The Force

So, anyone who knows me, knows I am a dork for Star Wars. I have Yoda all over my room, even a bobble-head Yoda in my car. So, they may all not know that I read the books. There have been books written since the last of the first set of movies came out, about times since then, continuing the story from that point on and as well telling older tales and tales in between the movies, virtually covering every possible time frame.

So, the latest was that Han Solo and Leia Organa's child, one of twins, Jacen Solo had become Sith to balance out the galaxy. Not because of being evil, but because he had taken 5 years journeying around the galaxy to visit races that used the Force and learned their techniques and philosophies regarding said Force and the vast majority of them presented the Force as a neutral energy, not dark or light, as seen by the Jedi. But the gray area, so the being in touch with the Force, or using it, bending it to their will was the factor that makes it light or dark, or gray as it may be.

So, thinking of this and reading the teachings of Yogi Bhajan, he teaches all about the neutral mind. Don't come from the positive mind, or the negative mind, but the neutral mind. He has meditations to balance out all areas of the mind of which there are many and he details them extensively in his book, The Mind(can't remember the subtitle, sorry), so that when one has balanced out all the areas he/she is coming from a place o neutrality, not being affected by the positive or negative aspects of a situation. Thereby having no attachments to either outcome, or either possibility, just being neutral.

Sounds a lot like Buddhism too, right? The middle path, the middle way. Taoism, the balance of yin/yang, masculine/feminine, good/evil, even dark/light right?

So how do I come into this? I was looking through old journal entries and reading about how I felt after the White Tantric, the amount of joy bursting from my proverbial seams. The way my growing practice of kundalini yoga was feeding this and making me sit and just feel happy, for no reason, in the middle of the day. Just crying because how the hell could I be any happier? Just drawing everything to me instantly because of being in such a feeling good place. Working those Abrahamic teachings of the Law of Attraction, not even on purpose, but just because I felt so damned great that they came to me as I thought of them.

Including a man, a man I screwed it up with, but whom also screwed it up with me, but that is another story. But having said that, after having screwed it up with said man I fell back into a deeply dark place. Which didn't feel so awful, because I've always been a dark person and lived there for the first part of my life, just recently having begun the trek out of the dark and into the light. BUT, I've been doing all this yoga, and feeling so awesome, why would I fall into the dark again so easily? Without a battle at all? Just there as soon as something didn't go my way.

Then a month later, finding myself wallowing in self pity and rolling around in the dark decided to take it upon myself to use the teachings I've so dilligently studied for the past 10 years, not the mention the readings I began back when I was 16 with Shirley Maclaine's "Out on a Limb," and pull myself out of that dark place.

I began doing a practice again every morning, kundalini and hatha yoga in the afternoon or evening, doing extra meditations even here and there. Spending almost whole afternoons walking in the sunshine in the park, just to feel the light on my skin, literally, hoping the literal would affect the figurative, which is began to (and for which I can credit my awesome tan which I had even before summer came into full swing!).

So, all this and I'm to a neutral place. Neutral, gray area. I am so not happy, I smile, laugh and enjoy parts of each day, but don't feel that happiness I felt when I was at my peak a few months ago. I also am so not unhappy, I'm not angry, sad, upset or even mildly irritated with anything. I am feeling almost nothing. Nothing at all. Not any emotions, one direction on the scale or the other.

Is this the neutral mind, the middle path, the balanced place I am to exist and live from? Is this where a yogi hopes to be one day? I must say, it is way better than living in that dark place where nothing feels like it can get any better no matter what one does towards the betterment of the situation. But it also does not feel as good as being in that happy, life affirming, smiling for absolutely no reason sort of place.

Maybe that existence isn't sustainable. Maybe thats the point. We have to be able to exist whether we are ecstatically happy, or whether we are feeling doom and gloomily, right? So we are to be in this place of nothingness? Of neutrality? Of balance?

Hmmm, I wonder. There is no answer. There just is, I am no matter what I think of these circumstances. I am whether I am teaching 84 people in the park or 6 in a closed in yoga studio room. I am whether I am swimming with my niece and nephew or sitting in a chair reading the latest Star Wars novella. I am, just I am. And maybe thats what I need to be content with. Just to be and create from this being and live the creation. Create, create, create. Build upon each creation and go forth evermore. I don't know if I like this idea or not, but either way I am still here, I still am, so am living it whether I like it or not, so I guess it becomes irrelevant right? Just be. Whats that bible verse? Be still and know that I am...

Thats enough for now, I've poured some out of my pitcher and need to see whats left, or maybe refill it. More another day. Sat Nam/Namaste.

so. . . . . . .

I feel like I want to write, but I have no theme. Usually I'm working through some ideas and writing helps me get them sorted out but this time, nothing. I feel there is much in there to be expressed, but I also feel its not surfacing so maybe if I type stream of consciousness style it will come out, right?

Its funny to me how balance expresses itself in my life. My Tower Grove Park Farmers Market class literally had 84 people in it, which is all donation based so its accessible to everyone. Today my new 8am class had 2 people and the mens group at 4pm had only 5 people in it! That class used to be my bread an butter and now they have just quit coming, so don't know what to do about that. But thats one expression of yin/yang, sooo many at one, so few at another.

Another area, I havent' been as hungry (never am in the heat of summer) and yet here I am with a larger waistline than I've ever had in my life! I really don't know what thats about. I do think I shall attribute it to the kundalini practice though. Many of the meditations and kriyas free up the diaphragm and navel center so they are more open and allow the energy to flow rather than be blocked in that area, so I guess its okay. I feel great, so who cares!

Hmm, but still feeling unsatisfied. The stuff with Brian has been pretty well taken care of so I've let go of that stress. The income seems to be coming in strongly, or on its way in anyway, so no stress there. I've got some trips I want to take, that may be determined when I see how the income is doing on paydays but no biggie. So why do I feel, hmmm, lost? No not lost, just like an adventure is around the corner and I'm waiting on it to happen. Yeah, thats the feeling.

So I'm ready for it. As ready as I'll ever be anyway. Give it to me! I may wish I hadn't said that, but hell no, I'll be fine with it so here it goes--

Universe, I am as ready as I'll ever be for this big life change and the amazing things you've lined up for me, so bring em on!!!

Ok, thats good enough for now. I am ready and I needed to talk myself into realizing that that is what I'm feeling right now, anticipation of the oncoming, Anticipation!!! Love it!

Summer

Well, I know its not summer as yet, officially anyway, but the tides have felt as if they've turned.

After April 3rds White Tantric yoga experience the energy was supposed to be with me for 40days and boy was it. Whilst at the same time Mercury (the ruling planet of Gemini, of which I am one) was in retrograde which means that life turns upside down basically especially for those born under that sign, less so for those not under that sign but it still happens.

I don't know how much credence I give all that stuff, or used to, but now I give it some because I had the most tumultuous mental experiences up until a little over a week ago. And then all ofa sudden boom, relaxed mind and everything is coming easier again. Strange stuff for sure, but there is something to it.

So now my yoga practice is coming to me more easily, I'm able to sit and meditate more easily, I'm able to think more clearly and quickly and interestingly enough I'm less horny! Odd things these bodies we inhabit, I wonder truly will be ever know all the little quirks about them? Probably not, because as we expand and grow in consciousness we will create newer and more fabulous bodies, probably lighter ones that are able to float or fly! Who knows.

Just a tiny observance of mine for today. Thanks, as always, for reading it.