to perceive it differently, if not that time, then the next. Namaste and love to you all!

Another Sunday...

Well I haven't written since last Sunday. This one was very different. I got up and practiced second series Ashtanga and then showered, went to Starbucks and taught my class at Yogasource, as usual. I then ate lunch and went to the St Louis Gay Pridefest, which I haven't went to in almost ten years I think. So, first of all, second series fired up my nervous system so intensely that my friend had to work on me to get my sacrum to release the knot it tied itself up in. That was interesting, also it just showed me how my second and first chakra issues that are ongoing, and manifesting in my life via bizarre friendship shit going on and a few other things that shall remain in my mind, not on here, are still there and I haven't dealt with them at all lol. Oh well, I do my best. So my friend came up after class and was like, well everything we did was for the sacrum today, I assume your sacrum is still locked up?!? lol, she was right, but it was a great class anyway and I enjoyed it AND teaching it took my mind off of my own bodies issues and let them release a little bit. The Pridefest was packed and the parade was just getting over when I got there, which was an hour late I believe, but there were tons of people there of all sorts, but I only ran into 5 people I knew. Good lord, I've been out in the gay lifestyle in this city for twenty four years and have been out of the scene for about 3 years and I know on that many folks?!? Well, maybe I just wasn't meant to run into all the men and women I do know, but I didn't really care at the time because it was 96 degrees and I was miserable from the heat, so I went home, took a nap and then went to Basil Spice for dinner. Now I'm home and showered and about to watch True Blood. I don't have much to say, obviously, I've just listed what I did for the day, rather than pontificated about some lofty principle! lol. But I wanted to write something. There's a lot in my head that I need out I think, but its not quite formulating into anything just yet, so I thought if I just wrote it would come up, but it hasn't, oh well again. I've tried my best! See you all soon, have an awesome week!

Sunday

So, on Sundays I just teach one class, Align and Flow. I so named this class this years ago because of my studies in alignment with Anusara Yoga and my long sordid past with Ashtanga Yoga. I like to flow through vinyasas but need to do so with alignment and breath because of tearing myself to shreds years ago practicing Ashtanga with no teacher and therefore no alignment knowledge. Also alignment means to me aligning with your inner being, which to me means strong breath and tapping into the energy of whats going on, I do believe that alignment in the physical body can help in this alignment with the inner body idea, or at least it has in my case, but I really believe that that inner alignment is tantamount to a practice and if you can tap into it it will keep you in good outer alignment, but I needed the outer alignment first to recognize the inner alignment. Ok, enough of that word, alignment lol. Funny thing is that now that I'm practicing Ashtanga again, from a new place how this class has turned into more of an Ashtanga type class, even though some of them don't know that, I do, and some of them too because many of them have been taking my classes since I was teaching only Ashtanga. Its just funny to me how it permeates my whole being. Its awakened so much in my physical body and energetic body that I can't even explain yet, but part of that is coming out in my writing on here more and in my inspiration for classes and workshops, and I've been drawing again, somewhat, not much, and writing in my journal more and more. This morning I practiced second series. I had a hard time, but made it through with deep breaths and focus on that inner feeling, I even tapped into my uddiyana bandha more deeply today than I have before. I've connected to moola bandha very well since I studied Kino's 3rd series dvd, which on the 2nd disc she has an amazing instruction on the bandhas, and since studying with her in Chicago where we did a whole 3 hour class on it. But uddiyana came this morning when I was in pincha mayurasana putting my legs into lotus/padmasana and about to lower down to karandavasana. I just sucked my lower belly in a bit more with very strong focus on the area and pulled my ujjayi breath in more deeply and just lowered down very softly and easily into the position. Now mind you I didn't make it all the way back up before jumping back for my vinyasa, but damn, the lightness with which I lowered down and maintained myself for the 5 breaths was amazing, so now I know I will get that lift up at some point, and maybe soon. So, again, it goes back to focus. Find the thing that feeds you, that inspires you and put your focus into it, your energy will align with it and you will achieve amazing things!

Focus

Funny, I wrote on commitment not too many entries ago and that equates as focus as well, to me anyway. So I've committed to the ashtanga practices, the teachings of K. Pattabhi Jois, again, because they've worked for me for years and now I feel like I've come home, sigh of relief. The funny thing is, and its really not so funny, its exactly what I believe and teach all the time, what you focus on and put energy into, will come to you full force if you're pure in your vibration about it. So here I've committed and now the whole universe is conspiring to get me teaching ashtanga again full time, I've got offers coming from every angle to teach classes at all sorts of locations and teach workshops locally all based on ashtanga, well, most of them anyway, and my schedule is changing to include some Mysore style classes finally, and a couple more led classes. And last Saturday I taught it at the park and had the largest number ever, 216 people showed up for class! That was awesome, and crazy at the same time, but I loved it and I feel blessed. I've put in the work, and finally after 11 years I lined up with what I wanted and now I'm getting it. Its awesome in the extreme. I love my life. On that note, many of my friends in the Kundalini yoga world are on their way to Summer Solstice, an event started by Yogi Bhajan 40 years ago, and it is an extreme experience for sure, transforming and wonderful, all at the same time. But I am not going, I am staying here to continue this work that feels so right right now and I'm seeing changes in my students and in myself from the teaching and the practice. But at the same time, I will miss the extreme experience, and the comradery with all the people I've grown so close with over the past three years, they are a wonderful bunch. Especially Ranjeet Kaur, a lovely person to be friends with, and to work with. Yes, at this event we work, and hard too. One of the pros of me not going! lol Anyhow, my friendships are shifting as well, along with everything else. Someone I felt I was closer to than anyone else has dumped my as a friend, blocked me on Facebook and a few other things, all to date a girl he broke up with three times already, since she hates me and my being gay, thinking he's going to want to suck my cock or be with me in some way. But I can't concern myself with her silliness, he was my friend, and loved me and I him, but has given in to this persons demand to no longer be my friend just to be with her, so maybe we were never truly friends in the first place, I don't know about you but I couldn't do that to someone I'm close to. Not just that, I really didn't mean to go on about that situation, but other people I'm feeling distant from, and others still that have surprised me, I'm feeling closer to and spending more time with. Just following the vibration I'm offering, I know, but its always still interesting to observe these things. I'm feeling very internalized this week, from my practice and in that space have been spending more time with just me, or with others who are that way a lot too. So teaching has been interesting, because it requires me to come outside, a bit, or for a bit, if not longer. I'm so loving teaching lately though that its amazing. OH, speaking of that, I taught the students this morning into such a deep state that one of them hit my car! lol. Its fine but the door is blocked from opening very wide now, so it will need to be fixed. I've been focusing on teaching to the needs of the students in my Align and Flow classes but using the Primary series to do so, so thats been interesting as well, to see how adaptable it is and how it can affect each different application of it so fully and in so many different ways! I know, I shouldn't be surprised after practicing it for more than a decade, but I am, mostly because coming to it this time, I'm in a different space energetically and and seeing it from a whole different perspective. Hmmm, good metaphor for life huh? You can't do the same thing over and over and expect different results, or as my practice has proved, coming to it from a different place in my being is proving to have amazing results too! Love and peace all, hope you're enjoying your lives as much as I am mine, if not more!

My day off...

So, I've been writing a lot when I'm super inspired, today is a test in what comes out of me when I'm not so inspired. Not to say, I'm uninspired, just that it was my day off,I got up and practiced, had Starbucks, saw Prometheus, bought a new window unit air conditioner and installed it, had my lovely friend Maria buy me a belated birthday lunch, and ate dinner at Puravegan. Oh, and had a nap lol. So, all of these things have made it a somewhat leisurely day, even though in the midst of it, it did not seem leisurely at all. Tomorrow is my Saturday morning in the park class, part of the Tower Grove Farmers Market. Its gotten so big I ordered a mic and got it in the mail so will be using it tomorrow for the first time, which I hope goes well. Its hard when there's 150+ people for them to hear me. I'm reading this book Yamas and Niyamas by Deborah Adele, and have read the Brahmacharya section and started the Aparigraha section this morning. She has an amazing spin on these ancient ethical practices that otherwise seemed daunting to me. She takes a "lofty" idea, or what seems like a lofty idea to a midwestern mind anyway, and makes it seem like the easiest thing on the planet and I've actually put some of it into action by her suggestions. Wow. If you've been trying to follow the path of yoga, not just asana, but yoga, the philosophy and all please give it a read. I bought it at Moksha in Chicago but its available on amazon and not for as much as I paid for it, but I'm in no way disappointed in the amount I paid since I'm getting so much from it. After watching Kino Macgregor discuss the sutras with such ease and knowledge of them, and hearing her speak in person I really am inspired to dig deeper into them and gain an experential knowledge, so then when someone asks I'll have an educated opinion to give. I have read them many, many times, but always come back to the same place, how does this fit in my life?!? But now, I'm seeing it, and again, this practice of ashtanga yoga is opening me up so much that I am coming to a place that these observances are naturally things that I'm wanting to acknowledge in my being. Placing restrictions on ones behaviour may not seem like opening up to many, but when you see the bigger picture, which I definitely am lately, you see the need for the compassion and care involved in relating with others, and relating with others starts at home, with oneself I believe: hence the Yamas, observances of how we interact with others, and Niyamas, observances of how we deal with ourselves. Those short definitions may be simplistic rather than full expressions of the meanings of these words, but they suit the topic I'm on. Anyhow, so think about it, how do you treat yourself? How do you treat others? Notice that usually how you treat yourself, not meaning buying yourself shit, eating well, etc, but meaning your internal dialogue with yourself, is usually how you treat others, and usually that how you treat others is behind their back, maybe? I'm speaking from experience here, not just looking to point a finger. Remember when you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you! lol So, lets be conscious, in life, not just in our asana practice. Although, the practice of asana is a great metaphor for life. On your mat are you kind, compassionate, not grasping for the next asana or a bigger, better version of one you're doing, all that and more but still disciplined in your practice? Watch that next time, and then see how it translates into your day. Thats why I'm such a big proponent of a morning practice, not only because Pattabhi told me to get up at 4am every day to practice, but in that listening to him I learned why he told me to do that. Do it, then go out into your day. Start off being conscious, aware, mindful, open, disciplined, with yourself and then take those and many more great attributes into the world and lead by example. Show others how they can be, by being it yourself. As Ghandi said, we must be the change we wish to see in the world. I'm finally understanding that quote, do you?

Commitment

How deep does your commitment go? I've had at least 5 discussions since I've been back from Chicago, and that was only this past Saturday night I got back, its Thursday, with as many people about the behaviors of yogis in the community here in St Louis. Talking about others in groups, rolling their eyes in the presence of someone they deem less of a being than they themselves purport to be, talking behind the backs of those they are friends with in person, and now the new age has added Facebook postings of their own craziness, texting and other stuff. It seemed that each discussion ended up in a study of commitment to me, how committed am I to my yoga practice. Yoga practice not just meaning asana practice, but also the ethical practices of yama and niyama, which are said to come into play once your asana practice has taken you beyond just the physical and tapped you into spirit. So, lets start with asana. I just studied with Kino Macgregor in Chicago, a most inspiring young woman who at the age of 33 is working on the 4th series of ashtanga yoga already, having been certified by K. Pattabhi Jois at the age of 28, which in itself is quite a feat. She also has branded yoga mats, mat covers, clothing and all sorts of stuff, all I think of as being so committed to her practice that she has built a passion that is drawing in the abundance of the universe to her. She is quite the amazing woman, and teacher. So in her dvd in which she practices the 3rd series, she mentions, "now at this point you're physically tired, its time to draw from spirit to make it through the rest of the practice." I heard this and was like, hmmmm, not sure what to make of that. So in my practices since that first viewing (I've watched it like 5 times) when I get to that level of exhaustion, I take a deeper breath and I feel myself go deeper, deeper into what you ask? Deeper, just deeper, I feel my inner body, organs, bones, breath moving through me, and then when I really get my bandhas engaged and my breath flowing, something else comes in and then I pull from there to make it through and man I almost make it through with more vigor and intensity before. Now when I was practicing before, 2000-2007, I was pushing through that point physically. And then was tired the rest of the day and sore. Now I feel invigorated and high, high on life and high on this connection to this deep inner being. I used to get this from KUndalini Yoga, so maybe my exploration in that practice during 2008-2011 really taught me how to get that grip on it, but it being mostly a sedentary practice, my body almost always still hurt, but not from opening, from lack of mobility and my lower spine was compressed the majority of the time, my strength was lower and my awareness of myself at the physical level was lacking. But I will always be greatful because that practice taught me commitment and to dig in deep to spirit to make it through. So, from this deeper inner experience I've found myself being super observant of the yamas and niyamas in my life and how they are manifesting in my speech, in my actions, and in my teaching most of all. I'm wondering if these people I've been hearing about, and hearing with my own ears are that deeply committed to their practice, to their inner practice. Not just doing asanas and pushing through them physically to get this amazing body and physical openness and strength, but digging into spirit whilst moving through their asana practice, so as to create a deeper inner experience during the practice, which will eventually manifest itself in the rest of the day as well. I am friends with one studio owner here in town, I work mostly for her. She is known to be scattered, changing her mind on a dime, that type of thing, and sometimes crabby or even mean. But I get along with her, I understand her and support her and now I know why. People may be perceiving her to be these outer expressions but she is so deeply committed to her inner practices that sometimes her outer lacks. I am better at allowing my inner to inform my outer, so can see the translation into my own life, but she not so much. We've all noticed that she's much better lately and thats great, but either way, I know where she's coming from, so I love and support her and see what she's doing, I get it. So when we're practicing on our mats, lets notice what comes up, how it feels and where we have to go to be able to move past or through it, and then take that thing and move it into our non-mat yoga practice, shall we? I'm in deepest appreciation for all that is happening in my life right now, after 11 years of teaching I'm seeing such amazing things manifest for myself finally, that I couldn't be anything but in appreciation. So maybe, lets start there. Appreciate that person that cuts you off in traffic, appreciate that crabby guy who bumps into you in the store and just grunts instead of apologizes, etc. All these things are showing you how you don't want to act, so you will know how you do want to be, with others, and most importantly, with yourself. Namaste, much love to you all!

Mysore style...

So, I was in Chicago from last Monday until yesterday, taking Mysore style ashtanga classes and studying ashtanga yoga with Kino Macgregor, who is a brilliant and lovely, engaging individual btw. So, I haven't taken an ashtanga class in years, having just restarted my practice of it this past fall, and getting serious with it 6 days a week again this past February, so had forgotten what to expect. The Mysore style class, for those not in the know, is you practicing the sequence, with the ujjayi breath and bandhas engaged, and a teacher moving around the room adjusting you deeper into poses, helping you with poses you can't get into at all or reminding you the sequence when you don't know or don't do them in the correct order. Ashtanga yoga is set up to open up your body/mind sequencially and in the practice you understand the magic of the sequencing, or you don't, hate it and never do it again lol. I thought I had become the latter, but come to find out, remain the former! With much glee I might add. This practice is intense, and Kino made it more intense with her deep instruction on the bandhas and using them during ones practice, and so it brings your shit up. Like, quickly! lol, but truly, its all good, because once it comes up theres more chance to release it, if you're lucky it comes up during the practice and you can release it by focusing throughout the remainder of it and, done, gone, no more shit! Of that kind anyway, you do find there is always more shit to be found... I love it, and during this week I got clarity about starting a Mysore program at Yogasource, if Chris is interested still, and how I will do it and the magic it will create, in the studio and in my life. There is almost no ashtanga here, at all, I am it, and so hope this works out. The time I was there I also became 42 years old, which lately my birthdays have bothered me, but this one was almost as if it didn't exist. I didn't practice that day, my friend who I was with, Seabrook, and I ate all day long, napped, saw a movie, and ate some more! lol But the real focus of the week was the practice and how we were going to integrate what we learned into our lives and the lives of our students. My class this morning seemed great, the students seemed to like it, and Seabrook said her class was great too, so all good! Ok, as this unfolds I'll type some more, but am tired and for now am signing off. Love and light to you all, and Namaste!