Autumn/Transformation

It seems like this time every year I start to set myself up for hibernation, as if I were a bear or a reptile of some sort. I've always been affected strongly by the moon, full or new, and the seasons. I often am quoted as saying what a delicate flower I am, and then everyone around me laughs, if they know me at all! But I am affected, not sure why so strongly and not sure that it matters, other than that I know that I am and I use the tools that I've learned over the years from my yoga practices to help in the balancing out of these states of being when they come into play.

This year is especially different for me because in years past I was living alone and dug deeper into my ashtanga practice to get me through the cold and lonely nights (yes I've always been mostly alone!) and that strong and sometimes exasperating practice always grounded me so strongly that if I skipped a day I would almost land in a depression of sorts and have to drag myself back out of the pit I'd allowed myself to fall into. So Sundays were a bitch, since Saturday was a rest day for the practice. The moon days never bothered me so much because I was always having strong bizarre effects from the moon anyway.

Now this year, after spending either 5 weekends or full weeks with Desiree Rumbaugh over the past 11 months, have converted my practice to an Anusara practice, working with the principles of alignment layed down by John Friend, opening up my heart to allow the powerful energy stored there out and make it accessible to myself and others, trying to stay "open to grace" feeling my "inner body bright" which basically means letting this love and light stored deep down in my core out to help make me a more loving and happy and all-around feeling person. And for the most part its worked, but since I'm doing a more lovey-dovey practice, be it as strong a practice as it is, it still opens me up to those emotions that I believe the ashtanga practice, with its rigor, shoved deep down inside and covered up with dirt, and now I'm digging it up and unearthing it and having to deal with those emotions, and they are tiresome, troublesome things sometimes. They are not bad, but just not having to deal with them so much over the past 8 years it is a bit of work that I was not expecting, at all!

That said, I must say I love this practice though, and have learned tools, mentally and physically, even psychically, that have helped me further myself to places I never knew I could get to, and have helped me help my students to deeper places in their lives as well.

I remember years ago reading Yogi Bare, which is a book with interviews of all sorts of yoga teachers from around the world, one of which, Patricia Walden, stated she did 108 backbends once a week to keep herself from getting depressed because she is prone to that. My colder, unfeeling self thought, well hell she's doing the wrong practice then if she has to do that because I don't have to deal with depression at all with my ashtanga, but now that I find it was burying the emotions I feel that maybe I've missed out on these feelings and the dealing with them I could have already done and I would be this big happy person who loves unconditionally already, and just be drawing peace and love and light all around me. But I know ashtangis who are that way, and still do that practice, but the more advanced series', and it makes me know that all yoga is just that, yoga, and can work for each person differently.

The way it works for me, is just the way it works for me, so I can't be judgmental about it and just let yoga be yoga. Whatever asana sequence, sitting practice, pranayama, workout of any sort that brings one to that place of equanimity and peace and equipose be that beings yoga and not judge them on it, or judge the yoga for not being the way I practice.

What do you know? Maybe, finally, after almost 9 years of practice I am getting the idea of non-duality? Hmm, sounds like it to me. And hopefully it will keep growing and going in a direction that leads me down my path, not yours, nor his, nor hers, but mine and open me up in ways that will benefit me and my students and my teachers for the rest of the life this body has. Thats what we're here for anyway right, to grow and expand from the inside out!

Namaste, Keith