Emotions

Spring is a time when emotion tends to run rampant, or so I hear. I'm not usually subject to this phenomenon at least until this year. This year I'm having a major meltdown and am told Mercury is in retrograde on top of that and being a Gemini, ruled by Mercury, my existence as a whole will be majorly affected and turned on its head.

I don't know how much credence I put into that astrology stuff, but I tell you, I'm not having a great time.

After doing so much kundalini lately which has helped balance me, I'm finding it has also stirred up a lot of shit within me. It only took me meeting someone that I was willing to let in to start the landslide, but boy has that landslide started happening. I fear I'll be lost under all the rubble falling on me, mentally at least.

So where is the yoga in all this? I've practiced for 10 years now and am told of all of these great benefits of equanimity and such that are the boons of said practice. So where is my equanimity, my peace of mind, my balance, my ability to not let the emotions control me but to just feel them and observe them? I'm not sure, at all.

I just brings to mind what my friend Michael Faith teaches, everything in his classes revolves around the heart. The energy of the heart, I'm finding anyway, is an amazingly strong thing that is not to be reckoned with! I began the opening thru my Anusara practice and the kundalini only exacerbated that opening til the point now where I'm a mess. Maybe the heart energy really is the strongest thing on the planet, you know like, All You Need Is Love?!? Maybe once you unleash it its just that powerful and overwhelming so as to not be controlled, even through yogic techniques? If so, I'm fucked because I'm having a major unleashing and I mean major!

Well, maybe not a mess, maybe just falling in love. Falling for someone I don't even know how he feels about me even though others tell me they believe he feels the same, just doesn't want to miss me while he's gone on an upcoming month long trip and therefor is being standoffish. Falling for someone who tells me the trouble he had getting over his ex and how it will be a long time before he can befriend him and yet he keeps spending time with him this week, instead of me! Selfish I know, but this is my blog after all, right?Falling for someone who used to answer my texts almost before I was finished typing them and then a week later can't get an answer at all! Falling for someone whom one night we're making out and arousing each other and then a week later he won't even let me try to arouse him because he doesn't want to be intimate with me before he leaves because it will be easier.

What does he think intimate is? Intimate is the walks we've taken, the talks we've had, the kisses we've shared, the day we spent text flirting all day long. Sex, poo on sex (dont' get me wrong, I like it and want it), give me the rest!

One thing that disappoints me in myself is this, I am the biggest proponent that happiness comes from within, trying to teach people that on a daily basis. And I was happy up until Sunday, now I'm just miserable. And why? Why am I allowing someone else affect my yoga, my connection to my inner divinity? The key word being allowing. No one can do this to me, I have to be allowing them to do it, and that puts it back on my shoulders. Where is my inner strength, inner peace? What have I done with it? Again, maybe the heart energy is just that fucking strong, strong enough that even the strongest will (like mine) is affected. And why release that energy in a direction in which I'm feeling almost no reciprocation anymore? Maybe the energy knows better than I do, maybe its being drawn in a way that I've asked for it to? I did ask for a spiritually aware, loving, interesting, super smart, sexy, no nonsense guy who does yoga and/or has some sort of equivilant of an asana practice didn't I? Yes, I did. And the universe pushed it in front of me, only to take it away for a month a few weeks later.

Maybe that month will be the best thing thats happened between us. It will give him time to go away and forget how much I've driven him nuts wanting to be around him all the time, and give me time to create some distance. Maybe enough distance that when he's back I can have some composure and a bit more equanimity with him and myself and just let the things unfold the way they are going to, rather than trying to force anything. Hmmm.

Oh well, just ponderings here. Trying to find the yoga, the balance, within the situation. In a very public forum I realize but maybe thats how to do it? Just put it out there and let the universe come back with some answers. Hopefully, anyway.

Sat Nam

Spring redux

One thing thats occurred to me just now about that last post. That last post is also a perfect example of what I mean by being stuck in the mud. Meaning dealing with those lower emotions or lower chakra emanations rather that coming at it from a higher chakra level reinforces the idea to me of how hard it is in this area to stay in the more positive or neutral aspects of life.

Feeling those feelings of attachment, which are really my mothers issues and not mine, some that I usurped from her over the course of living with her and her ideas of men and how they are, based solely on my fathers behaviour towards her and other women, have nothing to do with me.

Someone I've just met shouldn't have to deal with my mothers issues manifesting my mind and being enacted in his direction, he's a clean slate. And this one in particular is a highly evolved individual and deserves to not have me worried and acting selfishly or should I say self-preservatively (is that a phrase?) when he has done absolutely nothing to enact my danger sense. Other than being an old-fashioned, loving, heart opened gentleman toward me he in fact hasn't been less than perfect.

So in fact its time to approach this relationship from a higher level, higher chakras, heart, throat and third eye. From an enlightened perspective than from a base level perspective, fighting for whats mine, or what should be mine or what I think should be mine when in fact, nothing is mine and everything is mine.

We are all manifestations of a divinity that we can only chance to understand and hope and pray to emulate even in the slightest bit. So why not act like it?

I think its brilliant that I've been such a fuck-up at relationships all my life due to holding onto my mothers belief system of men, so what does the universe do to move me to the next level? It sends me a man, who is just a man, but whom is also attractive to me on my animalistic levels and whom is attractive to me on my upper chakra levels. Someone who is highly evolved and in different ways than I am that I can build off of and learn my lessons from, someone who will challenge me and make me grow, but someone who also will be challenged by me and not run from it but will grow from the challenge.

Hmmm, I like the sound of it and will stay on top of my work in the situation, I hope! lol.

Sat Nam!

Spring

So, spring is in full bloom, literally and figuratively. This time of year I usually find myself feeling lonely when I normally am fully content with only my own company, and this year is no exception.

I've been feeling sooo awesome, mostly due to the strength I've gained mentally from my kundalini yoga practice, and I still feel really great. Just a bit lonely.

I've met a guy whom I actually really like and he practices yoga, which is a big plus, and he's an intelligent, language loving person and I could fall for him, probably already am in fact but thats neither here nor there right now. The thing is that even though we've texted, talked, taken walks and so forth a bit each day since the exchange of numbers I still get a bit melancholic in the afternoons and feel lonely.

Now, by all rights its not his job to keep me from feeling this way, it really has nothing to do with him, but I feel that maybe feeling this from me may scare him off. I don't think it will, but okay its afternoon and I'm feeling melancholy again, so I'm being pessimistic. Give me a minute and I'll get back to my loving, happy self! lol He's tough and self suffcient so I'm sure it won't, but I have that fear for some reason. And trust me, he's a keeper, a real keeper and someone that I consider an equal in all aspects of my life. So, needless to say I don't want to push him away.

Now, already I'm getting this shit out and I'm feeling better. I know I'm a great catch, I have a lot to offer a relationship and I have a lot to learn about them too. Especially in the area of giving that person their space, and not losing myself in the process (which I am wont to do).

So, just thought about this. When I'm beginning to feel the downward swing in the afternoon I will do a meditation from Yogi Bhajan to pick me back up, mentally, and then see how I feel. Then I will start catching my thoughts before they get to the point of this downward spiral and turn them around to think of the wonderful things in my life, of which there are many, and the wonderful things upcoming.

My goal is to not be detached from the situation, or too attached to the situation, so I have some great tools at my disposal that need to be used to help this process, so I will now start to use them. Ok, off to my kundalini class to get in a better space and look forward in my thinking.

Btw, thanks for reading, whomever you may be, and finding my process of working through these thoughts and feelings interesting enough to come back for more! Write again soon, hopefully from a better perspective. Not that this was a bad one, just started out feeling that way, now it feels better.

Sat Nam!

LATER THAT SAME NIGHT:

So I've been to my class,my teacher said many words that inspired me and made me realize what a large part of my problem is, not that I'm necessarily ready to write about that yet but it mainly works around my 5th chakra, throat chakra that is and its connection to my heart chakra. My heart chakra which is quite open lately but I'm waaay out of balance in my throat chakra, also this is based on a workbook I have, and the connection between the two is where my work is. I speak from my heart but not from a neutral place, taking into consideration where the other person is speaking from and finding the common ground between the two. Make sense? It does to me now after speaking with Nancy and her just having come back from a Conscious Communications kundalini level 2 seminar. You have to take into consideration which chakra you're speaking from and which chakra the other is hearing you from and find the common ground between the two for the communication to actually happen, you also have to listen to yourself as you speak, and hear yourself, whilst checking to see if they are hearing you or just not taking it in at all as most people are. So, I'm good, just need to balance my 5th chakra and monitor my speech as it comes from my heart, making sure its not too overwhelming, which I know I can be!

Homo Yogis

So, its been being drawn to my attention a lot lately the fact that yoga is an area in which not much is said about homosexuality, me being a homosexual and having addressed this a lot lately I've felt led to type some words on it.

In the Kundalini Yoga Yahoo group there has been a discussion lately about gay marriage and how the 3HO feels about it, how Yogi Bhajan felt about it, etc. I am reading his book The Mind; Its Projections and Multiple Facets, right now and in it I would feel obliged to point out that he is not trying to get us to comply with any Sikh rules or any rules involving what anyone else thinks at all. He is trying to get us to do his exercises, use the meditations he has taught us to simply come to ourselves and the Guru that is within and form our own patterns of thought of things. Not to worry about what anyone else thinks at all, but to formulate our own lines of thought around any and every subject that comes up in our lives. I know in America we are mostly taught to be followers and consumers, told on a daily basis what to buy, what to wear, what to eat, what to think, what not to think, etc and it would seem that the teachings he is laying down or was laying down before leaving his body were to liberate us from those trains of thought, to liberate us to create our own ideas of things and even then to liberate ourselves from those self-created trains of thought eventually. Constantly evolving and growing, preparing us for the onset of the Aquarian age.

When I first began with Ashtanga and went to Boulder to study with K. Pattabhi Jois for a week I wondered at this. There seemed to be many gay men there, and a few lesbians, but that subject was never brought up, not once. So I was asking about it and was responded to about how India looks at homosexuality as a whole, so why ask about something that his general upbringing had made him prejudiced against? Certainly I guess, but then the guy talking expounded a bit, saying how it really made no difference what Guruji thought because yoga was about your union with your divine self, not his union with his divine self, and so what really mattered was how I felt about it, right? Duh!

So then on to Anusara, they being Tantrically rooted were more accepting and would talk about it and basically told me the same thing--why does it matter what we think, what do you think? Its all about your connection to the divine, not mine! Duh!

So all of these paths of yoga, different, yet leading to the same goal have said the same thing, to my heart anyway, not necessarily straight from each teachers mouth but from the teachings to the openness of my mind and the connection I've created for myself to the universe, it only matters what I think. Because I create my reality right? You don't, nor you, nor you, just me and my mind create it.

So next week my gay friend who is also a yogi comes to town to teach some workshops on building ones inner fire through a yoga practice, burning the learning into oneself through the physicality of it all. It will be great to have him (check out his blog at www.yogiinthecity.blogspot.com) and have fellowship with another being trying to use yoga to create a better life and connection for himself. Also having met another gay yogi in St Louis recently I've found it nice to be able discuss yogic ideas and trains of thought with other gay men. My roommates as well, they are on their own path but are the kind of people who love to discuss this stuff too. It is nice to have that, something I've wanted for many years, gay people in my life who in it for more than just the partying, smoky bar, hook up lifestyle.

I've been wanting more for a while and put it out there long enough that now I'm open to it and drawing those like minded individuals to my life, and saying to the universe thanks for leading me to these teachings just so I could become okay with myself feeling how I feel, diving deeper into me and not worrying about what anyone else thinks of me. It only matters what I think of me and ultimately that doesnt' even matter, because the soul that uses this body for learning and teaching and growing, is already a piece of the greater soul out there and is okay with whatever comes out of me, because it is divine in and of itself.

So lets be gay, straight, bisexual, whatever we may be, just be the best, fullest, happiest, most loving versions of ourselves we can be and walk down the street with our heads held high, even as our beards get bigger and bigger (speaking of myself there! lol) and hair gets longer and longer and let the brightness that is our souls shine out through our skin, through our bright eyes and inspire others to want that same connection we have, to look to their own hearts to find it and become it.

Lets defy everything we're taught and be happy and peaceful and full of life and go forth into the world and Be Yoga!

Sat Nam, Sat Inder Singh

White Tantric Yoga

So I've attended my first White Tantric Yoga, from the kundalini yoga tradition as taught by Yogi Bhajan. It was about 9 hours of kundalini partner work that is usually very physically intense and mentally intense, but this one was less physically intense for me and more mental work.

I was partnered with a lovely lady named Gloria and we've since become fast friends. It was an experience like no other for sure. It was great that the facilitator, Satsimran Kaur Khalsa, was an irreverent, down to earth yogini who just happened to be the one who worked with Yogi Bhajan to create these White Tantrics for us, so it was very cool to be in her presence.

There were a couple others with us from St Louis and so it was a little community builder. Its as if once you've gone through one you and the people you're with are bonded more deeply, I guess because of the intensity of the situation. And I'm sure because of the kundalini yogis surrounding you. They are all just the most peaceful, down to earth, loving and helpful folks you could want to meet.

I have been glowing ever since, other than coming down a bit yesterday. Feeling a bit more angry and uptight, but it went away as soon as I relaxed around it and let it go. After Hugh (my roommate) and I went through the Surya Kriya this morning I felt just as awesome as I had since Saturday.

Not much else to say, since I haven't processed all of whats going on in my body and mind yet. It was powerful and the energy of it still courses through me, and just makes me happy and peaceful and not wanting to think so much, so when something comes to me I'll be blogging again!

Sat Nam, Sat Inder Singh

See the pot, not the paint

The above is a quote I shortened to this succinct statement. The full synopsis was written by Douglas Brooks in his Tantric interpretation of the Bhagavad Ghita. I'm not going to type out the complete quote because I think the shortened statement says it all.

The idea being that a pot is always the same pot it was even when you paint it blue. The blue is irrelevant because its the same clay pot underneath it. Meaning we are all the same underneath. Looking at it from a physical perspective we're all red blood, muscle tissue, veins, nerves and bones, no matter what color or how hairy or smooth or whatever the packaging looks like. I like to see it from a more metaphysical perspective, we're all casing for a soul. A soul, being a small piece of the larger divine, is always there floating around and commiserating with other souls until they decide to come into a body, then they are all just this physical ick and goo housing the soul. The soul being the animating factor to the physical body.

Since we're all the same, really, literally and figuratively why can't we all just get along. Yogi Bhajan is quoted as saying "if you can't see god in all, you can't see god at all." Sounds true to me, but it also sounds like a life of constant work. Most think of it as once you get enlightened or "get it," get the divine connection to our physicality, then the work is done. Not so, the work is never done as long as you are physical.

I imagine its why some yogis are known for just deciding their time is up and sitting down and leaving the body, which then passes on once it is no longer needed as housing for the spirit. They felt their message was spread as well as could be or they had taught as many as could hear them and they were no longer of use, so they left to continue their work in a non-physical form.

I like the idea of that. I have felt many times that I was uninspired at the time and how to get reinspired so that I could feel it necessary to keep teaching. Partly this is why I have sought out the teaching within the Kundalini Yoga tradition as taught by Yogi Bhajan. They connect me more to my spirit than any other thing I've ever found. Anusara comes close, but Anusara still feels too physically oriented to me. The philosophic teachings I've learned from John Friend, or Desiree or Douglas Brooks are amazing and I love and embrace them as my own but the breathwork and physical movements taught to me by thru my Kundalini practices complete make me know there is a spirit living in me and it is vital and wants to spread love and peace and joy, like nothing I've ever wanted before.

When you can feel as fucking awesome as I've been feeling lately, from a few moments of action and breath and from observing thought patterns and not allowing them to reach into that dark place they once felt so at home in, then you want to share it. Share it with anyone who will listen or try it or anyone who asks.

It also makes me want to embrace all forms of spiritual practice, whether I agree they feel spiritual or not, someone does and thats okay. Their connection is their connection and mine is mine, if they come to me for advice on how to connect I can show them my ideas of it, otherwise they follow their own path. Which is a new idea for me, once thinking the only way to find that yoking, or yoga, is the way I thought. So it may be a work in progress but it is one I'm now letting in. Let go and let god they say, right? lol

May the longtime sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on. Sat Nam!!!

chakras . . .

So, I'm having lots of trouble around my throat chakra. My sinuses have been draining intensely for over a week, but mostly manifesting in my throat, causing my voice to be hoarse, froggy or completely gone! (Some would not think this a bad think, lol).

So, I've done lots of kundalini, which has freed up my sinuses, cleared out and cloggy nose stuff. I've done some asana, which I do with ujjayi breath and that clears me out a lot too, maybe moreso than the shallow nostril breathing used in kundalini. And I've looked into myself a lot to see why on earth I may be manifesting this.

Kundalini yoga looks at the arms as an extension of the heart chakra and we've done lots of arms in class lately, and consequentely my heart has opened up a lot, but its tightened my shoulders, traps mostly and created a lot of heat in that area, and the throat stuff. SO that bumps into the throat chakra, which is looked on (when there is a problem in that area) as being someone not connecting their heart chakra to their throat chakra, thereby not speaking from their heart or not speaking their truth. I do think I am guilty of this. Most wouldn't believe it because I'm so bluntly honest most of the time, but that blunt honesty can also be a defense mechanism!

So my truth is changing and I'm not knowing where it is right now, so it seems hard to connect to that and speak it, you know? So I'm embracing the not knowing, the not having my finger completely on what destination to which I'm headed. Or at least I'm trying to embrace that! lol.

Abraham, whose teachings I've been completely working into my life (www.abraham-hicks.com) says that every cell in our body is a chakra. The heavy level of cells it takes to make up a gland in our systems just makes those areas more intense and heavy energetically, and therefor the Eastern focus on those areas. So maybe I need to not focus so much on just the throat or thyroid and parathyroid glands, maybe I just need to focus on liberating each cell, on its own and think of the space between them, which when you look at cells from a quantum perspective there are millions of miles between each one, even in the clustered areas such as our glands and organs. Think of it freeing up on a subatomic level, make each and every cell feel the energy travelling through it and around it.

Kundalini yoga works on your body on a cellular level, changing it as you pass thru a tough challenge, works on your third chakra (solar plexus), your commitment or willpower chakra. Strengthens it and opens it up. That area used to be my biggest problem and as I stick with it, I'm moving past it as a problem and thru the Anusara and kundalini yogas have opened up my heart chakra and now have moved up to the throat. And through figuring my truth out will also move past that area and free up everything and make myself a conduit for truth and energy in all its forms, and hopefully be able to use that to help all my students do the same for themselves.

I've done one kundalini class this morning and I think I'll go to the other one tonight at 5:30, in hopes that I am digging deeper into my issues and freeing them up via physical bodywork and energetic work and letting go of them. Letting go really is the key! When I was on Maui in 2002 studying ashtanga with one of the first Americans to learn the system from Guruji, K. Pattabhi Jois; Nancy Gilgoff, a girl staying with her, Betsy I believe, said to me just let go and love--thats all you need to know, just let go and let love come thru. Letting go, quit holding on to anything, to whatever we cling to to trick ourselves into believing makes us feel better, really is the key to freedom. Freedom in our bodies, freedom in our lives, freedom in our minds, freedom in our relationships, to others, to god, to the world, to whatever. Let go and let god as they say . . .

Sat Nam