Happy people

So, this is my outlet. My outlet for allowing a deeper, more personal side of me out and showing people that I am human and still have a lot of work to do.

I was contemplating putting a Facebook post out there, as a good friend of mine does and he gets a lot of support and comes across very elegantly, but I've done that a couple times and it backfires on me and I get a lot of resistance. I have my own inner resistance to deal with daily, so I don't need it manifesting in external sources like that, not anymore. For some reason when I write a blog, people love it, so here it is.

I have a lot of friends, well maybe not a lot, but a bunch of them who are naturally happy people. They think, they feel emotional and all but their go to place is one of light and joy. I see them and am jealous but also grateful for them as well, because it shows me it is a possible place to live in. I love them and if you are reading this you will know I am speaking of you, I love you and appreciate you in my life, more than you'll ever know.

I, however, am not one of those people. I have to work and work at being happy. My go to place is the dark side of the force. I know that in even typing this I'm reinforcing it but that's okay, I've made peace with it and will go further so as to undo any "bad" stuff it could draw to me.

When I discovered yoga in late 1999 it was the first time it was made known to me that finding the light within was a possibility, but when I discovered the teachings of Abraham in 2006-2007 it was really made known that my being in a dark place was one of a choice, not one out of my control. I remember lamenting then that I was always drawn to the hardest paths on the planet, why me, that sort of thing. I mean Ashtanga Yoga is the hardest asana practice on the planet, yes it is, but goddamn it, I love it with all of my heart. Kundalini Yoga, another of my paths that was a part of my life from 2000 until last year, is also one of the hardest things on the planet. Each kriya, or sequence, was more challening than the one before it and the place it took you was so deep and raw and yet powerful that you couldn't not do it again the next day, and it did help me get to where I am with understanding energy flow and being able to use that in my eventual return to the Ashtanga Yoga practice.

But even worse, the teachings of Abraham is the hardest thing on the planet, more so than either of the other two. Not because there is anything hard physically to do, but the mental work is the most difficult part and the emotional work, omg I can't even talk about it. Then the dawning in my mind that yoga, is really about the mental work but using the body as a tool to get it under control first, then the mind can flow more easily.

The teachings were hard at first because they ask you to notice how you feel, all the fucking time, but noticing that is just the beginning. You have to know what you were thinking about as you notice how you feel, because the emotion was brought up by the thought and the direction of the emotion, whether it be "bad" or "good" shows where you are in relation to the thing you were thinking about. AASARRRahghhhbh!!! lol

So, when you've done it for a while, it does get easier and you are able to catch yourself more quickly or sooner than you used to, so that you don't go down that dark path too far and it is more simple to work your way back to better feeling thoughts, and eventually that gets easier and easier and your "bad" days get fewer and fewer between but even better is that the thing you're calling "bad" gets less and less so, so that bad may be feeling indifferent whereas a year ago it meant anger so strong you wanted to strangle someone.

So, why am I drawn to all the hardest paths possible? I don't know. But I do believe we, when still not in a body, choose our path and choose it based on who we'll be born to and such, so that we can have an experience different than one we've lived in another life, maybe. So our physicality will be a certain way, or our upbringing a certain way. Or whatever, just so that being in a body is a new experience that we come here to grow and expand in, in new ways. So I chose this and therefore I have to make peace with it, because only after I've made peace with it can I begin to appreciate the contrast that is brought to me by me and grow and expand even further.

It all makes sense to me, I get it, I believe in it and how I've discovered it works, so am therefore more easily able to find peace with things.

All of this to say, today, I'm having one of those dark days of the soul. Not dark like they were when I was in my teens, twenties or even part of my thirties after I'd begun yoga, but one of those days where being a little down is just the easier place to go than to be a being full of light and love. Also, on these days where I feel like I need to be around people and feel their love and light (maybe those Happy People I so named this article after) I cannot manifest them in my existence, at all, it's impossible. I did one today though and we spent a few hours together, and a couple others texted with me. So there is my new point of attraction. I am progressing further forward and feeling lighter and lighter, so now the dark days are even more so like at dusk than at night, they still have a little light in them, or a medium amount of light in them. My last one about a month ago I couldn't even raze one of the light people.

See there, I've made myself feel even better than I did at the beginning of this article, good job!

If none of this makes any sense to you, that's okay, its really for me to release this stuff that I write these blogs and if by chance it benefits someone else as well, then that's the bonus.

Love you, happy holiday, see you soon!

Manifesting Mysore

So, on Facebook many people I'm connecting with are authorized or certified teachers in the Ashtanga Yoga tradition and for them Sharath is doing a special teacher training in July and August, and many of them are there and are posting pics already.

It excites me to see this because now I know where these places are that I'm seeing, I've been there, or have been close in person. Which makes me excited to go back.

When I got home I devised a plan to teach and then to save all donations from the park and go back to Mysore in November and December, coming home in January sometime. But so far I've had to use the donations from the park to live off of and haven't put any of it away. So, starting soon I'm going to do just that and visualize and feel Mysore all around me so that I can make it happen again.

I thought of doing another gofundme campaign as well, and I know some people who even have spiritual sponsors that are funding their yoga journeys, there are many ways to do this. But I think I'd like to teach yoga and let the yoga pay for another yoga trip. Typically in St. Louis yoga teachers don't make that much money being the problem there. I'm really not opposed to having a sponsor, so if you want private lessons for the rest of your life and want to pay for me to go to Mysore peridiocally, applications now being accepted! lol

This isn't going to be a long post, I just wanted to share how excited I am to teaching Ashtanga Yoga and in order to keep up my practice and be a better teacher I need to keep going to Mysore and furthering my experience within the Ashtanga Yoga system with my teacher there, and thinking of that excites me too.

Come to class and help me get back to India so that I can come back again and be more and more excited to teach you guys, I love this stuff!

back to "normal" ... ?

So, I've had a few different discussions this week that have pointed to getting to feeling back to normal. Normal to me is better put in quotes like in the title of this article, because what is normal? It is a relative term, right?

I think so because what is normal for me, is not normal for you or anyone else, nor should it be.

But, the big question is, as we move through this life and if you're practicing yoga, and I'm talking about yoga, not just asana (although asana tends to lead you into a deeper place that makes you take interest in the fuller aspects of yoga if you're open to it) as it's meant to be practiced in the east with the fullness of your being seeking liberation then you are trying to remove the veils, koshas in Sanskrit.

Veils you ask? I never thought of it like this before, even though I've read plenty of scripture that uses this terminology, I don't think we get it until we GET it, have that aha moment. Mine was yesterday.

So the idea is that we are spirit, a bright shining soul that is powerful and glowing with this inner power. As we come to the earth to inhabit a body we are cloaked in veil after veil of heavier and heavier substance until we basically forget we are the soul and identify with only the body and the material things in front of our face. But the Eastern traditions have many spiritual paths that are meant to unveil us so that we realize again that we are this bright, shiny spirit underneath it all. And you know those people who are on that path, they do have a glow and you can feel their energy when they walk into the room and the more veils they've uncloaked themselves from the bigger that energy is.

So as I started the practice of yoga and began to have little aha moments, little realizations towards this end, I thought of it as transforming myself into a new bright and shiny being, but the converse is true I now believe.

I am slowly uncovering the true me and the further and further I unveil the more different I feel and the more different I feel and the more different I feel, and even bigger, the more different those around me respond to me.

So, in a conversation back to normal came up, but I said to myself, what if back to normal is not an option. If as is said, the only constant is change, and we as yogis are meant to be able to adapt to any situation as it comes up and be equanimous in each situation, then aren't we also meant to be okay with whom we are as we unveil our true self? And I mean as we truly are.

Think of a lamp and you've put many cloths over it it create a mood, so its still light in the room even though it's dark outside, but it's darker and even a bit green, red or whatever the color the veils you've put over it are. But you remove one, notice the difference, it's lighter, but still a mood albeit a different mood than before, and then another, and another. The mood slightly shifts as each piece of cloth is taken away. BUT as you remove each piece of cloth the room becomes more the room as it is normally before you put all those veils over it. The light bulb is your true self, your "normal" self, not what you thought was you as you were before you began removing the veils when you started your practice of yoga, or Buddhist meditation, or Kabbalah, or whatever you're doing that's bringing you closer to your true self. So will you ever get back to the "normal" that you originally meant? I hope to hell not, you've taken all this time to work in the direction you are going, so normal will be constantly changing until you unveil the bare light bulb which I don't even know if it's possible while we're in a body to do so, but we can get as close as we can.

So, next time you use that phrase "I can't wait to get back to normal." Think about it, do you really want that? Nah, you want the new normal and the next normal and the constant evolution of what that means at that moment, not what you were way back when. Don't you?

Slow going...

So, when I got home from India my plan was to get my classes going again, start the income flowing and then when the park started I could put that money directly in the bank and use it to go back to India in the fall/winter. The park class is a donation based class and while I don't make good money per student, probably only about 60% actually donate, it's an hour class and I can make decent money.

So far that class has been amazing, lots of people great donations, great questions after and this year I have some great assistants to help them out, with over 200-over 300 coming weekly I can't help them all. So, no complaints on that front at all. But my classes at studios have been slow, so slow. What's going on? I'm not a person who believes in lack and I do believe there is more than enough for everyone, so the fact that many of the older teachers in town have been complaining that there are just too many teachers being pumped out doesn't usually bother me. All this while they are doing teacher trainings to keep their studios afloat mind you lol.

So what is it? I've changed, I know that, and the students here have too. The ones who are coming are strong and eager for the deeper work they're doing with the primary series, so, it's me... Has to be.

Not me in the way you think I'm saying, I'm not saying I suck and no one wants to take my class. I like me and think I'm moving in the direction that fuels my fire, but I've just been in a lackful state of mind for a while.

Before I left, I was so excited and in that excitement was inviting abundance from the universe and got it, now, not so much.

I am getting back to feeling better and in feeling better can cultivate that excitement again that will draw more profitability to me and then I'll be good again.

No, dammit, I'm good again now. Intentionality has to be in the present and forward not when I get there I'll get this, so I'm good now. The universe is flowing and is abundant and has enough to give me to live off of, to put away for India and to just put away for a rainy day. It has enough to send me all around the globe if I so choose, I just have to make up my mind about where I want to go and buy the ticket!

Money comes to me easily and often, money comes to me easily and often, money comes to me easily and often!!!

I haven't posted in a while...

So here it goes, I have no idea what I want to write, just that I want to write.

There is much going on in my mind lately, should I add a class here? there? should I drop this class? should I quit teaching and just get a job and focus on my practice? (decided no on that one btw, I really hate everything except teaching yoga) should I move? do I really want to move with the fact that I want to go back to India in the fall and don't want a lease to worry about? should I move to a whole other state? or country? should I go live in a cave and say fuck society? what should I do with myself????

I really don't know. India kinda fucked me up. Not in a bad way at all, but in a way that made me know I've been complacent in the design of my future, so I need to figure out what I want to do with myself.

Ok, I know I want to focus on teaching Ashtanga Yoga, it is amazing and has changed my life. I know it can be applied as a therapeutic practice, a challenging practice, a workout, a deep, deep way to connect to ones inner self. So, I want to teach Mysore style, yes that I do... I add on one Mysore style class Sunday mornings, its been going for 4 weeks and is doing very well, for a brand new class especially.

I love this style of teaching. So I like teaching some other classes that are led so that people can get that as well, the breath count, the sequence, all of that, but Mysore style is it.

I really, really want to go back to India for two months in the fall/winter to study further with Sharath, possibly take an extra couple weeks to go north and see the Ganga and the Himalayas, both of which I'm drawn to desperately, they over there say I've lived there in another life.

So, I've started the moving forward in life, and I'm okay with that for now but am still in the mood for more and more and more. More what? More teaching right now, adding on a few more classes would be good for me so if you know of any place, let me know! lol, Also, maybe more in other areas too. Maybe explore some dating? Maybe going on a few more trips than usual? Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Maybe a lot of things. I'm open and want to see what it is that my little heart desires, join me for the ride?

India pt. 2

Yes, I'm calling this India part 2, not because I'm going to write more about India, although I could do that, but mostly because I believe India is still working it's magic on my life.

I still feel like I'm walking and doing most things in a daze, or not a daze, I'm coherent, but more like I'm watching a movie, observing all these things happening to this guy in the film, he looks a lot like me but more blonde and thinner, maybe a bit better looking too...lol.

So, I'm trying to figure out what that means. I felt that way much of the time in India, like I was observing this guy schlep about, to eat lunch, to take a shower, to have a nap, to meet friends for an outing, to bed. The only time I never felt like I was watching myself, but felt like I was actually the doer and be er of the situation was when I was walking to the shala in the morning, that walk was sacred to me most mornings. It was quiet, other than the one time I woke the dogs up and they barked at me half the way in, but then when I walked up the steps, left my shoes on the porch and walked into the foyer to either wait or be called in to practice, at that point, when Sharath said "One More" and pointed to me to come in, that's when the observer took over and the rest of my day was viewed through his lense.

Right now, and a large part of today, I felt completely present and not in this state, so maybe it's something that will change eventually much like my getting use to being here again, with time.

So, now I'm living my life back in the routine, almost exactly the same routine that I grew into before I left. Yes, I'm saying that with a little vitriol, meaning I love teaching and love teaching Ashtanga most, so when I'm doing that and counting the breaths (which I've been doing since I got home) I feel the most happy, comfortable and at peace with myself that I do all the rest of the day. So what can I do to shake things up? Teach more? Where? Go on a float trip? (that I'm doing in a couple weeks) Go away for a weekend somewhere new? Yes, that sounds good. Move? Yes, I want to move, somewhere new here? Somewhere completely new and start all over again? Maybe...

I don't know, but this an invite to the universe to shake things up, maybe not violently and with smoother edges than it had last week, please? But yes, I'm ready for new things, new blood, new paths to tread, new corners to stick my nose into, just plain new stuff!

So, if you read this, consider yourself invited to join me for the ride, or to facilitate something new, we're all in this together, so let's act like it!!!

India

Ok, it's been a while since I've written, but I didn't have a computer after Seabrook left so I'm home now, and I'm starting to feel "normal" again, unfortunately lol, so I'm writing now.

I think I've mostly kept you all updated on many fronts, on here a bit, on Facebook a lot and since I've been back I filled some of you in, a bit.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to just sit down and talk about what the experience was like, because it's something that sticks with you and slowly integrates, but integrates in a way (so far anyway) that is very personal and private and not something there may even be words to share it with. So I'll do my best to tell a story, or share an anecdote as they come up in normal conversation and just in life in general.

I've decided that I'll be going back to Mysore in November/December to study with Sharath some more. There are no authorized or certified teachers in our area, I'm pretty much one of the only two who've been over there to do the deeper work in this system, in St. Louis anyway, there are a few in Chicago and maybe some other areas semi close, but not here. Since I don't have a teacher I really absorbed everything Sharath told me or shared with me and do my best to utilize it in my practice and have decided that I'll be the authorized teacher in the area, eventually, and so need to travel over there at least once a season to stay fresh in his mind as a practitioner, but also to keep the learning fresh in my being. As I learn, you all benefit from it as well. I'm not sure how it'll all come out tomorrow at my first class since I've returned but we'll see, it'll be a surprise for us all!

I did finish the primary series over there, under his tutelage and have actually been having amazing practices since I've been home. When you finish primary series in India you start to work on deep back bending before the closing sequence, to balance out the forward bending, and that is what I'm working on at home. If you come to my classes you know we do three or so back bends before a deep forward bend and then the inversions of the closing sequence, well when you're there you learn the stand up from your third back bend and and then drop back, then you do that a couple more times, then someone is meant to be helping you do half drop backs to open up the spine more and then you work towards grabbing or "catching" as Sharath calls it, your ankles and yes from the drop back...

Since I've been home I've been able to stand up and drop back but today I practiced with a friend who just did a teaching immersion with Kino MacGregor and she was able to help me do the half drop backs, which was awesome.

Before I left I had a meeting with Sharath about my practice and how to proceed, he asked me when I was coming back I said I hoped to in the fall and he said just do primary and work on the back bending all summer, to get my spine opened up and the energy flowing, the nervous system good and toned, then when I come back he'll start me on the intermediate series, if I was coming back later he said maybe he would have me work on Pashasana, the first posture of intermediate series. So that is what I'm doing. When you have as talented a teacher as he is as your teacher you listen to them. He knows my stuff and where it is in my body and mind, so I trust him.

I'm missing aspects of India but am feeling more at home again here, although I will say this. People here are scattered, all caught up in their head and act frazzled all the time, but folks, life here is fairly simple and easy flowing, so get over that shit! In India life is crazy, there is everything, yes literally everything, happening all at once and yet the people stay calm, focused and present. They are resolved to their karma and believe there is nothing they can do about it so just stay focused on the task at hand, in the present, not worrying about things they can't do anything about until they get to them, like we do, but present, right where they are at that very moment.

So we need to work on this. Come to yoga class, but for gods sake start studying the deeper aspects of the philosophy and put it into play in your life, learn how to be present and observing of what's in front of you at that time and deal with that and only that then, then the next thing, then the next...etc...

Well, that's enough for now. I have to go catch up on RuPaul's Drag Races' newest season and watch the first episode of Game of Thrones before the new episodes of each in the next few days, but I'm also tired and ready to chill before teaching at the farmers market tomorrow and teacher training all afternoon.

So take care, and be present!