I've been thinking a lot about flow lately. I teach mainly vinyasa, which is to flow through life with your breath, or rather in my case, flow through a class with your breath! I should say I have recently come back to it, from learning Anusara for a couple years, now I take the alignment principles and put them into a flow, from one pose to another.
I've studied the past year and a half or so, a lot of the teachings of Abraham which are channelled thru Esther Hicks. They talk a lot about flow as well, flowing with the stream. The stream of life. There is a lot of talk about turning around and paddling upstream, which most of us are guilty of, thinking that is what you're supposed to do, rather than taking in your paddles and letting the stream flow with you. Because the law of attraction draws to you everything you think about and if you're open to it, meaning to me not attached to the outcome, it will come to you. When you're blocking it by attaching yourself to it you are basically cutting it off from coming into your experience of life
So, I've come to the conclusion they correlate in my life. I am drawn to teaching and practicing a flow lately, whereas I have been in a holding pattern for about a year. Waiting. For what I know not, but for something definitely! So now I'm being drawn back to a flow or vinyasa practice due to the fact that I am ready to let go and let my boat turn around and flow with the stream again, something I used to be good at and for some reason have gotten away from. So as I remember how the flow feels in my hatha practice it can hopefully help me remember how the flow feels in life. Not attaching to things as they come along, but letting them either flow on past my boat, or swirl in and eddy around my boat for a bit before they find their way back into the middle of the stream and move on to the next thing, and I move along to my next thing having fond memories of that thing, person, vacation or even awesome meal, whatever it may have manifested as at that time.
I think when you grab a hold of things, be they people, places, things or hell even ideas and hold on so tight they are bound to create a blockage of energy. Hold on tight enough long enough and that blockage will manifest physically as a blockage in the body, artery, heart, cancer, whichever is closest in vibration to the thing you're attaching yourself to. So, our nature is to grab a hold of things and hold on tightly, or it seems so anyway. Maybe thats just a learned behavior from a parent, past life or culture one is raised in. Maybe our true nature is to flow and let things come and go, let people come and go, places, ideas. Everything evolves. Let the evolution happen.
I know the Baptist tradition I was raised in frowns on evolution. Either it was divinely inspired or it was evolved and evolution couldn't have happen because god created everything exactly as it is. Well, no, not really. Everything has evolved into the way it is right this second, and will begin evolving again in the next second into whatever it will become in the future only to keep evolving beyond that. Why does the dualist perspective have to take precidence? Why can't evolution be divinely inspired? I believe it is. I believe Abrahams teachings are correct, there is a stream and it is ever flowing or evolving. Becoming new in each second, if you chose to grab onto something, whatever it may be, and hold on tight, then you're just turning upstream and paddling the opposite way of the currents flow, maybe this time you're not holding on so tight so you just staying still in the stream so you are getting little headaches or even migraines, or maybe you're holding on for dear life and actually moving upstream you're paddling so hard and you've got cancer, or had it and keep bringing it back, or some other chronic pain or issue in your body.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience, not human beings having a spiritual experience comes to mind. So when you are blocking yourself at the level of soul, with an idea or thing you're holding onto mentally it may even manifest more quickly as an issue in the body than say something or someone you're holding onto physically, but that too will ultimately manifest as something. Or so I believe.
You don't have to agree, at all, you create your own reality, I do not. But think about being open to the idea of letting things move rather than stay stagnant. Look at water, as soon as it becomes stagnant it stinks, grows moss and many other parasitic things in it, becomes yucky and no one wants to go near it. If our bodies are 75% water or whatever percentage they're telling us it is today, then really think about that. Yuck, now I've got icky visuals! lol
Stay open to it, whatever it may be. Open your heart and let it flow thru and enjoy each moment while it lasts, and embrace and enjoy each new moment as it comes into your experience. Sat Nam, Keith
Monday, July 13, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The Force
So, anyone who knows me, knows I am a dork for Star Wars. I have Yoda all over my room, even a bobble-head Yoda in my car. So, they may all not know that I read the books. There have been books written since the last of the first set of movies came out, about times since then, continuing the story from that point on and as well telling older tales and tales in between the movies, virtually covering every possible time frame.
So, the latest was that Han Solo and Leia Organa's child, one of twins, Jacen Solo had become Sith to balance out the galaxy. Not because of being evil, but because he had taken 5 years journeying around the galaxy to visit races that used the Force and learned their techniques and philosophies regarding said Force and the vast majority of them presented the Force as a neutral energy, not dark or light, as seen by the Jedi. But the gray area, so the being in touch with the Force, or using it, bending it to their will was the factor that makes it light or dark, or gray as it may be.
So, thinking of this and reading the teachings of Yogi Bhajan, he teaches all about the neutral mind. Don't come from the positive mind, or the negative mind, but the neutral mind. He has meditations to balance out all areas of the mind of which there are many and he details them extensively in his book, The Mind(can't remember the subtitle, sorry), so that when one has balanced out all the areas he/she is coming from a place o neutrality, not being affected by the positive or negative aspects of a situation. Thereby having no attachments to either outcome, or either possibility, just being neutral.
Sounds a lot like Buddhism too, right? The middle path, the middle way. Taoism, the balance of yin/yang, masculine/feminine, good/evil, even dark/light right?
So how do I come into this? I was looking through old journal entries and reading about how I felt after the White Tantric, the amount of joy bursting from my proverbial seams. The way my growing practice of kundalini yoga was feeding this and making me sit and just feel happy, for no reason, in the middle of the day. Just crying because how the hell could I be any happier? Just drawing everything to me instantly because of being in such a feeling good place. Working those Abrahamic teachings of the Law of Attraction, not even on purpose, but just because I felt so damned great that they came to me as I thought of them.
Including a man, a man I screwed it up with, but whom also screwed it up with me, but that is another story. But having said that, after having screwed it up with said man I fell back into a deeply dark place. Which didn't feel so awful, because I've always been a dark person and lived there for the first part of my life, just recently having begun the trek out of the dark and into the light. BUT, I've been doing all this yoga, and feeling so awesome, why would I fall into the dark again so easily? Without a battle at all? Just there as soon as something didn't go my way.
Then a month later, finding myself wallowing in self pity and rolling around in the dark decided to take it upon myself to use the teachings I've so dilligently studied for the past 10 years, not the mention the readings I began back when I was 16 with Shirley Maclaine's "Out on a Limb," and pull myself out of that dark place.
I began doing a practice again every morning, kundalini and hatha yoga in the afternoon or evening, doing extra meditations even here and there. Spending almost whole afternoons walking in the sunshine in the park, just to feel the light on my skin, literally, hoping the literal would affect the figurative, which is began to (and for which I can credit my awesome tan which I had even before summer came into full swing!).
So, all this and I'm to a neutral place. Neutral, gray area. I am so not happy, I smile, laugh and enjoy parts of each day, but don't feel that happiness I felt when I was at my peak a few months ago. I also am so not unhappy, I'm not angry, sad, upset or even mildly irritated with anything. I am feeling almost nothing. Nothing at all. Not any emotions, one direction on the scale or the other.
Is this the neutral mind, the middle path, the balanced place I am to exist and live from? Is this where a yogi hopes to be one day? I must say, it is way better than living in that dark place where nothing feels like it can get any better no matter what one does towards the betterment of the situation. But it also does not feel as good as being in that happy, life affirming, smiling for absolutely no reason sort of place.
Maybe that existence isn't sustainable. Maybe thats the point. We have to be able to exist whether we are ecstatically happy, or whether we are feeling doom and gloomily, right? So we are to be in this place of nothingness? Of neutrality? Of balance?
Hmmm, I wonder. There is no answer. There just is, I am no matter what I think of these circumstances. I am whether I am teaching 84 people in the park or 6 in a closed in yoga studio room. I am whether I am swimming with my niece and nephew or sitting in a chair reading the latest Star Wars novella. I am, just I am. And maybe thats what I need to be content with. Just to be and create from this being and live the creation. Create, create, create. Build upon each creation and go forth evermore. I don't know if I like this idea or not, but either way I am still here, I still am, so am living it whether I like it or not, so I guess it becomes irrelevant right? Just be. Whats that bible verse? Be still and know that I am...
Thats enough for now, I've poured some out of my pitcher and need to see whats left, or maybe refill it. More another day. Sat Nam/Namaste.
So, the latest was that Han Solo and Leia Organa's child, one of twins, Jacen Solo had become Sith to balance out the galaxy. Not because of being evil, but because he had taken 5 years journeying around the galaxy to visit races that used the Force and learned their techniques and philosophies regarding said Force and the vast majority of them presented the Force as a neutral energy, not dark or light, as seen by the Jedi. But the gray area, so the being in touch with the Force, or using it, bending it to their will was the factor that makes it light or dark, or gray as it may be.
So, thinking of this and reading the teachings of Yogi Bhajan, he teaches all about the neutral mind. Don't come from the positive mind, or the negative mind, but the neutral mind. He has meditations to balance out all areas of the mind of which there are many and he details them extensively in his book, The Mind(can't remember the subtitle, sorry), so that when one has balanced out all the areas he/she is coming from a place o neutrality, not being affected by the positive or negative aspects of a situation. Thereby having no attachments to either outcome, or either possibility, just being neutral.
Sounds a lot like Buddhism too, right? The middle path, the middle way. Taoism, the balance of yin/yang, masculine/feminine, good/evil, even dark/light right?
So how do I come into this? I was looking through old journal entries and reading about how I felt after the White Tantric, the amount of joy bursting from my proverbial seams. The way my growing practice of kundalini yoga was feeding this and making me sit and just feel happy, for no reason, in the middle of the day. Just crying because how the hell could I be any happier? Just drawing everything to me instantly because of being in such a feeling good place. Working those Abrahamic teachings of the Law of Attraction, not even on purpose, but just because I felt so damned great that they came to me as I thought of them.
Including a man, a man I screwed it up with, but whom also screwed it up with me, but that is another story. But having said that, after having screwed it up with said man I fell back into a deeply dark place. Which didn't feel so awful, because I've always been a dark person and lived there for the first part of my life, just recently having begun the trek out of the dark and into the light. BUT, I've been doing all this yoga, and feeling so awesome, why would I fall into the dark again so easily? Without a battle at all? Just there as soon as something didn't go my way.
Then a month later, finding myself wallowing in self pity and rolling around in the dark decided to take it upon myself to use the teachings I've so dilligently studied for the past 10 years, not the mention the readings I began back when I was 16 with Shirley Maclaine's "Out on a Limb," and pull myself out of that dark place.
I began doing a practice again every morning, kundalini and hatha yoga in the afternoon or evening, doing extra meditations even here and there. Spending almost whole afternoons walking in the sunshine in the park, just to feel the light on my skin, literally, hoping the literal would affect the figurative, which is began to (and for which I can credit my awesome tan which I had even before summer came into full swing!).
So, all this and I'm to a neutral place. Neutral, gray area. I am so not happy, I smile, laugh and enjoy parts of each day, but don't feel that happiness I felt when I was at my peak a few months ago. I also am so not unhappy, I'm not angry, sad, upset or even mildly irritated with anything. I am feeling almost nothing. Nothing at all. Not any emotions, one direction on the scale or the other.
Is this the neutral mind, the middle path, the balanced place I am to exist and live from? Is this where a yogi hopes to be one day? I must say, it is way better than living in that dark place where nothing feels like it can get any better no matter what one does towards the betterment of the situation. But it also does not feel as good as being in that happy, life affirming, smiling for absolutely no reason sort of place.
Maybe that existence isn't sustainable. Maybe thats the point. We have to be able to exist whether we are ecstatically happy, or whether we are feeling doom and gloomily, right? So we are to be in this place of nothingness? Of neutrality? Of balance?
Hmmm, I wonder. There is no answer. There just is, I am no matter what I think of these circumstances. I am whether I am teaching 84 people in the park or 6 in a closed in yoga studio room. I am whether I am swimming with my niece and nephew or sitting in a chair reading the latest Star Wars novella. I am, just I am. And maybe thats what I need to be content with. Just to be and create from this being and live the creation. Create, create, create. Build upon each creation and go forth evermore. I don't know if I like this idea or not, but either way I am still here, I still am, so am living it whether I like it or not, so I guess it becomes irrelevant right? Just be. Whats that bible verse? Be still and know that I am...
Thats enough for now, I've poured some out of my pitcher and need to see whats left, or maybe refill it. More another day. Sat Nam/Namaste.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
so. . . . . . .
I feel like I want to write, but I have no theme. Usually I'm working through some ideas and writing helps me get them sorted out but this time, nothing. I feel there is much in there to be expressed, but I also feel its not surfacing so maybe if I type stream of consciousness style it will come out, right?
Its funny to me how balance expresses itself in my life. My Tower Grove Park Farmers Market class literally had 84 people in it, which is all donation based so its accessible to everyone. Today my new 8am class had 2 people and the mens group at 4pm had only 5 people in it! That class used to be my bread an butter and now they have just quit coming, so don't know what to do about that. But thats one expression of yin/yang, sooo many at one, so few at another.
Another area, I havent' been as hungry (never am in the heat of summer) and yet here I am with a larger waistline than I've ever had in my life! I really don't know what thats about. I do think I shall attribute it to the kundalini practice though. Many of the meditations and kriyas free up the diaphragm and navel center so they are more open and allow the energy to flow rather than be blocked in that area, so I guess its okay. I feel great, so who cares!
Hmm, but still feeling unsatisfied. The stuff with Brian has been pretty well taken care of so I've let go of that stress. The income seems to be coming in strongly, or on its way in anyway, so no stress there. I've got some trips I want to take, that may be determined when I see how the income is doing on paydays but no biggie. So why do I feel, hmmm, lost? No not lost, just like an adventure is around the corner and I'm waiting on it to happen. Yeah, thats the feeling.
So I'm ready for it. As ready as I'll ever be anyway. Give it to me! I may wish I hadn't said that, but hell no, I'll be fine with it so here it goes--
Universe, I am as ready as I'll ever be for this big life change and the amazing things you've lined up for me, so bring em on!!!
Ok, thats good enough for now. I am ready and I needed to talk myself into realizing that that is what I'm feeling right now, anticipation of the oncoming, Anticipation!!! Love it!
Its funny to me how balance expresses itself in my life. My Tower Grove Park Farmers Market class literally had 84 people in it, which is all donation based so its accessible to everyone. Today my new 8am class had 2 people and the mens group at 4pm had only 5 people in it! That class used to be my bread an butter and now they have just quit coming, so don't know what to do about that. But thats one expression of yin/yang, sooo many at one, so few at another.
Another area, I havent' been as hungry (never am in the heat of summer) and yet here I am with a larger waistline than I've ever had in my life! I really don't know what thats about. I do think I shall attribute it to the kundalini practice though. Many of the meditations and kriyas free up the diaphragm and navel center so they are more open and allow the energy to flow rather than be blocked in that area, so I guess its okay. I feel great, so who cares!
Hmm, but still feeling unsatisfied. The stuff with Brian has been pretty well taken care of so I've let go of that stress. The income seems to be coming in strongly, or on its way in anyway, so no stress there. I've got some trips I want to take, that may be determined when I see how the income is doing on paydays but no biggie. So why do I feel, hmmm, lost? No not lost, just like an adventure is around the corner and I'm waiting on it to happen. Yeah, thats the feeling.
So I'm ready for it. As ready as I'll ever be anyway. Give it to me! I may wish I hadn't said that, but hell no, I'll be fine with it so here it goes--
Universe, I am as ready as I'll ever be for this big life change and the amazing things you've lined up for me, so bring em on!!!
Ok, thats good enough for now. I am ready and I needed to talk myself into realizing that that is what I'm feeling right now, anticipation of the oncoming, Anticipation!!! Love it!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Summer
Well, I know its not summer as yet, officially anyway, but the tides have felt as if they've turned.
After April 3rds White Tantric yoga experience the energy was supposed to be with me for 40days and boy was it. Whilst at the same time Mercury (the ruling planet of Gemini, of which I am one) was in retrograde which means that life turns upside down basically especially for those born under that sign, less so for those not under that sign but it still happens.
I don't know how much credence I give all that stuff, or used to, but now I give it some because I had the most tumultuous mental experiences up until a little over a week ago. And then all ofa sudden boom, relaxed mind and everything is coming easier again. Strange stuff for sure, but there is something to it.
So now my yoga practice is coming to me more easily, I'm able to sit and meditate more easily, I'm able to think more clearly and quickly and interestingly enough I'm less horny! Odd things these bodies we inhabit, I wonder truly will be ever know all the little quirks about them? Probably not, because as we expand and grow in consciousness we will create newer and more fabulous bodies, probably lighter ones that are able to float or fly! Who knows.
Just a tiny observance of mine for today. Thanks, as always, for reading it.
After April 3rds White Tantric yoga experience the energy was supposed to be with me for 40days and boy was it. Whilst at the same time Mercury (the ruling planet of Gemini, of which I am one) was in retrograde which means that life turns upside down basically especially for those born under that sign, less so for those not under that sign but it still happens.
I don't know how much credence I give all that stuff, or used to, but now I give it some because I had the most tumultuous mental experiences up until a little over a week ago. And then all ofa sudden boom, relaxed mind and everything is coming easier again. Strange stuff for sure, but there is something to it.
So now my yoga practice is coming to me more easily, I'm able to sit and meditate more easily, I'm able to think more clearly and quickly and interestingly enough I'm less horny! Odd things these bodies we inhabit, I wonder truly will be ever know all the little quirks about them? Probably not, because as we expand and grow in consciousness we will create newer and more fabulous bodies, probably lighter ones that are able to float or fly! Who knows.
Just a tiny observance of mine for today. Thanks, as always, for reading it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sri Krishna Pattabhi Jois
Sadly, K. Pattabhi Jois, the proponent of the Ashtanga Vinyasa sequences in the yoga world passed on at 2:30pm todays date in Mysore, India. That would be about 8:30pm or so last night here.
Anyone who has followed me and my teaching knows that Ashtanga was a humongous part of my life for 8 years, moving my way through the 3rd series of Pattabhi or Guruji's yoga. The last few years I've gotten more into the alignment principles of Anusara and Kundalini, but even for a year I was teaching Ashtanga with alignment principles before I finally got away from the practice all together.
Back in 2o00 after having only practiced partial primary series for 3 months I went to Boulder to study with him as he was hosted by Richard Freeman, a fairly famous yoga teacher whom is also from St Louis. This was something most thought was crazy as they had all heard stories of his adjustments in poses and the like, but I went anyway. I figure he's old and I may not have much of a chance, only to find this very vibrant 85 year old who tore through the room with much vigor, adjusting and calling out poses and calling out breaths and making us sweat like we've never sweated before, calling out Bad Man! or Bad Lady! when you tried to skip on a pose or skimp on a pose, then looking you in the eye, giving you a shit eating grin and wink and moving on. Same thing in 2002 in Maui, still a lion of a man and tough as nails.
Maui also led me to Nancy Gilgoff, a little gem of a yoga teacher who physically taught me uddiyana bandha. Amazing stuff and an amazing woman. One of the first three Americans to learn Ashtanga from Guruji, having gone there with her husband and Norman Allen who was featured in Enlighten Up!
Guruji had a smile like you couldn't imagine, just drop you to the floor with it and then you wanted to do whatever he asked, you want my foot where? oh sure, I will put it there! and then he would help you anyway.
His pidgeon English was always endearing as well and surprising how sometimes he wouldn't say a word or speak completely in Sanskrit or Kannada (his native tongue) and you would know exactly what he was saying. Funny how a midwestern raised homosexual who drank a lot (at the time) and thought partying was the end all be all of existence fell for this little bitty old Indian dude and his grandson (who really is hot in person). It still flabergasts me that I changed that quickly, became an almost celibate yogin who did this amazingly hard practice every morning and then taught it to who I taught it to. Most unlikely of folks coming to my classes when they were in Collinsville, but they loved it just as much as I did and still do.
I think that next week I will dedicate my practice to doing ashtanga in his memory. I know he is happy and was happy while alive, but is happy now too and that is why I want to celebrate him and his teachings which began me on this path of self discovery and challenge and changed my life completely, leaving the corporate world and started me moving toward teaching full time, which is a blessing for sure.
Thanks Guruji for so much! I'm sure Sharath, whom is an awesome teacher in his own right, will do you proud. Namaste!
Anyone who has followed me and my teaching knows that Ashtanga was a humongous part of my life for 8 years, moving my way through the 3rd series of Pattabhi or Guruji's yoga. The last few years I've gotten more into the alignment principles of Anusara and Kundalini, but even for a year I was teaching Ashtanga with alignment principles before I finally got away from the practice all together.
Back in 2o00 after having only practiced partial primary series for 3 months I went to Boulder to study with him as he was hosted by Richard Freeman, a fairly famous yoga teacher whom is also from St Louis. This was something most thought was crazy as they had all heard stories of his adjustments in poses and the like, but I went anyway. I figure he's old and I may not have much of a chance, only to find this very vibrant 85 year old who tore through the room with much vigor, adjusting and calling out poses and calling out breaths and making us sweat like we've never sweated before, calling out Bad Man! or Bad Lady! when you tried to skip on a pose or skimp on a pose, then looking you in the eye, giving you a shit eating grin and wink and moving on. Same thing in 2002 in Maui, still a lion of a man and tough as nails.
Maui also led me to Nancy Gilgoff, a little gem of a yoga teacher who physically taught me uddiyana bandha. Amazing stuff and an amazing woman. One of the first three Americans to learn Ashtanga from Guruji, having gone there with her husband and Norman Allen who was featured in Enlighten Up!
Guruji had a smile like you couldn't imagine, just drop you to the floor with it and then you wanted to do whatever he asked, you want my foot where? oh sure, I will put it there! and then he would help you anyway.
His pidgeon English was always endearing as well and surprising how sometimes he wouldn't say a word or speak completely in Sanskrit or Kannada (his native tongue) and you would know exactly what he was saying. Funny how a midwestern raised homosexual who drank a lot (at the time) and thought partying was the end all be all of existence fell for this little bitty old Indian dude and his grandson (who really is hot in person). It still flabergasts me that I changed that quickly, became an almost celibate yogin who did this amazingly hard practice every morning and then taught it to who I taught it to. Most unlikely of folks coming to my classes when they were in Collinsville, but they loved it just as much as I did and still do.
I think that next week I will dedicate my practice to doing ashtanga in his memory. I know he is happy and was happy while alive, but is happy now too and that is why I want to celebrate him and his teachings which began me on this path of self discovery and challenge and changed my life completely, leaving the corporate world and started me moving toward teaching full time, which is a blessing for sure.
Thanks Guruji for so much! I'm sure Sharath, whom is an awesome teacher in his own right, will do you proud. Namaste!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Enlighten Up! the film
Just saw this movie and it had a profound effect on me. With all this drama going on in my life, well in my head, I had lost my connection. Connection to consciousness, god, divine, energy, whatever one wants to call it. And that is my number one reason for being a yogi, for practicing all the types of yoga I have over the years. Right now I'm not even drawn to practice anything and I feel like a million bucks, so thats a testament to the fact that its all in your head. As Patanjali said, yoga is the cessation of fluctuations of the mind, nothing more, nothing less. My mind is not fluctuationg right now at all, and I'm definitely looking forward to a full nights sleep for a change!
So I let go of my connection when I met Brian and allowed the connection he and I had energetically to take over for my own connection to my inner divine, rather than holding on to my own connection and letting the energy between the two of us just add that much more to it. Now, don't get me wrong, its a great thing that connection between he and I, or you and whomever you have it with, but one has to figure out what makes them happy and hold onto it in spite of everything else on the planet.
But aren't we so quick to let go for a chance at love? Sure we are, I am so much proof of that this past couple weeks too! Not saying I don't want to let myself fall in love with him, but at the expense of my own love for myself, never again. At the expense of allowing my own inner divine to shine out through me? never again.
The glow I have has to be my own and when we're together we can echo one anothers glow back to each other or to others around. Never only glowing when we're together. He knows this innately, and its why he was so irritated by me letting mine go. I had to learn it from years of practice and so its still easily forgotten on my part. Soon it will be stuck in there though never to be lost again.
So I must say thanks to him. Send him much love and appreciation. The yoga started the process of my heart opening energetically but without someone to connect that heart energy too I never let it blossom fully and so now that I have allowed it out, I know I can allow it out all the time in any direction. I know I can be loving and compassionate and fully express it when I need to, to a student, to my mother, to my friends, even to strangers. Strangers of which there aren't any really! We are all little reflections of god and only have to learn what makes us happy, what connects us, because then we will begin to shine it out through our face, through our actions, through our entire being. And thats what this is really all about.
Realizing our own divinity. Sat Nam
So I let go of my connection when I met Brian and allowed the connection he and I had energetically to take over for my own connection to my inner divine, rather than holding on to my own connection and letting the energy between the two of us just add that much more to it. Now, don't get me wrong, its a great thing that connection between he and I, or you and whomever you have it with, but one has to figure out what makes them happy and hold onto it in spite of everything else on the planet.
But aren't we so quick to let go for a chance at love? Sure we are, I am so much proof of that this past couple weeks too! Not saying I don't want to let myself fall in love with him, but at the expense of my own love for myself, never again. At the expense of allowing my own inner divine to shine out through me? never again.
The glow I have has to be my own and when we're together we can echo one anothers glow back to each other or to others around. Never only glowing when we're together. He knows this innately, and its why he was so irritated by me letting mine go. I had to learn it from years of practice and so its still easily forgotten on my part. Soon it will be stuck in there though never to be lost again.
So I must say thanks to him. Send him much love and appreciation. The yoga started the process of my heart opening energetically but without someone to connect that heart energy too I never let it blossom fully and so now that I have allowed it out, I know I can allow it out all the time in any direction. I know I can be loving and compassionate and fully express it when I need to, to a student, to my mother, to my friends, even to strangers. Strangers of which there aren't any really! We are all little reflections of god and only have to learn what makes us happy, what connects us, because then we will begin to shine it out through our face, through our actions, through our entire being. And thats what this is really all about.
Realizing our own divinity. Sat Nam
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Emotions
Spring is a time when emotion tends to run rampant, or so I hear. I'm not usually subject to this phenomenon at least until this year. This year I'm having a major meltdown and am told Mercury is in retrograde on top of that and being a Gemini, ruled by Mercury, my existence as a whole will be majorly affected and turned on its head.
I don't know how much credence I put into that astrology stuff, but I tell you, I'm not having a great time.
After doing so much kundalini lately which has helped balance me, I'm finding it has also stirred up a lot of shit within me. It only took me meeting someone that I was willing to let in to start the landslide, but boy has that landslide started happening. I fear I'll be lost under all the rubble falling on me, mentally at least.
So where is the yoga in all this? I've practiced for 10 years now and am told of all of these great benefits of equanimity and such that are the boons of said practice. So where is my equanimity, my peace of mind, my balance, my ability to not let the emotions control me but to just feel them and observe them? I'm not sure, at all.
I just brings to mind what my friend Michael Faith teaches, everything in his classes revolves around the heart. The energy of the heart, I'm finding anyway, is an amazingly strong thing that is not to be reckoned with! I began the opening thru my Anusara practice and the kundalini only exacerbated that opening til the point now where I'm a mess. Maybe the heart energy really is the strongest thing on the planet, you know like, All You Need Is Love?!? Maybe once you unleash it its just that powerful and overwhelming so as to not be controlled, even through yogic techniques? If so, I'm fucked because I'm having a major unleashing and I mean major!
Well, maybe not a mess, maybe just falling in love. Falling for someone I don't even know how he feels about me even though others tell me they believe he feels the same, just doesn't want to miss me while he's gone on an upcoming month long trip and therefor is being standoffish. Falling for someone who tells me the trouble he had getting over his ex and how it will be a long time before he can befriend him and yet he keeps spending time with him this week, instead of me! Selfish I know, but this is my blog after all, right?Falling for someone who used to answer my texts almost before I was finished typing them and then a week later can't get an answer at all! Falling for someone whom one night we're making out and arousing each other and then a week later he won't even let me try to arouse him because he doesn't want to be intimate with me before he leaves because it will be easier.
What does he think intimate is? Intimate is the walks we've taken, the talks we've had, the kisses we've shared, the day we spent text flirting all day long. Sex, poo on sex (dont' get me wrong, I like it and want it), give me the rest!
One thing that disappoints me in myself is this, I am the biggest proponent that happiness comes from within, trying to teach people that on a daily basis. And I was happy up until Sunday, now I'm just miserable. And why? Why am I allowing someone else affect my yoga, my connection to my inner divinity? The key word being allowing. No one can do this to me, I have to be allowing them to do it, and that puts it back on my shoulders. Where is my inner strength, inner peace? What have I done with it? Again, maybe the heart energy is just that fucking strong, strong enough that even the strongest will (like mine) is affected. And why release that energy in a direction in which I'm feeling almost no reciprocation anymore? Maybe the energy knows better than I do, maybe its being drawn in a way that I've asked for it to? I did ask for a spiritually aware, loving, interesting, super smart, sexy, no nonsense guy who does yoga and/or has some sort of equivilant of an asana practice didn't I? Yes, I did. And the universe pushed it in front of me, only to take it away for a month a few weeks later.
Maybe that month will be the best thing thats happened between us. It will give him time to go away and forget how much I've driven him nuts wanting to be around him all the time, and give me time to create some distance. Maybe enough distance that when he's back I can have some composure and a bit more equanimity with him and myself and just let the things unfold the way they are going to, rather than trying to force anything. Hmmm.
Oh well, just ponderings here. Trying to find the yoga, the balance, within the situation. In a very public forum I realize but maybe thats how to do it? Just put it out there and let the universe come back with some answers. Hopefully, anyway.
Sat Nam
I don't know how much credence I put into that astrology stuff, but I tell you, I'm not having a great time.
After doing so much kundalini lately which has helped balance me, I'm finding it has also stirred up a lot of shit within me. It only took me meeting someone that I was willing to let in to start the landslide, but boy has that landslide started happening. I fear I'll be lost under all the rubble falling on me, mentally at least.
So where is the yoga in all this? I've practiced for 10 years now and am told of all of these great benefits of equanimity and such that are the boons of said practice. So where is my equanimity, my peace of mind, my balance, my ability to not let the emotions control me but to just feel them and observe them? I'm not sure, at all.
I just brings to mind what my friend Michael Faith teaches, everything in his classes revolves around the heart. The energy of the heart, I'm finding anyway, is an amazingly strong thing that is not to be reckoned with! I began the opening thru my Anusara practice and the kundalini only exacerbated that opening til the point now where I'm a mess. Maybe the heart energy really is the strongest thing on the planet, you know like, All You Need Is Love?!? Maybe once you unleash it its just that powerful and overwhelming so as to not be controlled, even through yogic techniques? If so, I'm fucked because I'm having a major unleashing and I mean major!
Well, maybe not a mess, maybe just falling in love. Falling for someone I don't even know how he feels about me even though others tell me they believe he feels the same, just doesn't want to miss me while he's gone on an upcoming month long trip and therefor is being standoffish. Falling for someone who tells me the trouble he had getting over his ex and how it will be a long time before he can befriend him and yet he keeps spending time with him this week, instead of me! Selfish I know, but this is my blog after all, right?Falling for someone who used to answer my texts almost before I was finished typing them and then a week later can't get an answer at all! Falling for someone whom one night we're making out and arousing each other and then a week later he won't even let me try to arouse him because he doesn't want to be intimate with me before he leaves because it will be easier.
What does he think intimate is? Intimate is the walks we've taken, the talks we've had, the kisses we've shared, the day we spent text flirting all day long. Sex, poo on sex (dont' get me wrong, I like it and want it), give me the rest!
One thing that disappoints me in myself is this, I am the biggest proponent that happiness comes from within, trying to teach people that on a daily basis. And I was happy up until Sunday, now I'm just miserable. And why? Why am I allowing someone else affect my yoga, my connection to my inner divinity? The key word being allowing. No one can do this to me, I have to be allowing them to do it, and that puts it back on my shoulders. Where is my inner strength, inner peace? What have I done with it? Again, maybe the heart energy is just that fucking strong, strong enough that even the strongest will (like mine) is affected. And why release that energy in a direction in which I'm feeling almost no reciprocation anymore? Maybe the energy knows better than I do, maybe its being drawn in a way that I've asked for it to? I did ask for a spiritually aware, loving, interesting, super smart, sexy, no nonsense guy who does yoga and/or has some sort of equivilant of an asana practice didn't I? Yes, I did. And the universe pushed it in front of me, only to take it away for a month a few weeks later.
Maybe that month will be the best thing thats happened between us. It will give him time to go away and forget how much I've driven him nuts wanting to be around him all the time, and give me time to create some distance. Maybe enough distance that when he's back I can have some composure and a bit more equanimity with him and myself and just let the things unfold the way they are going to, rather than trying to force anything. Hmmm.
Oh well, just ponderings here. Trying to find the yoga, the balance, within the situation. In a very public forum I realize but maybe thats how to do it? Just put it out there and let the universe come back with some answers. Hopefully, anyway.
Sat Nam
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