Wow, its been a while since I last wrote. I was gone three weeks in June for the 3HO Summer Solstice celebration, and when I got back I went straight into moving and just got my internet back on, just now! So yay!!!
The summer solstice event was amazing, my heart opened in ways I never thought it would, I fell in love, sort of with a fellow kundalini yogi, he however did not lol. Not to matter, I still enjoyed the feeling of the emotions whether they were reciprocated or not. And when I got home the move flowed smoothly and I made lots of money as soon as I got here, mostly because I was so open and allowing of the flow of things. I soon fell back into the murky water though, but am working on allowing the flow to happen again and its happening, slowly lol.
So, now I have these ideas of moving and a friend who is really trying to talk me into moving to LA. I'm in love with the idea of being in California, just not necessarily LA. But they have a huge yoga scene, especially a huge kundalini yoga scene, which is ideal and makes me happy to think about. So that could be a great option. The only problem is I won't have income once I'm there for a bit, but I'll have to talk to her about that.
I've also got reservations because things are going so well for me here now, finally. There is a restaurant, Pura Vegan, that is going to have a yoga studio as part of it. I'm getting to know the person running it and she is very supportive and becoming a great friend, so I will be teaching there on Fridays for Happy Hour yoga, kundalini! Just another of the many great opportunities opening up to me here.
So who knows what to do, I need to just meditate, get out of my own way and allow it to unfold the way it will, and so I will. Just right now I've got a lot coming up and so I'm thinking waaayyyy too much lol.
Off to meditate, then lunch. Have an amazing day! Its gorgeous here finally!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
No title necessary
So, yesterday I turned 41. Not a big deal as far as birthdays goes, it was a low key day mostly. I chilled at Starbucks with a frappacino for a bit, I did some shopping at Target and Whole Foods, I went to a pool party and then to a dinner I had organized for my birthday at Ranoush.
The pool party was interesting, it was gay men, too much smoking going on and lots of drinking. Neither of which interest me anymore. Had a great conversation with a local news weatherman and his friend, whom I ended up finding myself attracted to, the friend, not the weatherman, although the weatherman is a hottie too. I didn't stay long because of the dinner party I had already planned, so I had dinner at my favorite restaurant with a few of my favorite people, very nice.
Sunday my sister, her husband and kids and our mom came over to let my nephew play at the drum circle and we went to dinner for my birthday then too. It was nice as well. Lots of nice going on. I keep expecting big booms of things happening because I feel them heading my way, but they aren't ready to appear just yet.
I am moving from the house I've lived in with a couple for over 3 years now, into a little apartment of my own that will be cheaper than living with them. Thats bothered me today, after I wrote them the email I found myself feeling sad about it, but that will pass. Its also a big change for me.
Just before the move I'll be in New Mexico for 2.5 weeks at summer solstice with many kundalooneys and Sikhs, managing the luggage team for the event. That alone is a big boom to me. I've never once in my life taken responsibility, on purpose, and here I am going to manage something?!? Something is for sure wrong with me, I can't have grown up all of a sudden in the past year. Going thru the kundalini certification course, taking amrit and this last white tantric, all, must've had a more profound effect on me than I'd had any clue about.
The thing that is most surprising to me is that I'm not afraid of any of these changes that are coming, they almost don't even register on my radar! What is that about? Is this neutral mind? I wonder, hmmmm...
I should be in bed, I'm sleepy, I'm not in the mood to read or be on this computer, at all, but I just felt like writing on here, not in my journal. I really dislike writing in a journal anyway, but every so often I feel compelled to, for some reason.
So, I think I'm off here for now, I'm hoping you all are having amazing adventures, as I believe life is supposed to be just that, a neverending series of adventures, embraced and held in no attached way. Just experienced. We're here in a body, whether for the millionth time, or the first, to have experiences. To have experiences that we can't have as spirit, with more intensity than is in spirit, because the contrast is so intense. I'm sure everything in spirit form is intense so the contrast is lessened, but no, not here! lol
Have a lovely sleep tonight those who read this, if there even is still anyone who reads it. It doesn't matter if there is or not to me, its just that I think maybe its more cathartic if someone else is still? Who knows!
Sat nam!!!
The pool party was interesting, it was gay men, too much smoking going on and lots of drinking. Neither of which interest me anymore. Had a great conversation with a local news weatherman and his friend, whom I ended up finding myself attracted to, the friend, not the weatherman, although the weatherman is a hottie too. I didn't stay long because of the dinner party I had already planned, so I had dinner at my favorite restaurant with a few of my favorite people, very nice.
Sunday my sister, her husband and kids and our mom came over to let my nephew play at the drum circle and we went to dinner for my birthday then too. It was nice as well. Lots of nice going on. I keep expecting big booms of things happening because I feel them heading my way, but they aren't ready to appear just yet.
I am moving from the house I've lived in with a couple for over 3 years now, into a little apartment of my own that will be cheaper than living with them. Thats bothered me today, after I wrote them the email I found myself feeling sad about it, but that will pass. Its also a big change for me.
Just before the move I'll be in New Mexico for 2.5 weeks at summer solstice with many kundalooneys and Sikhs, managing the luggage team for the event. That alone is a big boom to me. I've never once in my life taken responsibility, on purpose, and here I am going to manage something?!? Something is for sure wrong with me, I can't have grown up all of a sudden in the past year. Going thru the kundalini certification course, taking amrit and this last white tantric, all, must've had a more profound effect on me than I'd had any clue about.
The thing that is most surprising to me is that I'm not afraid of any of these changes that are coming, they almost don't even register on my radar! What is that about? Is this neutral mind? I wonder, hmmmm...
I should be in bed, I'm sleepy, I'm not in the mood to read or be on this computer, at all, but I just felt like writing on here, not in my journal. I really dislike writing in a journal anyway, but every so often I feel compelled to, for some reason.
So, I think I'm off here for now, I'm hoping you all are having amazing adventures, as I believe life is supposed to be just that, a neverending series of adventures, embraced and held in no attached way. Just experienced. We're here in a body, whether for the millionth time, or the first, to have experiences. To have experiences that we can't have as spirit, with more intensity than is in spirit, because the contrast is so intense. I'm sure everything in spirit form is intense so the contrast is lessened, but no, not here! lol
Have a lovely sleep tonight those who read this, if there even is still anyone who reads it. It doesn't matter if there is or not to me, its just that I think maybe its more cathartic if someone else is still? Who knows!
Sat nam!!!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
White tantric yoga
I've just come back from Chicago, having done my 10th white tantric yoga day. This one was different because it was part of the completion of my kundalini yoga teacher training, and many of my fellow trainees, whom I've grown very close to, were there as well.
Ramgeet Kaur and her husband Adam is who I rode up there and home with, and we went early and had the whole day Friday to tool around town. What a lovely day! We even got full sunshine, which was not predicted. And she had never been there before, so it was a treat to see her excitement at so many of the things of the "big city" lol. She and her husband share a unique perspective of life and the world that I appreciated so much getting an insight into. Two of the most lovely people.
The tantric itself was the most subtle one I've been to, and the most powerful. I feel it so strongly that I almost can't explain it to others, but also I think the circumstances of the people who were there with me added to it. Also, doing all the work I've done during the training and since and having taken amrit at summer solstice and this being my first tantric since then, probably added to it as well.
I met some people I've only met online on Facebook, in person finally, I saw many old friends in the Dharma, even made some new friends that I will for sure keep in touch with.
A large part of the magic of the weekend is the fact that I stayed with Dukh Niwaran and her partner, two of the loveliest of people and my friend Dharamjodh stayed there as well and we got to connect before he moves to Holland to be with his husband again. It was a great time of conversation and connection and the four of us doing sadhana together, that I just can't put into words. It was magic and I love Chicago! Dukh Niwaran posed the need for me to move there, which was something I really wanted in my early twenties, for completely different reasons (great gay scene and partying prospects! lol). Maybe its now in the running, hmmmmm....
There is so much change going on in me and in my life that I don't want to say I'm going here, I just want the universe to show me, guide me where to move and feel it in my heart, then go there. Its exciting this change, this shift. I'm loving it and find the prospect a grand adventure!
Lets see where this takes me, this new perspective . . .
Ramgeet Kaur and her husband Adam is who I rode up there and home with, and we went early and had the whole day Friday to tool around town. What a lovely day! We even got full sunshine, which was not predicted. And she had never been there before, so it was a treat to see her excitement at so many of the things of the "big city" lol. She and her husband share a unique perspective of life and the world that I appreciated so much getting an insight into. Two of the most lovely people.
The tantric itself was the most subtle one I've been to, and the most powerful. I feel it so strongly that I almost can't explain it to others, but also I think the circumstances of the people who were there with me added to it. Also, doing all the work I've done during the training and since and having taken amrit at summer solstice and this being my first tantric since then, probably added to it as well.
I met some people I've only met online on Facebook, in person finally, I saw many old friends in the Dharma, even made some new friends that I will for sure keep in touch with.
A large part of the magic of the weekend is the fact that I stayed with Dukh Niwaran and her partner, two of the loveliest of people and my friend Dharamjodh stayed there as well and we got to connect before he moves to Holland to be with his husband again. It was a great time of conversation and connection and the four of us doing sadhana together, that I just can't put into words. It was magic and I love Chicago! Dukh Niwaran posed the need for me to move there, which was something I really wanted in my early twenties, for completely different reasons (great gay scene and partying prospects! lol). Maybe its now in the running, hmmmmm....
There is so much change going on in me and in my life that I don't want to say I'm going here, I just want the universe to show me, guide me where to move and feel it in my heart, then go there. Its exciting this change, this shift. I'm loving it and find the prospect a grand adventure!
Lets see where this takes me, this new perspective . . .
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Spring 2011
So, I haven't written in a while. I've been violently ill this week, for many different reasons, not that I really want to get into it, but I may later on down the line.
Tomorrow I go to Kansas City for the last weekend of my kundalinig yoga teacher training. The level 1 part of the program anyway. It will be bittersweet since we've all become so close to one another, or most of us anyway but I know we'll all stay in touch and keep working with one another on many projects and such, a couple are even going to summer solstice and on the same missal as I am. And we all, or most of us anyway, are going to Chicago on April 30th for the white tantric yoga up there, which will complete my certification.
I have decided to start a two weekend level 2 course, Authentic Relationships. The following weekend lol, I know, but its an opportunity and the second weekend isn't until the middle of May, so it will be good I think and relationships is something I can use input on, relating at anothers level, not just mine, specifically. All good, I'm excited.
I just yesterday was able to eat food again, or more food than just a couple spoonfuls of rice, rough week, and today when dinnertime came around I went to Local Harvest, which for some reason hasn't even crossed my mind since last fall! A great menu tonight and on the way home I drove through Tower Grove Park, which neighbors it, to see everything in bloom. Its lovely and as I enter the park and see it all, it stirs up that energy that one feels around their sexual organs when they're horny, I was like why, what, IDK?!?
But it dawned on me completely, finally, the second chakra energy, the energy of our sex organs, the energy of creativity, the ... aha! Duh, dumbass. You've been studying this shit for years and are just now putting it together?!? Good lord. Well, I know, but yes I am. I always thought that driving in parks made me horny because I love nature, it turns me on, but no it just stimulates the same energy of creativity in my that being arouses sexually does. Now I know, years of gay men cruising and having sex in parks has not been handed down to me orientationally lol, its just that maybe they experienced the same thing, years ago were in hiding, and being aroused took care of it in the park where others were. But not a necessary thing.
Possibly I feel it so intensely because I have creativity thats not being expressed, so the energy isn't flowing as fully as it could. Of course, since I do sat kriya daily now it does flow much more than it did. I also am getting larger kundalini yoga classes than before and am getting the opportunity to be more creative with them, and am, so its being expressed lately.
Odd that today the realization comes to me. Not odd I guess. Its the year that the Age of Aquarius comes fully into fruition, finally. The year of change and shifting of everything as we know it, notice the movements in the earths tectonic plates, the ocean, the ice melting, the winter we had this year which I haven't seen one like since I was a teenager, things like that. Things also like peoples attitudes, the amount of love you feel from some, and the amount of dislike from others. The amount of interest in things esoteric, or mystical is bigger than ever before. Many things are shifting and changing, lots of souls leaving their bodies, bodies which most likely aren't prepared for the energy of this time and need to leave.
Part of the reason I am so strong on kundalini yoga, it helps strengthen the nervous system, the radiance, the aura, everything angelic about a human in this time where we need to balance our humanity and higher self more than ever, because the gates are open, we are receiving and now you see those who are not able to receive much more clearly, the aggitation, the caffeine intake, the frustration, the phone usage while driving and then irritation at others silly driving, stuff like that, you know what I mean?
Oh well, its just nice to get a correllation between things the way I did this evening. It happens, but right now, in this time of required attention and the work I've done over the past 6 months within myself through this training and the connections I've made around it and through it and because of it are all coming to fruition in my consciousness, I'm seeing the results. I love that!
Sat nam
Tomorrow I go to Kansas City for the last weekend of my kundalinig yoga teacher training. The level 1 part of the program anyway. It will be bittersweet since we've all become so close to one another, or most of us anyway but I know we'll all stay in touch and keep working with one another on many projects and such, a couple are even going to summer solstice and on the same missal as I am. And we all, or most of us anyway, are going to Chicago on April 30th for the white tantric yoga up there, which will complete my certification.
I have decided to start a two weekend level 2 course, Authentic Relationships. The following weekend lol, I know, but its an opportunity and the second weekend isn't until the middle of May, so it will be good I think and relationships is something I can use input on, relating at anothers level, not just mine, specifically. All good, I'm excited.
I just yesterday was able to eat food again, or more food than just a couple spoonfuls of rice, rough week, and today when dinnertime came around I went to Local Harvest, which for some reason hasn't even crossed my mind since last fall! A great menu tonight and on the way home I drove through Tower Grove Park, which neighbors it, to see everything in bloom. Its lovely and as I enter the park and see it all, it stirs up that energy that one feels around their sexual organs when they're horny, I was like why, what, IDK?!?
But it dawned on me completely, finally, the second chakra energy, the energy of our sex organs, the energy of creativity, the ... aha! Duh, dumbass. You've been studying this shit for years and are just now putting it together?!? Good lord. Well, I know, but yes I am. I always thought that driving in parks made me horny because I love nature, it turns me on, but no it just stimulates the same energy of creativity in my that being arouses sexually does. Now I know, years of gay men cruising and having sex in parks has not been handed down to me orientationally lol, its just that maybe they experienced the same thing, years ago were in hiding, and being aroused took care of it in the park where others were. But not a necessary thing.
Possibly I feel it so intensely because I have creativity thats not being expressed, so the energy isn't flowing as fully as it could. Of course, since I do sat kriya daily now it does flow much more than it did. I also am getting larger kundalini yoga classes than before and am getting the opportunity to be more creative with them, and am, so its being expressed lately.
Odd that today the realization comes to me. Not odd I guess. Its the year that the Age of Aquarius comes fully into fruition, finally. The year of change and shifting of everything as we know it, notice the movements in the earths tectonic plates, the ocean, the ice melting, the winter we had this year which I haven't seen one like since I was a teenager, things like that. Things also like peoples attitudes, the amount of love you feel from some, and the amount of dislike from others. The amount of interest in things esoteric, or mystical is bigger than ever before. Many things are shifting and changing, lots of souls leaving their bodies, bodies which most likely aren't prepared for the energy of this time and need to leave.
Part of the reason I am so strong on kundalini yoga, it helps strengthen the nervous system, the radiance, the aura, everything angelic about a human in this time where we need to balance our humanity and higher self more than ever, because the gates are open, we are receiving and now you see those who are not able to receive much more clearly, the aggitation, the caffeine intake, the frustration, the phone usage while driving and then irritation at others silly driving, stuff like that, you know what I mean?
Oh well, its just nice to get a correllation between things the way I did this evening. It happens, but right now, in this time of required attention and the work I've done over the past 6 months within myself through this training and the connections I've made around it and through it and because of it are all coming to fruition in my consciousness, I'm seeing the results. I love that!
Sat nam
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Well, here I sit, finally a little time to do so, very nice. I'm teaching more kundalini yoga these days, and loving it. Even finding it super fulfilling even when I have only a couple students, because afterwards you see it in their eyes and thats why you do it!
I always worried about numbers, numbers, numbers and thats not something that concerns me, and a very wise friend told me yesterday. Do what you love and that part will take care of itself. So, how does a well established hatha yoga teacher turn around and change into a kundalini teacher?!? I guess one class at a time. Which I'm doing, slowly. There are some studios its just not taking off at and thats ok, I will focus on the ones that it does work at.
I also am almost done with my training and will be certified by the end of April. Very nice, I told myself at that time I would through it out to the universe to tell me where I am to move. Yes, I need to move, I think its time. I have an option to move to Kansas City and help them run the Sikh Dharma/Kundalini Yoga ashram, but not sure if thats the right move, but it could be a first step! I also just fielded an offer to move to Japan to teach Kundalini Yoga and Hatha Yoga and do thai massage at a retreat center, hmmm. That sounds awesome but not sure if I want to go that far to start off with! lol
I assume the skies the limit. I can go anywhere I want really, can't I? Who can stop me? I know people who travel all over the world penniless, why can I not do that? Well, I intend to do it, just not penniless! lol
I also intend a great many other things, but won't be sharing them all here and now. Summer solstice being one of them. I missed winter solstice and am by no means missing summer, even though the high desert is not my favorite place to be, but oh well. I also need to go because there's an Ecuadorian Sikh who will be coming so we can meet. He has a crush on me! lol, which is cool, we will see how that goes as well.
Ok, change my whole life, including the style of yoga I teach, possibly move, maybe get into a relationship . . . etc. What an awesome fucking year!!! lol
Since last fall this teacher training has change me internally and brought up so much stuff for me to look at about myself, that it only makes sense that everything external should follow. So I'm going to embrace it, let it flow, let everything be and grow with it!
Love to all, light to all, peace to all. Sat Nam
I always worried about numbers, numbers, numbers and thats not something that concerns me, and a very wise friend told me yesterday. Do what you love and that part will take care of itself. So, how does a well established hatha yoga teacher turn around and change into a kundalini teacher?!? I guess one class at a time. Which I'm doing, slowly. There are some studios its just not taking off at and thats ok, I will focus on the ones that it does work at.
I also am almost done with my training and will be certified by the end of April. Very nice, I told myself at that time I would through it out to the universe to tell me where I am to move. Yes, I need to move, I think its time. I have an option to move to Kansas City and help them run the Sikh Dharma/Kundalini Yoga ashram, but not sure if thats the right move, but it could be a first step! I also just fielded an offer to move to Japan to teach Kundalini Yoga and Hatha Yoga and do thai massage at a retreat center, hmmm. That sounds awesome but not sure if I want to go that far to start off with! lol
I assume the skies the limit. I can go anywhere I want really, can't I? Who can stop me? I know people who travel all over the world penniless, why can I not do that? Well, I intend to do it, just not penniless! lol
I also intend a great many other things, but won't be sharing them all here and now. Summer solstice being one of them. I missed winter solstice and am by no means missing summer, even though the high desert is not my favorite place to be, but oh well. I also need to go because there's an Ecuadorian Sikh who will be coming so we can meet. He has a crush on me! lol, which is cool, we will see how that goes as well.
Ok, change my whole life, including the style of yoga I teach, possibly move, maybe get into a relationship . . . etc. What an awesome fucking year!!! lol
Since last fall this teacher training has change me internally and brought up so much stuff for me to look at about myself, that it only makes sense that everything external should follow. So I'm going to embrace it, let it flow, let everything be and grow with it!
Love to all, light to all, peace to all. Sat Nam
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Lots . . .
Well, thought I had lots to say. Sat down all inspired, now . . .
I got nothin!
Have a great week
I got nothin!
Have a great week
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Teacher Training
This past weekend was another training weekend, only 4 more left and a white tantric to attend in Chicago and I'll be a certified kundalini yoga teacher!
I've broken through a block of some sort. I was in dire straits financially, still am not completely in the red yet but I'm feeling better. I wasn't even going to be able to make it to the weekend in Kansas City due to being so low in funds. My friend whom is taking the course as well bought me a train ticket and so I rode with her there, on the train. I love having my car, so it was a lesson in detachment, and I felt good about it all weekend and appreciative of her for helping me out when I needed it.
We learned the gong this weekend. I think I was overstimulated for sure on Saturday from everyone playing it all at once and then Sunday I woke up and felt clear and passionate about this work again, wanting a gong as well, of course, but about the yoga. After having had a month off of training (we initially were going every other weekend and then had a wee break during the holidays and heaviest winter month) I didn't want to go back and was irritated that I had to. I was tired of doing all this inner work and blah, blah, blah...etc. So now I see more clearly and feel more acutely the energetics of what we're working at after this weekend and I'm even enjoying the homework, which consists of banging my elbows into my own ribcage, to stimulate the 7th rib which encases a meridian that contacts the creativity of life, but wow! I'm loving it and am able to do it the full time of 22 minutes. Craziness.
I feel better teaching this stuff even and having that attitude, the universe is providing me more students in each class to enjoy it with me and receive the benefits of it. I think more clearly even, especially after the rib banging, but most of all with the 40 day meditation I'm doing (look up Sat Kartar, or kriya for opening the heart with that mantra) I actually feel my heart opening. Literally and figuratively, energetically, all of it. I'm feeling more compassion and love for everyone around me while at the same time able to be more succinct in my delivery of the teachings, and in my regular conversations!
Well, maybe I've never been one known to have "regular" conversations, but you get what I mean I hope.
Life is awesome. I'm holding myself in the vibration of abundance as well, and feel it coming to me. I am abundant, in friendships, in love in my life, in ability to connect with folks easily, I seem to be able to make it through every time I've found myself low in finances and get what I need to survive. I feel the blessings of my life now, in a more acute way.
I feel is the biggest thing, I feel. I feel everything, the breath of every being in close proximity, the openness of their hearts, the stimulation of their skin as the fabric runs across it, mine as well, just everything!
Okay, I want to just keep gushing but I'm off to teach another kundalini class in a bit. I have 4 now and they are all awesome, each in its own way.
Have an awesome week, and take note of the blessings in your life. If just for a moment each day, feel the appreciation for each thing, let the sensation well up inside you until you're ready to burst and then go out and live your day. It will bring you the greatest things!!!
Sat Nam . . .
I've broken through a block of some sort. I was in dire straits financially, still am not completely in the red yet but I'm feeling better. I wasn't even going to be able to make it to the weekend in Kansas City due to being so low in funds. My friend whom is taking the course as well bought me a train ticket and so I rode with her there, on the train. I love having my car, so it was a lesson in detachment, and I felt good about it all weekend and appreciative of her for helping me out when I needed it.
We learned the gong this weekend. I think I was overstimulated for sure on Saturday from everyone playing it all at once and then Sunday I woke up and felt clear and passionate about this work again, wanting a gong as well, of course, but about the yoga. After having had a month off of training (we initially were going every other weekend and then had a wee break during the holidays and heaviest winter month) I didn't want to go back and was irritated that I had to. I was tired of doing all this inner work and blah, blah, blah...etc. So now I see more clearly and feel more acutely the energetics of what we're working at after this weekend and I'm even enjoying the homework, which consists of banging my elbows into my own ribcage, to stimulate the 7th rib which encases a meridian that contacts the creativity of life, but wow! I'm loving it and am able to do it the full time of 22 minutes. Craziness.
I feel better teaching this stuff even and having that attitude, the universe is providing me more students in each class to enjoy it with me and receive the benefits of it. I think more clearly even, especially after the rib banging, but most of all with the 40 day meditation I'm doing (look up Sat Kartar, or kriya for opening the heart with that mantra) I actually feel my heart opening. Literally and figuratively, energetically, all of it. I'm feeling more compassion and love for everyone around me while at the same time able to be more succinct in my delivery of the teachings, and in my regular conversations!
Well, maybe I've never been one known to have "regular" conversations, but you get what I mean I hope.
Life is awesome. I'm holding myself in the vibration of abundance as well, and feel it coming to me. I am abundant, in friendships, in love in my life, in ability to connect with folks easily, I seem to be able to make it through every time I've found myself low in finances and get what I need to survive. I feel the blessings of my life now, in a more acute way.
I feel is the biggest thing, I feel. I feel everything, the breath of every being in close proximity, the openness of their hearts, the stimulation of their skin as the fabric runs across it, mine as well, just everything!
Okay, I want to just keep gushing but I'm off to teach another kundalini class in a bit. I have 4 now and they are all awesome, each in its own way.
Have an awesome week, and take note of the blessings in your life. If just for a moment each day, feel the appreciation for each thing, let the sensation well up inside you until you're ready to burst and then go out and live your day. It will bring you the greatest things!!!
Sat Nam . . .
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