The Call...

When I was young and being raised in a Baptist church there was often talk of so and so being called to the pulpit, that the Lord had called these mens hearts to become a preacher.

I was just rereading some chapters in Offering Flowers, Feeding Skulls where it talks about all sorts of Kali worship in Bengal, India. In it she talks about it being a calling and how that calling doesn't happen terribly often with Westerners and so those who have been called are fairly well known in certain circles.

Because I have shunned my upbringing for so long I never associate any terms from that time period to things nowadays. So I had never thought that my heart had a calling to worship Maa. A calling was something that only Christians adhered to, while at the same time I'll often tell folks that you don't have a choice to choose Kali Ma as your Ishta Devata, she pulls you in. Which is exactly what a calling is!

So now for the first time ever I'm finding common ground within my current Shakta Tantrik worship of Kali and my past being raised in a Christian environment (and no, I was never baptised so have never technically been a Christian even though all my Indian friends assume that I am because I'm a Westerner and we all are...) and that is something the is very supported in the Maa worshipping circles, complete non-dualism. There is not to be any difference between one deity and another, and yourself or anything on the planet, or not on the planet. All is Maa and so all is to be treated as well as you would treat her.

This is nice to finally have had one of these aha moments, even if it is over some simple wording. Once something clicks, it clicks and its nice that it did so. I'm tired of hating things from my past, they are part of me and how I am who I am now.

It also has made me more excited for when I return to India and I'll finally be taking a trip around Bengal to see Kali Ma in Kolkata at the Kalighat temple, to see her at Dakshineswar where Ramakrishna lived and took care of her, back to see her at Kamakhya which is one of my favourite places in the world, I'd also like to tack on Varanasi and The Himalayas to the end of this trip if time allows because I"ll be heading back to live with my guru at a certain point, which I am also excited for.

I don't have many insights to write about or more to say here, I just had a small aha moment and wanted it recorded for posterity, so there it is! lol, I've been called to be a Minister of Maa!

Arizona...

It's been quite a while since I wrote on here, I'm not sure why but I started writing on Facebook, had great responses and discussions so kept going with that. Now that they closed my old account and those threads are no longer available to me I remembered I have a blog that I can also write on, I know, I know, I'm ditsy.

Arizona has proven to be a great thing and exactly what I needed, other than my body hating the level of dryness that exists here. I'm used to so much humidity in the midwest and in India. But I've got some great students who are Ayurvedic practitioners who are taking care of me with oils and advice that are helping so far.

I keep sitting down to write, either here or on Facebook, and nothing comes out, or it starts and I get away from the flow which then fucks it all up and I start typing about the weather or bitching about something. I am not here to bitch. I know I bitch a lot, but its about time I started focusing on where I want to be rather than where I think I am.

I am never in as bad a place as I make it seem, or seem to tell myself it is. I have done this almost my whole life and keep thinking I've gotten over it and no longer do this, but I do and I'm seeing it finally, so no more if I can help it. And I can! Nobody else can.

Teaching has been great, I've even been able to get up and do my practice almost every day so far before teaching, that is something I had been having trouble with. But here I'm mostly alone so have no distractions to keep me from doing what I feel like doing to support my life and my teaching, and teaching Ashtanga is why I'm here so it needs to be my main focus. I have most of each day free to focus on other things as well, so it's all good.

I've spent a lot of time reading tantras and other cultural studies about places in India that interest me, this is something I have a hard time doing when I'm in Mysore. I know too many people there and socialise a lot more so when I sit down to read I feel distracted and can't focus on the material, here I seem to have no problem with that.

Being alone a lot has been odd because I used to relish in my time to myself, but I guess since I spent so much time in India the last year I've gotten used to being around people almost all the time, so I've felt a bit lonely. I'm not lonely, I'm just fine as usual, it's just a story I told myself I guess and now I have to write a new one! So I'm working on that. Now that I finally have a new laptop and some good Microsoft programs and a lot of extra storage space maybe I can really start to work on my writing in the way those psychics, astrologers and friends have told me I need to, in book form. Hmmm, a novel idea!

The more I read about Kamakhya the more anxious I am to get back there, and from what I hear now it used to be even more esoteric than it still seems to me now. But since the government took over regulating it the hours changed and most of the rituals are less dramatic than that used to be, including that they used to be in the middle of the night sometimes. So amazing, but even so the energy there is something I can never explain fully to others as well as being a force to be wreckoned with.

I'm also chanting a new mantra in the mornings that I learned from the Kamakhya Tantra, its long and its powerful, I'm loving it and seeing how its making me feel has been interesting. I'm focusing more and more on Kali Ma being Kamakhya as it states in that Tantra, it also names that Durga is the same as well, and if you really just get down to it all is Maa, especially the Devi versions of the Gods, they are all her and that is why Kamakhya is depicted with so many different heads and different skin tones on each head to show that she is manifested as all version of the Goddess you can think of. So powerful!

Finding this more full version of non-duality has been the most fulfilling thing to me, something I got a taste of at the Kamakhya temple, but also from my guru near Mysore who built a Pratyangira temple there. Another esoteric version of Mac that many have never heard of, but she is also from the Sri Vidya kula side of things, and is worshipped in his home state as a version of Bhadrakali, so still supporting the oneness of it all.

I love this stuff, I love all of it, I love all of you for being so supportive in all my ups and downs and crazy tangents I get off on in my writing, but most of all because you are me, and I am you, and if you can't love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? To quote my favourite drag queen...

India...

Mother India, or Bharat as she's more commonly called over time by her own people. Or Hindustan by the Muslim population. First entered my life in the mid 80's via the tv show That's Incredible, when a yogi curled himself up in a box on national tv and stayed in there the whole show, coming out easily and without any issues at the end, then I wanted to know who he was and where he was from.

Then it creeped back in in the late 90's when I read Shirley Maclaine's book that I'd purchased in the mid 80's, not sure why I didn't read them back then... But she practiced yoga and yoga came from India, so my mind wandered. I had only a few years before had a guy I was dating try to get me to come to his yoga class and for some reason that did NOT make me think about India, lol, again, not sure why.

Now I've been coming here for almost 6 years and studying her philosophies for the last 19 years, the gods, Sanskrit, the scriptures. But only been coming for almost 6 years, 14 years after I finally started practicing yoga in fact, odd...

I've had many experiences, written about them here on my blog and on my Facebook page many, many times. so they are not the point of this treatise. The point is, well, maybe I don't know. Or maybe it's that I'm about to leave India for a good long while, longer than I have in the last so many years and my experiences here are in the forefront of my mind.

Lately the experiences I've had here have been more intense, more full, more evolutionary.

This round I've been here since last November, and by the time I leave next month it will be ten months in a row. Two in Goa and the rest here in Mysore with the occasional trip around.

In February in particular I went to Kamakhya, in the state of Assam, and that trip changed everything for me. It made me more interested in real tantra, the path, not the perceived notions that the Americans have of it. But the real path of it. Finding a real lineage and studying under it, so I have been. That also I'm not here to discuss.

Some years back my friend gave me a card he'd discovered at a famous south Indian temple, Meenakshi, of the Goddess Prathyangira. I'd never heard of her. Most people haven't heard of her, she's a tantric Devi who covers two sides of the spectrum. Most are either on the Vishnu or the Shiva side, but she transcends them both and is a large part of the Shakta path. So covers all the bases.

A great Goddess with a male lion head, a female human body who rides a male lion and has several of the navagraha as her accoutrements, including Rahu and Ketu who are often thought of in a malefic way. But her, not to her, they are her earrings hahaha...

Some interest was drawn up on this one, not often I'd never heard of a deity and knew nothing about them, nor could find an awful lot of information out there. In searching I found one temple in Tamil Nadu, with a 30 foot statue of her at its entrance, but never did anything about it. So this time in Mysore met a girl who's mother worships her, then we chatted, found out said temple was only just under 4 hours away and decided to take a day trip to see it, and feel her energy.

We did, and it was intense and we all had odd things happen to us after the temple experience, even the driver. So left it alone, then I'm at a local Bhairavi temple I just started reoccasioning and at the door noticed a flyer ad for a local Pratyangira temple having full moon ceremonies. Took a pic of it, forgot about it again and then remembered it one day, seemingly randomly, although not so, and googled it. Found out it was only 25 minutes away out in the country.

One day my friend Ross and I went to see it and found it to have a very strong energy and being in the jungle was also surrounded by that lovely natural energy as well. We were invited to their full moon ceremony that was to be in just two days, so I went back with two other friends, Ross wasn't able to make it back unfortunately.

I just came from there again and it was very powerful, a good friend even notes each time that I go that I'm calmer and more fun. I feel a strong attraction to the guruji there as well, he's an interesting guy who has lived quite a life and we agree on many things. So I also believe his energy and holding of the space to be a very powerful experience for me at this time too. I'm enjoying this.

The point of me writing this is that India, over time, although she affected me instantaneously, has now been affecting me more deeply in a cumulative way. The power here is very palpable and in its weight has been drawing my awareness to a deeper and deeper place. Waking me up also in more varied ways than ever. I suspect it will even more before I leave in the next month.

I look forward to leaving and seeing if I'm able to maintain this level of awareness, openness, love, peace and energy while I'm gone. I know it is possible, and in this time left here will attempt to learn how to make it a possibility that it stays with me. This I want to bring to all my interactions with myself and with others. I want this to lead me through to the next stage of life and to be where I come from in all occasions, in all relationships.

I love you Maa, thank you and may you always be with me so that you may always be with everyone I come into contact with and embellish our interactions to a divine level.

Namaste...

Shifts...

Lots of good going on lately, not only good, but making peace with whatever comes up has been very possible for me lately, so mostly it all seems like good. Much is coming from each thing, growth comes in all ways even ways we can't expect or are able to put words to. These shifts have been more subtle for me lately, but none the less profound.

Yesterday we went to Nanjangud to the Srikanteshwara temple there, a Shiva temple. It also houses Vishnu, Lakshmi, Saraswathi, Parvati, and many others including a third son of Shiva that I've never heard of before. It's a 40 minute drive there after eating breakfast, but we'd done the drive a couple weeks back on the full moon and it was so crowded we couldn't even go inside the temple, so toured around the grounds, worshipping at a Hanuman area, a naga area, some trees, the Ganesh temple. It was nice, but we all felt a need to go back to be inside, so it was nice and it was empty probably because today was the new moon and today would be busy there. Had a profound and deep calming experience, even on the drive back and the rest of the day.

Then this morning went up Chamundi Hill which seemed deserted, but once we got there the free line was exponentially long. So we went and purchased tickets to walk in the front door and did, then we saw that it was all backed up. It was earlier than I usually arrive there, being a new moon (amavasya called in Sanskrit) there took a bit longer to allow devotees into the inner sanctum, so we waited. Then once they began letting us in, damn, I've never encounter such a push in my life. There were hands in my armpits, cocks pressing against my ass, boobs pushing into my sides and back, someone was even holding my hand part of the time so they didn't fall over which also helped me not to fall over. Insane, BUT an experience one can only have here in India and one that I will cherish and tell stories about for a long time. Once inside we were shoved through quickly and didn't have much darshan, but it was still profound in its own way.

There is the Mahabaleshwar temple up there as well, going inside there was deep and calming, then we went down the backside of the hill to the Jwalamukhi Tripura Sundari temple in Uttarahalli, only one of its kind in India from what Google says. It was busier than last week, but so nice and fulfilling. She's meant to be Chamundis sister, some call her Kali, as she sucked up all the blood as Chamunda was killing the demons, which is Kali in the stories. She's a powerful energy in her temple, and I'm glad I finally went after avoiding it for 2 years.

Upon finding out that I'll be leaving India for an indefinite period of time, going to Tucson in October to begin Mysore program there, I realised how much I'll miss all these things that are peculiar to India only, and so am embracing going to temples even more than I already have. In fact I've found myself going to record numbers of them each morning and night, absorbing all the energy and experience that I can, so I can stock it up and take it with me when I leave. It's been great and I am loving it.

I seem to be just writing what my day consisted of, so I'll stop now and let you move on about your day, enjoy my friends!

Avengers Assemble...

I had to be at the movie theatre much earlier than most people think of even going outside their home. The movie was at 7:50am and was sold out on the day the tickets went on sale here in Mysore, Monday, and then I found this one seat at that time this morning. Not that I'm complaining...

This movie was the culmination of 21 other movies that came before it; 3 Thor movies, 3 Avengers, 3 Iron Man, 2 Ant Man, 3 Captain America, 2 Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor Strange, Captain Marvel, Spider Man, Hulk and Black Panther, 1 each. And in my opinion if you didn't see all of them you will miss something in this latest film, Endgame. There are references to almost every one of the previous films in this one humongous blockbuster of a movie.

I started reading comics in 1975 when my grandpa bought me a Spider Woman for $.35 because as he was walking around Farm Fresh getting stuff I was looking at it, so he got it for me. That hooked me.

I had always been interested in the stories and mythologies of other cultures since I had seen my first Jason and the Argonauts movie on Saturday afternoon, and then found out that there used to be full belief in all these gods and witches and creatures, then I found my moms encyclopedia set and googled and wrote and read about all these things, Greek Mythology, Norse tales, Egyptian gods, all of it, except anything to do with Hindu worship of gods. That was never included anywhere, and now that I think about that it was odd and I have no understanding why it wouldn't have been, hmmmm...

The one thing I hated about our culture was the emphasis on the mundaneness of it all, there was God, his son who died for our sins, and his mother who was a virgin at the time of conception. But otherwise there was nothing interesting in it at all, following all these strict, ridiculous rules set out thousands of years beforehand that had nothing to do with life as we were living it at that time. So, hence the comic books became my mythos, and my reality for a very long time.

I wasn't prejudiced between DC and Marvel, if the storyline included people with powers, mostly I loved the occult characters who had taught themselves magic, or the people who were born with their abilities, but I never judged the others either if they were interesting and part of an interesting storyline.

I remember my first Avengers comic was one with hundreds of people in the lineup of the super group and the government had declared it was unmanageable and was to be taken down to only 7 people. I didn't like the 7 they chose, well some I did, but most were the boring characters, but that didn't stop me from reading it. Especially when I found out Thor was one of them and I had learned all about him in my earlier studies of Norse mythology, not that the Marvel Thor is anything like the mythological Thor, although in this new movie he is more like the original than ever before.

Anyhow, I think young people need stories to inspire them, to keep them going, and the comics were just that for me. The bible stories I was forced to read never did much for me, and really for as much as folks in the US worry about the crap their kids watch or read, they are some of the most corrupt stories I've ever encountered. But I'm not here to bash on Christianity, you can always hear me do that in person if you truly want...

As I was sitting and watching the film this morning I realised it was covering every emotion, I cried of happiness, of sadness, of shock, I laughed, I burst out with clapping and everyone around me was hollering. But the biggest thing I felt and I haven't felt in some time was hope. Hope was a surprise to me, at one certain point in the film I actually noticed I was feeling this. I'm not going to spoil the film for you so I won't tell the scene, but I noticed after the movie that I was drawn back to this feeling again the most. Because I had not felt it in such a long time.

Now even though it was sparked by a fictional story does that mean my body/mind didn't recognize that strong emotion as my own? I don't think so, I believe it totally felt it was mine and mine alone, after all the mind can't tell whether you're thinking of a thing or actually doing it because it creates the same hormone release, the same psychological effects, everything, even if you're just thinking about something.

It felt good and so I'm going to go about finding hope on a daily basis, I need it. Feeling hopeless and at the mercy of the universe the past few months is not serving me, never did, and I never allowed this complacency before so why am I starting now?

What gives you hope? What turns your crank? What stories inspire you and keep you going? What is your thing?!?

I'm almost there...

So, I know I've been whining a lot about being broke, about wanting to teach and needing a place to do so. About how everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Until last night where a new low was hit. Or was it?

I am sleeping on two small pads that for some reason they call mattresses here, they are not mattresses compared to what the western mind things of them as, they are just pads, maybe an inch thick, hence why I sleep on two, and filled with stuffing and have a flannel look to them. I cover them with a sheet and cover me with another sheet. I'm not complaining about this just iterating for the western readers, this is not a bed as you all will think of it. It is however how many, many Indians sleep. I'm fine with it and sleep fairly well.

So, I'm sleeping on the floor. Lying in bed watching a video I downloaded and then all of a sudden feel water on the marble floor under my fingers, then listened and realised I heard water pouring from somewhere. So I looked up, nothing, building here are pretty water tight. It was pouring in from under my door and at the foot of my bed there stood about 3 inches of water in the whole corner. I guess that's a lower corner because it wasn't at the head of my bed or to the left of me at all.

I open the door to find that one guy who lives upstairs was squeegeeing the water as it was running down the stairs further down the stairs to the lower level and then into the drain. So I borrowed it and did the same from my room, only to find that about 5 of my books had soaked up a lot of water and some pages of mantra I'm using for a sadhana, my floor mats, my bed, sheets, etc, had all soaked up a lot of water.

Anyhow, we worked, got the water out, dried up the rest with a towel, changed out my sleeping pads, or one of them anyway, for a drier one, although the stored ones had gotten a bit wet as well, and pulled out a couple lungis to cover up with and slept. Yes, this all happened at 10pm when I'm usually asleep already, was heading there which is why I was in bed watching the video.

This morning I hung the stuff out in the sun and air to dry and moved on with my day. But I awoke to a message from a friend saying something about the astrology of what is going on, and it was in response to my desperate why can't anything go right in my life type message. He mentioned that what is going on with the planets right now is a time to dig in deep and look for the spiritual side of each thing, not to jump into your old pattern, which is exactly what I did.

Now, after 19 years of serious spiritual practice and 20 years of half assed practice of some sort before that, you'd think I wouldn't automatically fall back into my old patterns by now, but here I am, woe is me, I'm a victim, blah, blah, blah...

But today I feel better and am looking at the spiritual side of it, is there any other side? All is spirit in my viewpoint anyway, so how can it be?

And if, as they believe in Shakta circles as in Kamakhya culture, all is she, all is a manifestation of the goddess, then there is no separation. This morning after seeing my friends message and realizing my need to stay out of my old patterns I felt better, did some yoga, ate breakfast, then drove up Chamundi Hill to visit the goddess.

There was no traffic, there was no line even to wait to get inside. It was earlier than I'm usually there. It was nice. It was meant to happen and now I feel a nice energy that is more balanced than I was last night. So I need to stop being so hard on myself and falling into the old victim mode, no I know better and can be more aware and catch myself more quickly before I go there. And if I go there I can be more available for forgiveness and allowing myself to have been where I was and be okay with it, and move forward.

Forward is the motion we want, it can be slow, and even delayed, but slowly allowing the stream to take us along. An older analogy Abraham used to use was the stream. Nothing we want is upstream, so we have to take our oars out of the water trying to go upstream so hard, it never works. Take them out and allow, slowly, the movement of the water to turn your boat around an take you with it downstream.

All the work you've done on yourself, all the stuff you've put out to the universe that you want, all the energy expended to create the reality you want, are downstream, not upstream. And don't get aggressive and turn the boat around with the oars and paddle your way down, it's got to happen when your energy is lined up for it, not before. So just allow the water to flow you in the direction it's going. Nice thought huh? The work has been done already, just let yourself move towards it...

Temples...

It's Saturday morning in India, and on Saturdays I have a few temples I often go to that are specific for the deitites to be worshipped on this day, that's another story.

This morning however I felt drawn to go to the Chandramouleshwara Swamy temple, a local Shiva temple. I typically go there on Mondays since that's the particular day he's worshipped, or when I'm pulled there by a feeling. Today was one such day.

As I was standing inside waiting for them to unveil the lingam, they'd done abishekam and were dressing it up after with flowers and sandalwood and such, I all of a sudden remembered my first time inside that temple.

I had been to one temple already, the Ganesh temple right in the middle of Gokulam, and had seen this one many times on trips to Loyal World but was too nervous to go inside. Also I could never find it open, but finally I found out they open in the morning and the evening only, to close from 12 till 6. They allow the deity to sleep after giving darshan all morning long, then wake them back up to give more in the evening.

So one day I and Jørn, whom I refer to as my baby brother, made it in the morning around 9am. Can't remember for sure but I think it's my third trip here. and when they unveil the lingam all flowered and gussied up they ring bells, pound drums and chant a lot. It's quite an amazing vibration they create, so whenever I can I still try to go during this time.

Then I began to remember my first trip to the Ganesh temple, then many other temples around town. Was I drawn to go there just to stir up these memories today? Saturday is ruled by Saturn, or Shani Dev as the deity is known, and he is the deliverer of your karma. I had already been to his temple this morning but was I remembering the temples, or the people, specifically my baby brother? Is this part of my karma, something I'm supposed to be doing or picking up on involving either him or these specific temples? Things here in India are always this way, often mean multiple things and you never understand why until the time is ripe for it.

It was nice to remember Jørn, I got to spend a lot of time with him in January and February when I arrived here, but now everyone is gone mostly. Everyone Western person that is, mostly, there are a few left besides myself. So maybe that's why I'm thinking of those who are close to my heart.

But if it's the temples I'm being triggered to remember, what for? I am a temple whore I often say. Because of the energy in them, it is palpable in most places, especially those frequented by a lot of people daily. I am drawn to certain energies and so go to the ones that pull me in, otherwise I don't go to them very often. In fact yesterday I was pulled to go up Chamundi Hill to the Chamundeshwari temple up there, knowing it was a full moon and it would likely be packed, and it was. Even the line you pay 100 rupees to get into, which is often empty, was over 50 feet long outside the door of the mandir! The other lines were beyond the length that I had the stamina to stand in. So I went into the Mahabaleshwar temple behind it, a Shiva temple, which also houses a small Chamundi mandir in the back, so I still was in her presence in some ways.

The big temple is thought by some to be a Shakti Peeth, but is not on the official list, so there is a debate whether it's actually one or not. The energy in there is strong, but not at all healing and opening, and deep like the Kamakhya mandir in Assam that I was privileged to go to in late February. So I'm not sure if I feel it is one or not, but either way it's th closest thing I have to that type of energy here in Mysore, so I enjoy it.

I often go to temples alone or with very specific people who believe, or who are sensitive to the energy as well. Otherwise it's very hard to do because those people take form the experience. So now I often go alone, and prefer that. I prefer to do most things alone because at least then I have some semblance of control over my experience, although that is also not guaranteed. No one knows what the gods have in store for us haha...

Anyhow, not much more to write. I'm just thinking today, wondering. And these things popped up in my morning excursions, so I'm sharing. What is next for me? Where is next? Am I not getting out of my own way enough to allow the next experience in? Who will be involved? Who knows?!? This stall pattern has got to release soon, and this morning I felt like that is starting to become a reality, so let's see...

Sadhana...

More and more I've been seeing people posting videos or pics of them doing asanas, well this in and of itself is not new but read on, and talking about doing their sadhana. This has been bugging me lately.

I already get frustrated with people who call themselves yoga teachers but only teach asana, and in reality have no clue what yoga really means so should technically call themselves asana teachers.

Now, both are possible. You can be practicing your asanas and it be a sadhana, and someone can be teaching you asanas and it be yoga. But it doesn't seem so likely so often as they claim it.

Am I just being judgmental? Maybe I am, but I don't think so. I just have had some experiences and with the context of them realised that asana is not necessarily sadhana or yoga, even though it can be. It's mostly up to you and your intention behind why you're doing it at the moment you are engaged in them. But most often when you read about sadhana in the scriptures they are talking about japa, or other chanting of some sort, visualisation sometimes, always with deep intention and strong focus of whatever your goal is from the practice, if you have a goal.

Often in the scriptures they mention your focus being on your chosen deity, and realising that you and she/he are one and that would be the goal. To feel that deity, their energy, their ideals, even their emotions, within you deeply and allow that to almost possess you. That is only one way of it, it can be that you can stay neutral within any situation, or controlling the mind when certain things come up. There are plenty of things one can focus on during their "practice" which can include your asanas, but also and more likely be so much more.

I use a neti pot, oil pull, do my asana practice, shower (all recommended cleansing practices to prepare one for their real sadhana) and then come back and do pooja with deep intention (of what is my business, these things are actually meant to be kept secret) including chanting different mantras and lighting incense or doop to cleanse the air and invite spirit in, and visualizations, etc. All part of a prescribed practice aimed at inviting Kali Ma into ones life, body, their very existence really. It's good, and I probably told a bit too much about it, but that's often what I do, over share lol.

Anyhow, think about your sadhana if you have one. What is it? What does it mean to you? How are you "doing" it? Is it deep, do you feel things from it during and after its completed? Or is it completed ever? I was taught it should be all day long, being aware of things, etc. and bringing that to the fore in your life.

What do you think? What do you feel? Are you performing sadhana, or not?

Anxiety...

anxiety /aŋˈzʌɪəti/ noun 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. "he felt a surge of anxiety" synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation, uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, perturbation, fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves, edginess, tension, tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation, foreboding, suspense; More

This is the google version of the meaning of this word. This word that has become too much a part of my life lately.

I'm not sure why either. I've always been someone who could take a deep breath and then allow myself to relax into the moment and feel okay, even when I smoked which sped up my heartbeat. But recently when I was sick in Goa the thing that I've always been able to do left me, somehow.

Now even this morning as I was practicing, I'd slept later and was going through the sequence at a much later time than I am used to (but I have no schedule right now so any time is fine) I found myself being upset about it, and then anxious, oh no I have to hurry up and be finished so I can, so I can, so I can what? You will eat breakfast whenever you're finished, it doesn't have to happen at 8am. You will go about the things in your day, of which right now there are none, at your own pace and there is no time constraints on this.

So when and how did it grab a hold of me?!? Or should I not try to figure that out and move on to how to allow it to leave me again?

The first time I felt a release from it is when I was in Assam and then when I was back I still felt good but now a month later it might even be worse than normal. And I hate to think it all has happened around money. Money is the only problem I'm having right now but before I never worried about money too much and it always appeared when I needed it, now that doesn't seem to be the case.

I was recently reading some of my old blog posts, even just from last year, which then made me look at some of my old Facebook posts. So deep, well written, I was completely in the deep end of it all. Then I look at them now and it's like some adolescent has taken me over, who is this?!? Why on earth would this happen? I'm a deep person usually so I'm just not sure. I'm confused. I've lost a lot of self confidence, for which I usually have an overabundance of. Good lord...

I was told I need to surrender completely to the flow of life that I somehow got out of and then I'll feel lost and open but it will come back to me, this flow, when I allow it to. So that is my work right now. In my practices, in my mind, in my life.

Devotion...

What on earth is devotion, and why does it have a place in my life?

There's been a lot of talk of devotion, or bhakti, this week in conversations I've had with my friends here in Mysore. Most of whom are leaving today for their homes, but that's neither here nor there.

That's gotten me thinking a lot about devotion and what it means to me. Most seem to think it has something to do with god, and maybe it does but maybe it means more and or less to you, or to me.

I think it depends not he situation. For me, when I'm chanting I feel it the most, especially if it's a mantra invoking the divine. It's to me all about feeling with the body what is coming up. Feeling, not thinking about the things that come up, but looking at them and then back to feeling the sensations in the body. Often thinking of things that make me feel love and good, like my time at Kamakhya, or my time in temples, or times in my life where I've done deep study on the goddess and how it made me feel. Not only that, but so much more also.

If I'm chatting with you, about whatever we're talking about, then I'm often completely devoted to that conversation. That is devotion also, to me, to be fully present in the moment as we are creating it. Now, I'm not always like this, but often, more often, I am.

Also in the listening. Not just sitting there waiting for your turn to talk, but listening and hearing, feeling what that person is talking to you about, what they are saying to you, what they want you to hear. Not just what you're trying to get across.

I'm even like this with shows, if I'm watching something on Netflix I'm fully immersed in it. So, in some terms, devoted to it.

Food, I'm terribly devoted to eating and enjoying it fully. Even if I don't like it that much, I know what it's doing for me physically and am grateful for that, so I'm still devoted to it. Then I also know not to order it again next time hahaha!

In tantrik devi worship terms they might say this devotion comes easy to me because I recognize that the goddess is manifested in everything, and since I"m so devoted to the goddess I can find it easy to find that devotion towards all these things I've listed. Maybe this is so, most likely this is so and I'm okay with that because in this path I'm on seeing everything as a manifestation of Maa is the point.

There are many ways to find devotion in our lives but we have to figure out what we care about, what makes us feel things, cultivating feeling energy in ourselves, in others, around us, in the places we frequent and learning which energy serves us, which doesn't and again cultivating that awareness into a state of creation so we're being in and around the things and people that feed us and that we feed and less around those things that don't.

What makes you feel? Are you aware of what you feel and when? In your body, not just thinking in your mind?

What is going on...?

I'm not quite sure myself.

This week I'm having absolutely no interest in practicing. I am doing a little bit, and it feels good and my mind feels clear and open, my back aches because it likes to have my full practice since that's what it's used to but all in all, I'm good with not wanting to practice.

I'm sleeping well, waking up when the alarm goes off and then falling back asleep until much later than I'm used to sleeping, although probably a more "normal" time for the rest of the world. And then not wanting to do anything, other than my chanting and pooja and showering, etc. But each day I'm doing a little bit of asana, yesterday I didn't but Sunday and today I did. So I'll work on tomorrow getting up and going for it again, or I'll just embrace that this is where I am this week and see how tomorrow goes from that perspective.

I get into mental spaces of worrying about money since I have none coming in, then that gets old so I find a way to feel good again. I get into spaces of wanting to stay in and read and not be around almost anyone else, then I get out to eat and realise oh, I'm okay with people, sometimes. I've got no teaching gigs coming up at all which should worry me but I'm not letting it. I'm also always been drawn to being a sadhu and at this time in life, when I have less than ever, including work obligations, might be the best time to chuck all my stuff and just go become one. I also keep being drawn to going back to Kamakhya and being there for a good long time and learn the traditions surrounding the path there, alternating between living there and in the Himalayas near Uttarkashi.

So, why not go and do that? I think I'm still attached to being in the world. I do enjoy it, as much as I love being on my own, I love teaching and sharing this practice with people and making a living and having a mysterious life to others who wonder what else I do besides these asanas. And they do wonder, I get asked a lot and I share a bit but a lot of what I do in my sadhana is secret and not to be shared.

So, what to do? Why not go for it and leave this public life? Why not find some teaching and still have a private life of deep sadhana but while living in the world? Why do anything? Maybe I just sit back and see what the universe brings to me? Hmmmm... Maybe, let's see.

I do like not having a set schedule, but I also do enjoy the fulfilment of having some work to do. Is it possible to have both of these things? Is it possible to not overthink everything and just go with the flow? Yes, I know it is, often I can get in the space to do just that, but right now I'm thinking a lot. So, how to get back to just flowing and not thinking about why the flow isn't happening? Just do it, right? Ok, here I go, just do it...

Frustration...

This post is hopefully going to be short and not so sweet. I don't want to allow myself to stay in this vibration too long but I feel a need to get the frustration out. Maybe typing it alone will be enough and I won't have to post it, that would be delightful.

I'm feeling all the things that one feels when they are full of energy and yet has nowhere to direct said energy, then after a bit of time a big block forms which then manifests frustration. This is what I'm feeling.After finally figuring out how to heal all that physical stuff that was plaguing me, but was completely all from my mind in the form of stress, I now am ready to do something. But after 3 months of illness I'd not lined up any teaching gigs for myself and so here I am with nothing to do right now.

Thank god that at least I'm here in Mysore and can do my temple tours, they are doing very well, and the people are really enjoying them and often coming to multiple ones to learn more each time. That is fulfilling because I love sharing the stories and the energy in the temples and the people have been grateful because now they know what to do inside and how things work in general. So, some fulfilment is there.

And while teaching 6 days a week early morning can be tiring, it can be fulfilling too because you see progress in the people who come often more quickly and that is wonderful. Especially to see them have their own aha moment, that I love and reminds you why you teach... but then we come back to being frustrated because I'm not teaching right now nor can I find any teaching that is needed right now.

Then we come to another point, that I really want to settle down and teach somewhere for a good long time. In one place, grow a community, enjoy the location (wherever it may be), get to know the students, etc. That is really fulfilling.

Right now though I think I need to go to the U.S. and get financially stable, completely clear headed and healthy and then go from there. Maybe not the U.S. but its easier for me to work there and live anywhere I want. Although I prefer to stay in India getting a work visa and all that is not easy and the same for Europe, unless someone from Europe is willing to start the process for you, and I love Europe.

Anyhow, I'm excited and happy to get something going. Therein lies the stuff coming up. I'm frustrated, angry and irrational, which some would say I always am, but I usually don't feel this way inside. So when I'm noticing it from myself that means it's even worse lol.

Maybe not, I still feel mostly okay. And I do have a sense of faith that all of it will work out well and soon. My astrologer says not until April, or mid-April, then the big job that will buy the plane ticket will happen, so let's see.

Can you see? I'm conflicted, dichotomous and just plaine contradicting myself? This is what I"m dealing with right now.

So mostly I'm staying in the house, reading and not hanging out too much. Although yesterday I hung out and was feeling better, so maybe that's the key, goddess, who knows?!? hahahahaha...

I just need to chill and enjoy and have faith and it will all take care of itself. Ok, finished...

Kamakhya...

What the hell is Kamakhya you might ask? Many will know, but surprisingly even many of the Indians down here in the south don't know what it is. They are more strict Hindus, not the Tantrik types that embrace a more open stance on things down here. More uptight? Maybe but just different is what I'd say.

There is a story of Shiva and his first wife Sati, who's father did not approve of her marriage to Shiva since he wasn't a proper god, he hung out with everyone, ghouls goblins, non-Brahmins and such. My kind of guy, not judgmental lol. So he did not invite his own daughter and her spouse to a homa he was doing, she found out and found out why and so went there and basically immolated herself, burned herself alive, in retribution. So Shiva feels this, rushes there and takes her dead body over his shoulder and as he mourned pounced around the north for thousands of years. He was not doing his duty at this time of destroying things when it was needed and so Vishnu decided to help rid him of this burden and slowly began chopping pieces of her body off, a bit at a time, so that one would fall one place, one would fall another and eventually Shiva was alone again. What he did then is for another tale, but in each place where one of her body parts fell was erected a temple to a version of the goddess embodied by whatever part fell there. These temples are called Shakti peeths, or peetham. An area where great power of the goddess is housed.

So in the area then called Kamarupa is where her Yoni fell. If you don't know the word yoni please just google it. The yoni being the seat of creation and power for Shakti, both physically and energetically. And this area is called Kamakhya, in the state of Assam, in the beautiful, rolling Nilachal hills. Amazing place, you have to go.

I've been interested in the goddess for many years and when you read anything about her you will eventually run across the name Kamakhya somewhere. So I did, about 5 times before I looked it up, did a little research and found all the above out.

Ok, so why does a gay man want to go to a yoni? Not the right question. Being gay has nothing to do with anything, the goddess chose me to be her disciple, I did not choose, so I go where she calls me. I planned twice to go before but never went through with it finding excuses. This time one of the students here who went on all of my Devi temple tours was interested and she gets it, has the right energy to go, so we went together and damn, it was the right choice.

We arrived Thursday night last week and immediately met with a priest of the order that began here, Kula Marga Tantra. He and his wife are lovely people and are trying to preserve all information about the goddesses worshipped here, all Sanskrit texts around these things and more. They told us some things then sent us up to our hotel which is right next to the main temple itself. So we walk up and see the area, omg, so beautiful. Then the stairs start, even more beautiful. We pass a Kali Mandir, my ishta devata! So stopped, then a Tara Peeth, then passed the main temple, stopped were awestruck by the energy and the feelings coming up from this place.

We eventually pulled ourselves away, decided to unload our stuff at the hotel then go right back to the temple and check it out. We were there an hour. Not inside, that was closed, but the outside and all the people worshipping, sitting and chanting, doing parikrama around the building, etc. It was just amazing. But the most important thing was the energy, I can still feel it in me and I've been back two days now.

We eventually went back, showered and went to sleep. We'd been travelling all day long, but the energy didn't allow too much sleep for me anyway.

Next day we had breakfast, got ready, walked around, then decided, oh we have to go inside. The line starts at 5:30am but the doors open at 7am, so you can imagine the size of the line that was already there. Luckily there is a pay line that is shorter, and when I say shorter it still took us 2 hours to go through. The other line is kilometres long and takes hours upon hours after they close it to get everyone through.

So we waited for about 5 minutes before they opened our gate and we started the journey. So once you finally get inside the gate there is a a winding line through a room, which happens a few more times. Each time you move closer to the yoni you feel like you are moving deeper into the womb to be birthed. It's very dark and very packed with people, but full of so much energy that you don't know if you can handle it. So you take a deep breath and relax your muscles, allowing it to move through you. Once you finally get to the stairs to move down right to the yoni, and the spring that is perpetually pouring over it you can feel all emotions, all sensations, in the body, it's quite overwhelming and without my yoga practice don't know if I would have been able to handle it. But I did and allowing it to wash through me created some transformation, and that is what I cannot explain here, or in words just yet.

After you come out there is three times to walk around the temple and then we were in such a daze that I don't even know what we did. I do remember that much of the rest of the day we spent visiting the other ten temples in and around the compound. They are for the Ten Mahavidyas, all fierce versions of the goddess for which there are many different stories out there of how they came into being. But they are all very powerful places in their own right. We went to the last two the next morning because they are a bit further away and so we took a cab.

Most of the rest of that day is a blur, and the next day also. We shopped a little bit, but mostly ate, and visited temples. Eating lunch at the Chinnamasta is a treat, amazing food, do this if you can if you ever visit.

Anyhow, I can't say a whole lot more. To see pics or videos check out my Instagram or Facebook, there are tons, but they don't do the place justice. It is just so gorgeous there. I will go back, and am now thinking about checking with the hotel if they have a conference room where I could take some Ashtanga practitioners, have a space for morning practice, guide them around a little but but mostly allow them to just experience the place and the temple while facilitating the practice for them.

I cannot imagine not going back to this place, it is in my soul now. It will be there forever, but to visit and see what experience She brings to me each time I go will be interesting, and now will be a part of my future, and is a part of me in the present.

Appreciation...

Well, I finally gave in and went to a doctor, he prescribed me half Ayurvedic stuff and a couple allopathic things. Both are working great and the pain is going away and the bumps as well. This is great.

It's odd the things you think of when you feel so bad for so long. This started in the third week of November in Goa while I was practicing there. The thoughts of death were abundant, not that I wanted to kill myself but to be so miserable and not know why or seem to have control over it makes one think of being dead instead often.

Now, if you know me or have read my writings for a long time then you realise that I believe we all create our reality. So why am I not addressing that? I am now. I was creating this as my reality, the whole time. I know it. It started when I had some low finances in the summer and I started thinking that I'd been making less money, and the stress started from there.

In fact the doctor said he thought all the skin problems were from the sun but triggered by the amount of stress I had put on myself. I was leaving Germany and worrying about making money, and almost no other thoughts were in my mind. I'm broke, I'm broke, I'm broke... and so it went.

Before I always trusted and had faith that the universe, that god or goddess, or whatever you'd like to call it, would provide. I just knew I'd be alright, and so I was. So when I changed that conversation to exclude finances it shifted, and in a direction that I didn't want and that was not welcome, but I was in the state of being that I couldn't create it in a different way. My mind was already on the downward spiral. A very dark one at that.

Anyhow, so let me shift it to the point of writing this. Now that I'm feeling better, albeit that I'm taking something to help that along. I have gained enough space to shift my perspective and feel more confident that things will work out, that they are working out.

The other morning I was driving the scooter toward the city and was getting irritated with the traffic. If you know anything about Karnataka you know they like to drive on the wrong side of the road and move around you in ways that are far closer to you than are allowed in other countries, even in other areas of India. So you have to chill out about it, or get frustrated. I realised I was feeling this way and was able to stop myself and say no. Now this alone was a clue that I was feeling better, before I was happy to feel like crap, even though I didn't want to, I had gotten used to it over the past months. So I decided to notice that beautiful trees, and the flowers in bloom here when at this time of the year everywhere else is winter, no flowers. Then I felt oh, I'm in India driving around. I wanted to live in India, now I do. I love how warm and welcoming the people in Karnataka are, so maybe its okay they drive like shit because its a trade off.

Okay, I was starting to feel better. It was working, so I did some more and it kept getting better. It was nice, it is nice. It's good to feel better. It's all mind work.

Yoga also is all mind work you know? Yes it is, even the sutras say so in the oft quoted second sutra. We have to use the asana and the pranayama to become more aware of how we are feeling so that eventually we train ourselves to notice and be abel to catch when we're going there, to the place we don't want to be, and can shift our perspective in a new direction.

Now sometimes we just need to sink into the depths, it's the only way we can figure it out. Maybe this was it for me this time, I was in the depths of despair. Technically I'm not out of the water yet either. I am still broke, I have absolutely no jobs lined up and the one I was relying on in Mumbai for the next two months just fell through. This alone could make me go back down that dark path, and yet I feel deep appreciation for where I am.

I am still in love with India and being here, I would prefer to make it work it and not leave for Europe or the U.S. to make a living, but I've also embraced that maybe it's just the path of least resistance to go to one and make money for a while. There's nothing wrong with money, it's an energy flow that is prevalent on this planet right now, so therefor required.

I think I've thought about being a monk for so long where no possessions, no sex, no money, none of these things are required and so I'd convinced myself money is bad. It's not, I know this, I've had it and I've not had it. I can make it in very small amounts right now with my temple tours, but it's not enough to be able to do anything with other than eat off of, put gas in the scooter, but it's still enough for now. If I have to leave India, which I will soon, or if I wanted to move around the country a bit while I'm here, I just cannot do these things. So I could feel stuck. But I'm not, I'm just feeling that the flow is starting to happen again.

Getting back into my flow is what needs to happen. It's what is happening and if I can stay out of my own way it will come to full fruition and I'll get a job, make some money and be able to stay in the flow. Why on earth did I let money take me out of my flow anyway?!? I don't think it could have only been that, there was resistance in some other way, I'm just not so interested in figuring out what it is, or was. Seems like it could drag me back down again if I do, so I won't.

I'm feeling better and I'm going to keep cultivating things that keep this trend going. Not being around so many people, only those that I'm close with and love dearly. Even noticing things on social media that pull me out of my flow I'm going to try to avoid, or see them and then move on. Not follow their lead.

It's all a choice, we have them even if we don't think we do. Which road to choose and then be aware that maybe you need to shift again, one choice is not the only choice, you can choose to change it again if you realise it's still not the right one. Keep that in mind, and I will too...

Truth..

The first truth is that it has been a very long time since I wrote, this I just realised. I was wondering why I was being so thinky lately and it's because I'm not getting the stuff out of my head. Not that that is always needed but often it helps me in the processing of emotions and such, so I woke up this morning with a strong urge to write, and here I go...

Second truth is that it has been a while since I feel good enough to write anything. I was in a very negative space and so writing would have been a lot of the same, just ask anyone who was around me at the time. Most of what I was talking about was how bad I felt and how awful life was, or is. Now I'm feeling better finally and able to turn things around to a view that aligns more with where I have been in my life before this time.

More truths are coming, just not going to count them all down lol.

I think it started in the U.S. last year, in May. When I was at the place I called home for about 5 weeks. I enjoyed my family and seeing my students and friends, but the biggest thing was all my old patterns were there as well. And it seemed they were waiting for me to pick them right back up, one of them being my negative ways of thinking. It was just a seed, but it was enough to start building something from and over the next months when I went to Germany it propagated itself, then in Mysore it kept going, then when I arrived in Goa it just took full blossom.

In Goa to study with my favourite teacher outside of Sharath I could not get my mind out of the worst feeling place I may ever have been in in my life. So it slowly manifested in my body, a wrist, then both elbows, then some arthritis like symptoms in my hands and forearms, then my back, then this liver detox happened, now most is gone or going away but my shin bones are in full pain almost constantly, then randomly not anymore.

I basically felt like I was dying most of the time in Morjim, and was trying to keep my head above water. Then I left to Purple Valley to assist Harmony and slowly got better there. The food is high quality and I was assisting so wasn't able to sit in my head for long periods of time and make things worse, thank god. Finally during those two weeks I could see a bit of light from behind the clouds.

When I went back to Morjim I immediately began to feel worse again, so maybe it's the energy of the place there, not sure. It could also have been that I just remembered how bad I felt while I was there. So after some trouble trying to leave, a story for another time, I finally was able to procure a bus ticket to Mysore.

Now I'm in Mysore, my practice has slowly built back up with no pain during it. I am flat broke but able to make a few rupees here and there leading people to some temples and a good friend is letting me stay in a room in a building of his for free. So I'm doing better and each day seems to get better even.

I even lined up a teaching gig in Mumbai for two months at this new place that was being kicked off by Kino and Tim with a weekend of workshops. That was a space being rented in a Sindhi temple and some of the trustees of the temple are now opposing the program to happen there, so it's not going to happen at the scheduled start time, possibly later but not now.

Now, I am ready to teach, I love it, it's part of my path, but I also am ready to have an income. My income the last 6 months in Germany sucked more than any I've had in my life. So it's not just about me feeling better now and following my path, it's about me being able to eat and pay rent.

I know it seems like I'm just bitching and moaning still, but really this is all about that even though all these things have been happening I still feel okay. I still feel it will all work out and that as one obstacle has snuck it, a solution came not far behind, so too this problem with the income I know will be okay.

It's just a matter of faith. Faith which is something I've based my whole life on, but got so far away from these past three months that I'm finding it hard to make my way back to it, but damn it I am. I'm not sugar coating anything, I'm embracing what comes, but I really feel okay and at peace.

Is this the next level of yoga? I've always strived toward equanimity, is this what it feels like? To feel almost well and at peace in even the most exaggerated circumstances? If so I'll take it, it's not a bad place to be...