Well, I finally gave in and went to a doctor, he prescribed me half Ayurvedic stuff and a couple allopathic things. Both are working great and the pain is going away and the bumps as well. This is great.
It's odd the things you think of when you feel so bad for so long. This started in the third week of November in Goa while I was practicing there. The thoughts of death were abundant, not that I wanted to kill myself but to be so miserable and not know why or seem to have control over it makes one think of being dead instead often.
Now, if you know me or have read my writings for a long time then you realise that I believe we all create our reality. So why am I not addressing that? I am now. I was creating this as my reality, the whole time. I know it. It started when I had some low finances in the summer and I started thinking that I'd been making less money, and the stress started from there.
In fact the doctor said he thought all the skin problems were from the sun but triggered by the amount of stress I had put on myself. I was leaving Germany and worrying about making money, and almost no other thoughts were in my mind. I'm broke, I'm broke, I'm broke... and so it went.
Before I always trusted and had faith that the universe, that god or goddess, or whatever you'd like to call it, would provide. I just knew I'd be alright, and so I was. So when I changed that conversation to exclude finances it shifted, and in a direction that I didn't want and that was not welcome, but I was in the state of being that I couldn't create it in a different way. My mind was already on the downward spiral. A very dark one at that.
Anyhow, so let me shift it to the point of writing this. Now that I'm feeling better, albeit that I'm taking something to help that along. I have gained enough space to shift my perspective and feel more confident that things will work out, that they are working out.
The other morning I was driving the scooter toward the city and was getting irritated with the traffic. If you know anything about Karnataka you know they like to drive on the wrong side of the road and move around you in ways that are far closer to you than are allowed in other countries, even in other areas of India. So you have to chill out about it, or get frustrated. I realised I was feeling this way and was able to stop myself and say no. Now this alone was a clue that I was feeling better, before I was happy to feel like crap, even though I didn't want to, I had gotten used to it over the past months. So I decided to notice that beautiful trees, and the flowers in bloom here when at this time of the year everywhere else is winter, no flowers. Then I felt oh, I'm in India driving around. I wanted to live in India, now I do. I love how warm and welcoming the people in Karnataka are, so maybe its okay they drive like shit because its a trade off.
Okay, I was starting to feel better. It was working, so I did some more and it kept getting better. It was nice, it is nice. It's good to feel better. It's all mind work.
Yoga also is all mind work you know? Yes it is, even the sutras say so in the oft quoted second sutra. We have to use the asana and the pranayama to become more aware of how we are feeling so that eventually we train ourselves to notice and be abel to catch when we're going there, to the place we don't want to be, and can shift our perspective in a new direction.
Now sometimes we just need to sink into the depths, it's the only way we can figure it out. Maybe this was it for me this time, I was in the depths of despair. Technically I'm not out of the water yet either. I am still broke, I have absolutely no jobs lined up and the one I was relying on in Mumbai for the next two months just fell through. This alone could make me go back down that dark path, and yet I feel deep appreciation for where I am.
I am still in love with India and being here, I would prefer to make it work it and not leave for Europe or the U.S. to make a living, but I've also embraced that maybe it's just the path of least resistance to go to one and make money for a while. There's nothing wrong with money, it's an energy flow that is prevalent on this planet right now, so therefor required.
I think I've thought about being a monk for so long where no possessions, no sex, no money, none of these things are required and so I'd convinced myself money is bad. It's not, I know this, I've had it and I've not had it. I can make it in very small amounts right now with my temple tours, but it's not enough to be able to do anything with other than eat off of, put gas in the scooter, but it's still enough for now. If I have to leave India, which I will soon, or if I wanted to move around the country a bit while I'm here, I just cannot do these things. So I could feel stuck. But I'm not, I'm just feeling that the flow is starting to happen again.
Getting back into my flow is what needs to happen. It's what is happening and if I can stay out of my own way it will come to full fruition and I'll get a job, make some money and be able to stay in the flow. Why on earth did I let money take me out of my flow anyway?!? I don't think it could have only been that, there was resistance in some other way, I'm just not so interested in figuring out what it is, or was. Seems like it could drag me back down again if I do, so I won't.
I'm feeling better and I'm going to keep cultivating things that keep this trend going. Not being around so many people, only those that I'm close with and love dearly. Even noticing things on social media that pull me out of my flow I'm going to try to avoid, or see them and then move on. Not follow their lead.
It's all a choice, we have them even if we don't think we do. Which road to choose and then be aware that maybe you need to shift again, one choice is not the only choice, you can choose to change it again if you realise it's still not the right one. Keep that in mind, and I will too...
