Avengers Assemble...

I had to be at the movie theatre much earlier than most people think of even going outside their home. The movie was at 7:50am and was sold out on the day the tickets went on sale here in Mysore, Monday, and then I found this one seat at that time this morning. Not that I'm complaining...

This movie was the culmination of 21 other movies that came before it; 3 Thor movies, 3 Avengers, 3 Iron Man, 2 Ant Man, 3 Captain America, 2 Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor Strange, Captain Marvel, Spider Man, Hulk and Black Panther, 1 each. And in my opinion if you didn't see all of them you will miss something in this latest film, Endgame. There are references to almost every one of the previous films in this one humongous blockbuster of a movie.

I started reading comics in 1975 when my grandpa bought me a Spider Woman for $.35 because as he was walking around Farm Fresh getting stuff I was looking at it, so he got it for me. That hooked me.

I had always been interested in the stories and mythologies of other cultures since I had seen my first Jason and the Argonauts movie on Saturday afternoon, and then found out that there used to be full belief in all these gods and witches and creatures, then I found my moms encyclopedia set and googled and wrote and read about all these things, Greek Mythology, Norse tales, Egyptian gods, all of it, except anything to do with Hindu worship of gods. That was never included anywhere, and now that I think about that it was odd and I have no understanding why it wouldn't have been, hmmmm...

The one thing I hated about our culture was the emphasis on the mundaneness of it all, there was God, his son who died for our sins, and his mother who was a virgin at the time of conception. But otherwise there was nothing interesting in it at all, following all these strict, ridiculous rules set out thousands of years beforehand that had nothing to do with life as we were living it at that time. So, hence the comic books became my mythos, and my reality for a very long time.

I wasn't prejudiced between DC and Marvel, if the storyline included people with powers, mostly I loved the occult characters who had taught themselves magic, or the people who were born with their abilities, but I never judged the others either if they were interesting and part of an interesting storyline.

I remember my first Avengers comic was one with hundreds of people in the lineup of the super group and the government had declared it was unmanageable and was to be taken down to only 7 people. I didn't like the 7 they chose, well some I did, but most were the boring characters, but that didn't stop me from reading it. Especially when I found out Thor was one of them and I had learned all about him in my earlier studies of Norse mythology, not that the Marvel Thor is anything like the mythological Thor, although in this new movie he is more like the original than ever before.

Anyhow, I think young people need stories to inspire them, to keep them going, and the comics were just that for me. The bible stories I was forced to read never did much for me, and really for as much as folks in the US worry about the crap their kids watch or read, they are some of the most corrupt stories I've ever encountered. But I'm not here to bash on Christianity, you can always hear me do that in person if you truly want...

As I was sitting and watching the film this morning I realised it was covering every emotion, I cried of happiness, of sadness, of shock, I laughed, I burst out with clapping and everyone around me was hollering. But the biggest thing I felt and I haven't felt in some time was hope. Hope was a surprise to me, at one certain point in the film I actually noticed I was feeling this. I'm not going to spoil the film for you so I won't tell the scene, but I noticed after the movie that I was drawn back to this feeling again the most. Because I had not felt it in such a long time.

Now even though it was sparked by a fictional story does that mean my body/mind didn't recognize that strong emotion as my own? I don't think so, I believe it totally felt it was mine and mine alone, after all the mind can't tell whether you're thinking of a thing or actually doing it because it creates the same hormone release, the same psychological effects, everything, even if you're just thinking about something.

It felt good and so I'm going to go about finding hope on a daily basis, I need it. Feeling hopeless and at the mercy of the universe the past few months is not serving me, never did, and I never allowed this complacency before so why am I starting now?

What gives you hope? What turns your crank? What stories inspire you and keep you going? What is your thing?!?

I'm almost there...

So, I know I've been whining a lot about being broke, about wanting to teach and needing a place to do so. About how everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Until last night where a new low was hit. Or was it?

I am sleeping on two small pads that for some reason they call mattresses here, they are not mattresses compared to what the western mind things of them as, they are just pads, maybe an inch thick, hence why I sleep on two, and filled with stuffing and have a flannel look to them. I cover them with a sheet and cover me with another sheet. I'm not complaining about this just iterating for the western readers, this is not a bed as you all will think of it. It is however how many, many Indians sleep. I'm fine with it and sleep fairly well.

So, I'm sleeping on the floor. Lying in bed watching a video I downloaded and then all of a sudden feel water on the marble floor under my fingers, then listened and realised I heard water pouring from somewhere. So I looked up, nothing, building here are pretty water tight. It was pouring in from under my door and at the foot of my bed there stood about 3 inches of water in the whole corner. I guess that's a lower corner because it wasn't at the head of my bed or to the left of me at all.

I open the door to find that one guy who lives upstairs was squeegeeing the water as it was running down the stairs further down the stairs to the lower level and then into the drain. So I borrowed it and did the same from my room, only to find that about 5 of my books had soaked up a lot of water and some pages of mantra I'm using for a sadhana, my floor mats, my bed, sheets, etc, had all soaked up a lot of water.

Anyhow, we worked, got the water out, dried up the rest with a towel, changed out my sleeping pads, or one of them anyway, for a drier one, although the stored ones had gotten a bit wet as well, and pulled out a couple lungis to cover up with and slept. Yes, this all happened at 10pm when I'm usually asleep already, was heading there which is why I was in bed watching the video.

This morning I hung the stuff out in the sun and air to dry and moved on with my day. But I awoke to a message from a friend saying something about the astrology of what is going on, and it was in response to my desperate why can't anything go right in my life type message. He mentioned that what is going on with the planets right now is a time to dig in deep and look for the spiritual side of each thing, not to jump into your old pattern, which is exactly what I did.

Now, after 19 years of serious spiritual practice and 20 years of half assed practice of some sort before that, you'd think I wouldn't automatically fall back into my old patterns by now, but here I am, woe is me, I'm a victim, blah, blah, blah...

But today I feel better and am looking at the spiritual side of it, is there any other side? All is spirit in my viewpoint anyway, so how can it be?

And if, as they believe in Shakta circles as in Kamakhya culture, all is she, all is a manifestation of the goddess, then there is no separation. This morning after seeing my friends message and realizing my need to stay out of my old patterns I felt better, did some yoga, ate breakfast, then drove up Chamundi Hill to visit the goddess.

There was no traffic, there was no line even to wait to get inside. It was earlier than I'm usually there. It was nice. It was meant to happen and now I feel a nice energy that is more balanced than I was last night. So I need to stop being so hard on myself and falling into the old victim mode, no I know better and can be more aware and catch myself more quickly before I go there. And if I go there I can be more available for forgiveness and allowing myself to have been where I was and be okay with it, and move forward.

Forward is the motion we want, it can be slow, and even delayed, but slowly allowing the stream to take us along. An older analogy Abraham used to use was the stream. Nothing we want is upstream, so we have to take our oars out of the water trying to go upstream so hard, it never works. Take them out and allow, slowly, the movement of the water to turn your boat around an take you with it downstream.

All the work you've done on yourself, all the stuff you've put out to the universe that you want, all the energy expended to create the reality you want, are downstream, not upstream. And don't get aggressive and turn the boat around with the oars and paddle your way down, it's got to happen when your energy is lined up for it, not before. So just allow the water to flow you in the direction it's going. Nice thought huh? The work has been done already, just let yourself move towards it...

Temples...

It's Saturday morning in India, and on Saturdays I have a few temples I often go to that are specific for the deitites to be worshipped on this day, that's another story.

This morning however I felt drawn to go to the Chandramouleshwara Swamy temple, a local Shiva temple. I typically go there on Mondays since that's the particular day he's worshipped, or when I'm pulled there by a feeling. Today was one such day.

As I was standing inside waiting for them to unveil the lingam, they'd done abishekam and were dressing it up after with flowers and sandalwood and such, I all of a sudden remembered my first time inside that temple.

I had been to one temple already, the Ganesh temple right in the middle of Gokulam, and had seen this one many times on trips to Loyal World but was too nervous to go inside. Also I could never find it open, but finally I found out they open in the morning and the evening only, to close from 12 till 6. They allow the deity to sleep after giving darshan all morning long, then wake them back up to give more in the evening.

So one day I and Jørn, whom I refer to as my baby brother, made it in the morning around 9am. Can't remember for sure but I think it's my third trip here. and when they unveil the lingam all flowered and gussied up they ring bells, pound drums and chant a lot. It's quite an amazing vibration they create, so whenever I can I still try to go during this time.

Then I began to remember my first trip to the Ganesh temple, then many other temples around town. Was I drawn to go there just to stir up these memories today? Saturday is ruled by Saturn, or Shani Dev as the deity is known, and he is the deliverer of your karma. I had already been to his temple this morning but was I remembering the temples, or the people, specifically my baby brother? Is this part of my karma, something I'm supposed to be doing or picking up on involving either him or these specific temples? Things here in India are always this way, often mean multiple things and you never understand why until the time is ripe for it.

It was nice to remember Jørn, I got to spend a lot of time with him in January and February when I arrived here, but now everyone is gone mostly. Everyone Western person that is, mostly, there are a few left besides myself. So maybe that's why I'm thinking of those who are close to my heart.

But if it's the temples I'm being triggered to remember, what for? I am a temple whore I often say. Because of the energy in them, it is palpable in most places, especially those frequented by a lot of people daily. I am drawn to certain energies and so go to the ones that pull me in, otherwise I don't go to them very often. In fact yesterday I was pulled to go up Chamundi Hill to the Chamundeshwari temple up there, knowing it was a full moon and it would likely be packed, and it was. Even the line you pay 100 rupees to get into, which is often empty, was over 50 feet long outside the door of the mandir! The other lines were beyond the length that I had the stamina to stand in. So I went into the Mahabaleshwar temple behind it, a Shiva temple, which also houses a small Chamundi mandir in the back, so I still was in her presence in some ways.

The big temple is thought by some to be a Shakti Peeth, but is not on the official list, so there is a debate whether it's actually one or not. The energy in there is strong, but not at all healing and opening, and deep like the Kamakhya mandir in Assam that I was privileged to go to in late February. So I'm not sure if I feel it is one or not, but either way it's th closest thing I have to that type of energy here in Mysore, so I enjoy it.

I often go to temples alone or with very specific people who believe, or who are sensitive to the energy as well. Otherwise it's very hard to do because those people take form the experience. So now I often go alone, and prefer that. I prefer to do most things alone because at least then I have some semblance of control over my experience, although that is also not guaranteed. No one knows what the gods have in store for us haha...

Anyhow, not much more to write. I'm just thinking today, wondering. And these things popped up in my morning excursions, so I'm sharing. What is next for me? Where is next? Am I not getting out of my own way enough to allow the next experience in? Who will be involved? Who knows?!? This stall pattern has got to release soon, and this morning I felt like that is starting to become a reality, so let's see...

Sadhana...

More and more I've been seeing people posting videos or pics of them doing asanas, well this in and of itself is not new but read on, and talking about doing their sadhana. This has been bugging me lately.

I already get frustrated with people who call themselves yoga teachers but only teach asana, and in reality have no clue what yoga really means so should technically call themselves asana teachers.

Now, both are possible. You can be practicing your asanas and it be a sadhana, and someone can be teaching you asanas and it be yoga. But it doesn't seem so likely so often as they claim it.

Am I just being judgmental? Maybe I am, but I don't think so. I just have had some experiences and with the context of them realised that asana is not necessarily sadhana or yoga, even though it can be. It's mostly up to you and your intention behind why you're doing it at the moment you are engaged in them. But most often when you read about sadhana in the scriptures they are talking about japa, or other chanting of some sort, visualisation sometimes, always with deep intention and strong focus of whatever your goal is from the practice, if you have a goal.

Often in the scriptures they mention your focus being on your chosen deity, and realising that you and she/he are one and that would be the goal. To feel that deity, their energy, their ideals, even their emotions, within you deeply and allow that to almost possess you. That is only one way of it, it can be that you can stay neutral within any situation, or controlling the mind when certain things come up. There are plenty of things one can focus on during their "practice" which can include your asanas, but also and more likely be so much more.

I use a neti pot, oil pull, do my asana practice, shower (all recommended cleansing practices to prepare one for their real sadhana) and then come back and do pooja with deep intention (of what is my business, these things are actually meant to be kept secret) including chanting different mantras and lighting incense or doop to cleanse the air and invite spirit in, and visualizations, etc. All part of a prescribed practice aimed at inviting Kali Ma into ones life, body, their very existence really. It's good, and I probably told a bit too much about it, but that's often what I do, over share lol.

Anyhow, think about your sadhana if you have one. What is it? What does it mean to you? How are you "doing" it? Is it deep, do you feel things from it during and after its completed? Or is it completed ever? I was taught it should be all day long, being aware of things, etc. and bringing that to the fore in your life.

What do you think? What do you feel? Are you performing sadhana, or not?

Anxiety...

anxiety /aŋˈzʌɪəti/ noun 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. "he felt a surge of anxiety" synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation, uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, perturbation, fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves, edginess, tension, tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation, foreboding, suspense; More

This is the google version of the meaning of this word. This word that has become too much a part of my life lately.

I'm not sure why either. I've always been someone who could take a deep breath and then allow myself to relax into the moment and feel okay, even when I smoked which sped up my heartbeat. But recently when I was sick in Goa the thing that I've always been able to do left me, somehow.

Now even this morning as I was practicing, I'd slept later and was going through the sequence at a much later time than I am used to (but I have no schedule right now so any time is fine) I found myself being upset about it, and then anxious, oh no I have to hurry up and be finished so I can, so I can, so I can what? You will eat breakfast whenever you're finished, it doesn't have to happen at 8am. You will go about the things in your day, of which right now there are none, at your own pace and there is no time constraints on this.

So when and how did it grab a hold of me?!? Or should I not try to figure that out and move on to how to allow it to leave me again?

The first time I felt a release from it is when I was in Assam and then when I was back I still felt good but now a month later it might even be worse than normal. And I hate to think it all has happened around money. Money is the only problem I'm having right now but before I never worried about money too much and it always appeared when I needed it, now that doesn't seem to be the case.

I was recently reading some of my old blog posts, even just from last year, which then made me look at some of my old Facebook posts. So deep, well written, I was completely in the deep end of it all. Then I look at them now and it's like some adolescent has taken me over, who is this?!? Why on earth would this happen? I'm a deep person usually so I'm just not sure. I'm confused. I've lost a lot of self confidence, for which I usually have an overabundance of. Good lord...

I was told I need to surrender completely to the flow of life that I somehow got out of and then I'll feel lost and open but it will come back to me, this flow, when I allow it to. So that is my work right now. In my practices, in my mind, in my life.

Devotion...

What on earth is devotion, and why does it have a place in my life?

There's been a lot of talk of devotion, or bhakti, this week in conversations I've had with my friends here in Mysore. Most of whom are leaving today for their homes, but that's neither here nor there.

That's gotten me thinking a lot about devotion and what it means to me. Most seem to think it has something to do with god, and maybe it does but maybe it means more and or less to you, or to me.

I think it depends not he situation. For me, when I'm chanting I feel it the most, especially if it's a mantra invoking the divine. It's to me all about feeling with the body what is coming up. Feeling, not thinking about the things that come up, but looking at them and then back to feeling the sensations in the body. Often thinking of things that make me feel love and good, like my time at Kamakhya, or my time in temples, or times in my life where I've done deep study on the goddess and how it made me feel. Not only that, but so much more also.

If I'm chatting with you, about whatever we're talking about, then I'm often completely devoted to that conversation. That is devotion also, to me, to be fully present in the moment as we are creating it. Now, I'm not always like this, but often, more often, I am.

Also in the listening. Not just sitting there waiting for your turn to talk, but listening and hearing, feeling what that person is talking to you about, what they are saying to you, what they want you to hear. Not just what you're trying to get across.

I'm even like this with shows, if I'm watching something on Netflix I'm fully immersed in it. So, in some terms, devoted to it.

Food, I'm terribly devoted to eating and enjoying it fully. Even if I don't like it that much, I know what it's doing for me physically and am grateful for that, so I'm still devoted to it. Then I also know not to order it again next time hahaha!

In tantrik devi worship terms they might say this devotion comes easy to me because I recognize that the goddess is manifested in everything, and since I"m so devoted to the goddess I can find it easy to find that devotion towards all these things I've listed. Maybe this is so, most likely this is so and I'm okay with that because in this path I'm on seeing everything as a manifestation of Maa is the point.

There are many ways to find devotion in our lives but we have to figure out what we care about, what makes us feel things, cultivating feeling energy in ourselves, in others, around us, in the places we frequent and learning which energy serves us, which doesn't and again cultivating that awareness into a state of creation so we're being in and around the things and people that feed us and that we feed and less around those things that don't.

What makes you feel? Are you aware of what you feel and when? In your body, not just thinking in your mind?

What is going on...?

I'm not quite sure myself.

This week I'm having absolutely no interest in practicing. I am doing a little bit, and it feels good and my mind feels clear and open, my back aches because it likes to have my full practice since that's what it's used to but all in all, I'm good with not wanting to practice.

I'm sleeping well, waking up when the alarm goes off and then falling back asleep until much later than I'm used to sleeping, although probably a more "normal" time for the rest of the world. And then not wanting to do anything, other than my chanting and pooja and showering, etc. But each day I'm doing a little bit of asana, yesterday I didn't but Sunday and today I did. So I'll work on tomorrow getting up and going for it again, or I'll just embrace that this is where I am this week and see how tomorrow goes from that perspective.

I get into mental spaces of worrying about money since I have none coming in, then that gets old so I find a way to feel good again. I get into spaces of wanting to stay in and read and not be around almost anyone else, then I get out to eat and realise oh, I'm okay with people, sometimes. I've got no teaching gigs coming up at all which should worry me but I'm not letting it. I'm also always been drawn to being a sadhu and at this time in life, when I have less than ever, including work obligations, might be the best time to chuck all my stuff and just go become one. I also keep being drawn to going back to Kamakhya and being there for a good long time and learn the traditions surrounding the path there, alternating between living there and in the Himalayas near Uttarkashi.

So, why not go and do that? I think I'm still attached to being in the world. I do enjoy it, as much as I love being on my own, I love teaching and sharing this practice with people and making a living and having a mysterious life to others who wonder what else I do besides these asanas. And they do wonder, I get asked a lot and I share a bit but a lot of what I do in my sadhana is secret and not to be shared.

So, what to do? Why not go for it and leave this public life? Why not find some teaching and still have a private life of deep sadhana but while living in the world? Why do anything? Maybe I just sit back and see what the universe brings to me? Hmmmm... Maybe, let's see.

I do like not having a set schedule, but I also do enjoy the fulfilment of having some work to do. Is it possible to have both of these things? Is it possible to not overthink everything and just go with the flow? Yes, I know it is, often I can get in the space to do just that, but right now I'm thinking a lot. So, how to get back to just flowing and not thinking about why the flow isn't happening? Just do it, right? Ok, here I go, just do it...