Time...

I wish I could say I can't believe that 2017 is over, but I can. It seemed like the longest year I've ever lived, and certainly was one of the most different years I've ever lived. I say it seemed because I don't believe time really exists, you can say "oh, this day went so fast..." or "went so slow..." but no, it didn't. It's only your perception of it that makes it seem that way. So time as we think of it is really a relative term.

Even the concept of a year, or of a day, is a man made thing. And is perceived differently in different cultures, some are on 2017 going on 2018, some are in the 5 thousands, some more, some less. And even the new year starts at different times for each place around the planet. If time existed in the way that most of us think it does there would be one time and you would have to adapt to how different it was wherever you went, but it would be the same time no matter what.

This year did seem to go slow for me. I had a lot more free time than I've ever had before, and by that I don't mean I had nothing to do but I spent a lot more time soul searching and working less that I have in years past.

I was in India a lot more this year than usual, and at very different times than usual. I also did not return to the US as was normal for me in between India trips, which has proved to be just fine but always allowed for a reset. The problem is that the reset was always backwards, to a place that I had already been inside. And to not go back there allowed for forward growth without the falling back part that often happens, you know two steps forward, one step back.

Why do I say that? Because as I would go back to the midwest I often fell back into old patterns that were not longer serving me, and even when there I would be conscious that I was doing so but didn't really have any context to not go back there, because there you were a certain way. Ideally this wouldn't be the case, you could grow, change and become more and maintain that wherever and whenever you were. Easier said than done.

Now I'm noticing that I feel like I've integrated more and more of the stuff that I've been working on for years. Where before it would get thrown out the window or lessened in some way because the old pattern was like, oh, wait, this is my spot. Who is this guy? And why does he deserve to be here more than me? I earned this spot!

So it's been good. Even though much of the year seemed full of hardship, the things I learned and was able to integrate have been wonderful. I was able to deepen many friendships that I'd begun in Mysore by being there all summer and not being in the student mode. Just being in the life mode. I also was able to be in one city in Germany and go back again and deepen the relationships I'd started there, and now in another city in Germany and beginning a whole process of connection with a different student base.

But the biggest connection that happened this year was with myself. I found out more and more about what others think of me, and realized that was far from what I thought of myself. I experience me from the inside all day long every day, but to hear how an "outside" source feels and its better then your "inside" source, hmmmm. And if the outside source is really a mirroring of the way you actually feel, then that would determine to me that there is a bit of resistance still within that needs integration.

So many posts I wrote on my Ashtanga Yoga with Sat Inder page on Facebook utilised the word integration these past two weeks, and here it has already popped up twice. So maybe there is a theme here that I need to explore more. Not really explore, but implore? Is that the right word? Probably not, but you get what I mean? I mean I think I've done all the work to integrate but maybe I'm not actually allowing integration to happen. And it's not something one can force, it's something one has to allow to happen, with consciousness.

So my work in this upcoming new year, which is actually just another sun/moon cycle, or a day as you'd call it, is to allow more integration. Integration of what? Integration of the concepts I've come across, of the inner work I've done, of the outer perspective I've cultivated, of the emotional outcomes of things, of the inner emotions that are not quite all worked through just yet, of all of it.

Yoga mean union, union with the divine it is often translated as actually. But union to me means all is one, all is swirling, floating, flowing around each other seemingly until it becomes one. Like mixing ingredients, the dry and the wet, until they all become something in the middle. Batter if you will. Integration of all the aspects of self that have been made conscious slowly over these past 18 years, and some years before that of waking up to those ideas even so that a process could even start to unfold.

Let it all come together to make a new batter, or an old batter, or if time really doesn't exist just batter. A batter that can be folded into a new form as needed, to a new shape as needed. Things added to create a new flavour as needed. Some removed and more water added to allow for a smoother, runnier consistency. Some more dry ingredients added to make for a thicker, and more formable consistency. Whatever you want. You create it. And you create it in each moment so it will be changing, becoming something new, something other than it was before, or something more close to what it used to be if needed, there is no limit. Well, there is a limit. The one you create.

Sometimes we need limits, they help us. Guidelines if you will. Sometimes we need to be completely free and allowed to flow. I'm feeling a lot of the limits I've set for myself these past few years, and feeling the need to allow them to dissipate. Or to again use this word, to integrate them and realise they aren't needed anymore, or right now. And if I need them I can again set them in place, and if not, I can allow the flow to happen.

It can change and move and be something different all the time, and this is okay. Coming to allow the knowledge to become the wisdom that this is okay is integration. I won't always stay integrated, but maybe now, for just a moment, I am nearest to it than I have been in a while. Or not. Who knows. Not me. Do you?

2017... part two, Uttarkashi...

I'm not sure where I left off in part one, but I think it was around Uttarkashi? I just looked and can't remember. But my heart wants to write about Uttarkashi so I shall.

When we got there I immediately thought, god, what did Sharath love about this town? It's a shit hole! Then we got to our room, which was again a chore to get to, then to find out there was again no hot water and there was a big hole in the wall where the mosquitoes just came right in. So I took a breath and allowed my inner feelings to come up and then blocked the hole and made the best of it as one does in India.

When there you have to embrace it, or you will go nuts and want to leave, so I embraced. Then we went out for a walk and bought some data for my phone since absolutely nowhere in this mountain town seemed to have wifi.

We found out there was a Kashi Vishwanath temple there too, the most famous of which is in Varanasi but is also full of the longest lines and the rudest people begging for money, but for even more money if they don't like the amount you've given them. So I was not excited to discover this temple here, but once we started walking I realised okay, this town is different. There is less people. There is no honking. WTF?!? NO honking!!! I almost got ecstatic lol. But yes, no honking, or only every so often.

Less people equals less traffic, so not often did you hear a honk. So we were walking and decided to just wing it and led ourselves right to this temple, went through the entranceway and wow, nice.

In the front of the main temple was also what they call a Shakti Temple, shakti being another word for the energy of the universe, the power behind everything, also the divine feminine energy. And we go inside, there is a 15 foot high trishul in the middle made of three kinds of metal. This trishul was the one gifted to Durga to do her battle with different demons whenever she is called upon, and it was magnificent. The story being she was here in this area sitting and a demon was coming upon her and she threw the trishul at it and it stuck there and has been there since. Which sounds fanatastical and amazing, and it is to see as well.

The priest here put the kum kum on our foreheads for us, also put rice on the spot as well, then blessed us with a splash of water and gave us tirtha to imbibe. Then we sat down and just felt the energy in the room, very, very awesome. We sat for quite some time and then decided to get up and go into the main Kashi temple and did. It was awesome, and the lingam in the middle had emerged from the rock on it's own, wasn't forged by human hands. And here in the north you can touch it! This was new to me, in the south they are so respectful and full of devotion, touching it would almost be anethema. Although my ekamukhi rudraksha touched the lingam at the Chandramouleshawara Swamy Shiva temple in Mysore to get blessed...

So, we went through, the priest talked in English to me about the lingam, most here don't speak English so it was a surprise. He also asked me where I'm from and was excited to hear about it, but also asked me again every time I came in the temple! hahahaha. Anyhow, then we went outside and sat there for a long time, watching the crowd and how devoted they were and that they never once looked at me, the only foreigner there, oddly. Which I enjoyed.

On the walk back home Sammi told me he'd done research and found out there was a Kali temple somewhere here and after my Kali experience in Varanasi I was eager to find it. So I googled and found a video of the temple but found out it was inside an ashram to Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma and we looked the next morning but couldn't find it, so went back to the other temple. Then later in the day when we went out for lunch we just decided to walk randomly and happened upon this red building that was round, and then more and more of it, it was big with a fence around it. Then walked by the gate and the door behind the gate was open and there was Hindi on the wall.

I read the script, which is the same for Sanskrit, but I usually didn't know the Hindi words. But this time I read the Sri Sri Anandamayi Maa Ashram and Kali Mandiram. What?!? We just found the place. So two days in a row we found these temples we wanted to find but only by our instincts, by our hearts, not by our thinking too much about them.

Then a swamy from inside came to the gate, spoke Hindi to us which Sammi translated as he was wanting us to come in and see, but at this time of the day most temples were closed as they allowed the deity to rest and regain their energy so they could give more darshan again that night. But he opened the temple for us, and opened the meditation room and showed us all around the ashram. It was quaint, lovely, had a beautiful inner courtyard garden and just the feel of a very soft, full of light, and energetic place. But so calm. So we went inside the temple, and once we got in, we sat down and boom... That quiet, empty mind happened to me again. Same as the last Kali in Varanasi. We sat, we sat, we sat. I saw Sammi had his eyes closed but I couldn't close mine, they could only stare at her, she was black, and all accents were red, even red lighting shined down on her. I was captivated.

Once I decided to get up and go out, I circumambulated the inner sanctum, a regular occurrence in South India, but here is done but done less so, I bowed and touched my head offering it to her and felt the most inner peace I'd felt ever. We also went upstairs to the meditation hall which had a wall size picture of Anandamayi Maa and it was similar energy only I didn't go blank, then we went down to sit in the courtyard realising we'd been in the temple for an hour.

Sammi looked at me and said, did that happen to you again? That thing from last time? I said yes, he admitted it also happened to him. On our slow walk home we got some snacks and talked about how we wanted to go back again and experiment with this, and so we did. We often went in the morning and in the afternoon again, and the swamy started making us stay for lunch and chai after our morning visit because we were there for so long. We'd sit on the floor in the kitchen and eat with the other monks and volunteers and just be in heaven. Even one of the monks suggested that I should teach the yoga there in Uttarkashi itself, it was where it was needed for the pilgrims coming through and those who were getting ready to start coming more often. He knew the climate of tourism there is getting ready to change. This we told him, was exactly what Sharath had told me to do as well.

Anyhow, important to note is that during my time in Varanasi I'd gotten a parasite and remained quite weak and sickly feeling after, even though I'd gotten medication and rid myself of it. While Sammi stayed strong and happy and hearty. Then in Rishikesh I started to feel better and enjoyed the time more and he was feeling more subdued. Then in Uttarkashi I began to beam and glow, he'd stop me daily and tell me man this place is for you, you're so happy and your skin is clear and the glow is coming from inside. I even shaved my head there as an offering to Kali Maa and to devote myself to her purpose on the earth, Sammi didn't do that but he did shave off his beard which was getting quite long. I'd already done that with mine in Varanasi, mostly because it was so fucking hot there lol.

But we explored many little corners of this town and found little pathways up into the foothills and behind power plants where young couples hid themselves so no one knew they were flirting. We found little streams that led into the Bhagirathi, which is the river that comes down from the the Gangotri that eventually meets with three other rivers to become the Ganga. The little stream I fell in love with so much was amazing and called the Indrarathi, my name Sat Inder, sat for truth and inder as a derivation of Indra, so this little stream was for me!

When the time came to leave it was hard again but not just because of the 6 hour ride on the bus where the girl in front was vomiting out the window, the bus leaning over the side of the mountain road quite often, but because I'd fallen in love a little bit, or a lot, with this little town and it had allowed my inner being to be brought forth in a different way than ever before. It also allowed me to experience the energy of Anandamayi Maa and Kali Maa and realise that my life purpose was to propagate these things within myself and others. The Ashtanga Yoga being only one way that is possible, but through stories and living a certain way, with heart. And bringing heart to everything we do, including the practice, but if there is not practice to bring it anyway in a different form maybe. But it also inspired me to find Kali in all places and in all things and corners of the world, which led my friend in Mysore to show me this little family owned Kali temple and to discovering the Sri Ramakrishna Ashram in Mysore also had a Kali and I could be reminded externally daily of this devotion to her cause if I failed to maintain my inner awareness of this and of it being my calling in life.

So, I'm tired of typing. This will have to be part two and I'll continue another day. Merry Christmas!

2017...part one

I keep thinking I'll write a retrospective of this year, as many do near the end of each year, but it's really not me. I sat down and tried three times now. I start, I feel great like there's momentum and then boom, i couldn't care less and delete the post. I have to feel inspired to write, I'm not one of those people who can force it. If I do you will know, it won't be at all what my writing is usually like.

So I decided today to write the year as the heading but to see what comes out. There is a lot floating around in my mind that would like to get out and yet I've been unable to write, it just won't come to the surface. Or it is at the surface and it won't formulate into anything coherent, I blame the weather here for it. I'm lacking terribly in inspiration as it's been grey, overcast, raining or snowing, and did I mention completely no sunlight? At all, for weeks on end now!

I have spent the past four winters in India and grown accustomed to what they call winter, which is not at all what most of the world calls winter lol. And it is glorious. It really is maybe the best weather Mysore can ever have during these months of the year, and I'm missing it. I used to deal with this type weather back in the Midwest also and it would always get to me, it's a big part of why I left there.

I began this year in Mysore as well, even though I was finished with my three months practicing with Sharath, had gotten authorised and was just staying that extra month until I left January 27th to teach yoga in Köln, Germany. I enjoyed that month because I was able to practice at home and still hang out with many friends who were there still practicing the rest of the day, or visit my temples and interact with my local friends. But when I arrived in Germany I found this same type of weather and had to fight the mood shifts for a couple months, after March it started to get more tolerable and the sun started showing itself and then I really enjoyed it.

Living in Germany for four months was an experience. I've never had any desire to visit Germany, I think mostly because I'd studied French in school and so the romance languages are easier to pick up for me, German is not so easy. But after creating a nice connection with most of the students there, and dated some, and made some other friends outside of the shala I really liked being here. Other than the person I was covering for ending our friendship and having issues with me and the way I handled some things I would say that it was a positive experience.

Then upon my return to India, which I now consider home, I was going to a whole new area that I'd always wanted to visit but never had. Varanasi, and it was a tough place to be for me. I imagine even in the nicest weather it would be tough to be there, but at that time it was generally 45-47 degrees each day and that is just too fucking hot for me, even though I do like the warmth. But I did have some interesting and quite amazing experiences there, one with Kali and the other in meeting and traveling with someone that I'd only ever talked to online and never met in person before. But most of the stuff I've written about already so I don't feel like any detail is needed here.

Other than to write about Muthu Swamy, or as his Facebook account calls him, Sammi. He'd been my teachers sisters student in Bangalore for some months and had reached out to me thinking since I'd been practicing much longer he could ask some things and we did have a great connection. So when I returned and went to Varanasi he met me there, as he'd left his job and was planning to become a yogi and was traveling around to different auspicious locations already.

Meeting him I immediately felt comfortable and like I'd just reunited with my brother, so we did fine living together. From Varanasi we went to Rishikesh, where he'd already been staying for three months in an ashram there, but I'd never been. The train ride from Varanasi to Haridwar was 19 hours, but ended up being 24 hours and was a chore, but I met some lovely people in the AC coach, Sammi got stuck in the Indian coach with no AC and didn't have as good a time as I did I think lol. But I also had a hard time with the sitting and the laying for so long. Then there was an hour ride to Rishikesh itself, and then another very long walk from where they drop you to the bridge and over it to the guest house we'd booked already. It was a chore to get there, much like everything in India tends to be but maybe because of this is why we love it so much more once we get past that part of it.

Rishikesh is an interesting place, I met many very lovely local people but there is so much commercialism around the "yoga" there that it makes me think a strong Mysore style Ashtanga program is needed to get people knowing the difference, but that's just me being judgmental! I liked it and had a great experience bathing in Ma Ganga each day, walking about the beach in the evening, seeing or hearing the aarti at dusk, eating the food, enjoying the sun and just being near the river. I was surprised how drawn I was, or I am, to that river. You hear stories but until you experience it you don't realise how powerful she is.

Then when we decided to finally get to Uttarkashi, again it was the biggest chore. We didn't think we wanted to stay in Rishikesh so long and I'd decided to go to Mysore for Guru Purnima which was July 9th, I talked Sammi into going as well since he'd never been and we bought flights through this app that sold them really cheap. The flights were from Dehradun to Bangalore and then I'd booked my usual cab from Ganesh in Gokulam to get there from the airport, but we had quite some time before that happened, and so we went to the jeep stand, not the bus stand but near to it (and yes they are separate things even though most locals will tell you they are not!), and had to wait until there were enough people to fill up a jeep who were all going to Uttarkashi, and we went. The jeep ride is 6 fucking hours, and Sammi and I were squished into one seat together, and we're both full grown men so it was not comfortable, but it was beautiful and the one stop we made for lunch was a gorgeous little place with good homemade food. Then to the town, and again the tough time we had getting to the room we'd already booked.

This is the worst part of India, the traveling, it's never easy for us Westerners because we're so spoiled with our airports and everything being very scheduled and organised and clean and much different. But again I think because of this part is why the arrival and settling in to a new place is so nice.

We were there and much stuff I could write about there but I think I'll take a break and go have lunch and maybe finish a bit later, so this will be part one...

Uncomfortable...

How can one get comfortable with being uncomfortable?!? Somehow I've done it.

Any time in my life I've noticed that I'm feeling complacent and that I'm not growing, or even a little stifled in my growth I often notice that I've settled into a very comfortable place and sometimes I just allow myself to be there. There's nothing wrong with comfort. But comfort also can mean that the energy is stagnant and energy is meant to move, when it's not moving that is when disease and melancholy set in.

Oddly enough though I seem to be getting used to being uncomfortable so that presents a new set of problems. Maybe then staying long enough to allow comfort to come into play is the way to go? If comfort becomes uncomfortable then maybe that's what to do, embrace it and allow it in so that you can see that it's quite okay too.

I seem to be in a period of growth, and I am comfortable here even though I don't speak the language and the winter is here. I think I tend to think of India as my place that I grow in, but growth happens wherever you tend the roots properly. So here it goes.

I'm in a new place with my practice, this summer it went over the top with ease and now that ease has lessened a little bit, not gotten hard again, but just with the different diet here and the colder weather it gets more uncomfortable again so I have to adjust my approach to it, and I am. But now I'm embracing it more fully and still able to do the full practice more often than I would have in the winters before, I often lost much of my practice back in the US during this time of year. I'm grateful for this summer in Mysore where I got to a new level of embracing doing my practice daily, maybe every so often having a day where it was shorter but that's okay. I hate to be dogmatic about anything, so I have to not let myself get that way too, the other extreme.

I used to be so hard on myself if I didn't do my full practice daily that I just wasn't going to get enlightened and blah, blah, blah... So now at 47 I embrace taking a shorter practice every so often, or even an extra day off. What's funny is that as soon as I stopped judging myself for this I then find myself practicing fully almost every day. Odd things our human minds are...

Also there is all this stuff going on within the Ashtanga online community around Pattabhi giving inappropriate adjustments and all these older students are coming out saying it. And so I've not been commenting, and not commenting is harder for me that speaking my mind. It's very uncomfortable to not do so for me, but who am I to judge these women and their experiences, or perceptions of what happened? I had my experience with Guruji and can't imagine, but I also had a moola bandha adjustment from him that helped to change my practice, and can see that that sort of adjustment to the western mind would be inappropriate but again, I don't know their experience so am staying back from any input my mind could add.

Then there's the blogs I've written lately that are causing a bit of a stir and I've gotten lots of support and messages from people about it. And the point of writing them was that I was letting go of it, so I've ended up talking about all this stuff far more than I wanted to, because I'd already worked past things. So here, see? I said I'm too comfortable with being uncomfortable and now I'm talking about it more so that discomfort will still be there. Hahahaha, god we humans are a mess aren't we?!?

I'm happy, that is what's important to me. I have a decent place to stay, I love the students and they challenge me daily, they accept when I challenge them daily which I also love, Star Wars' next instalment comes out Friday so I've got tickets to see it three times this weekend (yes, that's actually less than I normally see it at opening), I'm making connections to people here, students and others, and really to me connection is the number one thing.

Connection within is of utmost importance in my daily life. That sustains me and helps me stay my gregarious self while still being loving and seeing all things in all people as parts of me to be integrated. But also connection with those outside myself, or rather as being perceived as being outside myself, is important to me. If I'm finding this it tells me that my inner alignment is going well also, and I'm finding this here a lot. Great, deep, connections with quite a few people here.

With the end of the year coming up people are starting to write their end of the year manifestos talking about how the year changed them, or was awful, or was wonderful, and maybe a post like that is coming soon from me, but for now I'll consider only now. And now I'm good, feeling happy, feeling fulfilled (which is probably the least held in high regard, but is the most important of emotions) and feeling like I'm getting to share all this stuff I've been working on for so long and finally am finding an audience for it that it resonates with. So these last two months in Germany have been great, and oddly enough I've spent 6 months of this year in Germany, and 6 months in India, wow. Odd to think of this. I can't wait to get back to India of course, but I'm also not so unhappy being here where I am, and that is a nice feeling.

But good, and when its all good what more can you want in your life? You can want it to be great, but if you leave room for the darker stuff also that needs to be embraced and allow for the better feelings to emerge, good is a good place to be.

When your guru blocks you on social media...

I wasn't going to write about this, but I decided after two weeks to go ahead. I'm not one to shy away from things.

So a few weeks back Sharath shared a photo of him in a one handed handstand against the wall, I shared this as well on Instagram and Facebook. I saw a guy comment about him using the wall but then didn't see any more about it but heard that Sharath responded to him and a bit of an argument happened, again, I didn't see this but I heard about it. After that his original post got taken down.

After that someone commented on mine about the situation that had happened on his. No big deal.

But a couple weeks after that I can't locate his account, it often was the first one I saw in my feed in the mornings, and would often share the stuff he posted. I am a big proponent of his after all. So I assumed the incident had caused him to close his account, but then a few days later saw others sharing posts from his page that I'd not seen before and so did some asking around and had people forward me screen shots of his account, which was still open and had new posts. So immediately I freaked out that I'd done something wrong and was whining, Amy, my dear friend who is in Mysore right now happened to receive all this from me hahaha, sorry Amy.

I got up and practiced and felt better after that, but it still bothered me. Now I've practiced with the intention of letting go of things for the past week and I completely forgot about it until someone just asked me about a new post he'd put up, and oddly enough it didn't bother me. So I feel like I've done the work properly!

Anyhow, should it bother me that a man I am deeply devoted to, and who is my connection to the lineage of my chosen path and profession in life, not to mention is my connection to Guruji whom I loved dearly, has blocked me? I mean I've had many conversations with him, I feel a strong kinship and bond with him, so whatever his reasoning, should it bother me? I've spent a lot of time and money investing in the practice under his tutelage and have learned a lot, from the practice and him, and still have memories of Guruji that I learn from. He usually talks badly about social media and so we were all surprised when he opened an account anyway. Hmmmm...

I don't know, I still feel deeply connected to him and that he will be my teacher still in the future and I still feel strongly for the Ashtanga Yoga and Mysore. So I guess I'm okay?

How can that be. I've been such a fucked up mess for so long that finally all this work I've done is kicking in?!? hahahaha, that's how it feels, but then I also don't want to get too big for my britches and cocky about it. Although it is nice to notice some things are bothering you less, and/or for lesser amounts of time than they used to. I'm feeling good.

The students here are great and I'm settling in nicely, now the rest of the day and tomorrow is off, so time to go revel in that. See you soon!

Germany...

Starting my second month in Germany, but in a whole different city than I began it in. This one is very different than the last mostly because I'd spent 4 months earlier in the year teaching in the last one and familiarizing myself with how to get around. This one has been different to get around in, but on my fifth full day here I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

One thing that runs in my family is a good sense of direction and once I go someplace I almost never forget how to get back there, or to reverse it and get back wherever I came from.

The differences are very interesting to take note of, as I was talking about them this morning over breakfast they are still in my mind so I'll mention a few.

At the last place the students are very different. I won't say they're lazy, but they are used to being able to take it more easy and not pushed so much, so when I would push some didn't really like it, but other did and grew from it. This new place is used to having an authorised teacher there at all times, which gives a bigger sense of discipline because we go to Mysore and are trained in a certain way and deliver the teachings that same way, usually.

I've noticed a lot of interpretation in the teachings from the last two teachers who were here, I'm not trying to change any of the students a lot but I was held back for a long time and found a lot of benefit in it, so giving postures when someone can't do the one before is not how I like to do it, so a few I've stopped and explained why, offered that they can go on if they feel led to but that the benefits would be bigger if they stopped there for the time being and allowed their bodies to open up.

It feels good here, as it did in the last place, but just a different vibration.

Many, many friends are in Mysore right now practicing with Sharath and are posting lots of pics and videos and comments on Facebook and Instagram and as unaffected as I can be about that stuff I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me a little bit. Especially since I was living there all summer and none of them were there and I was craving their company.

I'm good, and I'm happy to be where I am and teaching but I miss it, I won't lie. I also have a craving to go back there when I'm finished here and ask for permission to teach in Mysore rather than traveling around and trying to find a place and having a hard time. In Mysore I'm happy, I have my temples I like to visit, my cafes where I know everyone, my rituals that I like to partake in. And of course all these things can happen anywhere, but Mysore is just where I prefer them to be. And then from there I can travel around India in my off time.

Anyhow, I won't dwell on that too much because I'm here now, I have to teach an evening class today, not my favorite and I'm hoping that I have the energy for it. I'm usually in bed by 7:30pm and to teach until then will be an odd thing, but it's only the one night and Sunday has an afternoon class as well, but not this late.

Have a great day, be wherever you are as fully as possible. Stop thinking so much about things that aren't here yet, or the past that is already over with and you cannot change, or even the things in the present that are the way they are and cannot be changed. It's all good, or it's not, but it's your choice how to feel about each thing in that moment. Thinking about it at other times brings it into your present and alters your present into a state of thinking about that stuff. I know we need to think, but I'm not a big fan overdoing it in a way that can affect us adversely.

Tschüss!

Teaching...

I'm finding out more and more things this month of teaching. There are many things that I'm not sure how to word just yet but lets see how this all comes out.

Okay, I'm loving teaching again, that goes without saying. I wrote a lot about how I was missing it and this is confirmed by the amount of enjoyment I'm getting.

I was told by one student the other day that she just loves the way I'll sit and watch and hold the space for a long period of time, that is when she feels the best in the room. I really always feel like I'm doing something because I'm watching everyone so intently that it feels like I am "doing" but moreso I am being and allowing them to be, unless they need my help that is or I see somewhere I can help them and maybe they don't really want my help lol, but I give it to them...

I always remember watching the videos of Guruji teaching, and in them he was often teaching people doing the advanced series, so you'd think he could relax a little, but he always watched them so deeply and made sure they were doing everything just right, so I made it a goal to do the same many years ago. That holding the space is something not everyone understands either, it means your intention, your practice and your focus is strong and sets the tone of the energy in the room. And people can feel that even if they're not so in touch with energetic sensations, but they just know something is different. So I guess I got that skill honed since others are noticing it now, good. Doesn't mean I can relax, its always a work in progress though!

I also noticed that when you have a led class once a week you should not really allow drop ins on that day only. A led class should ideally be for the people who are regularly coming to Mysore style classes. Now, if you're not doing all your classes traditionally then maybe this doesn't matter, but if you are and you are stopping people when they need to stop to work on a posture, rather than just allowing them to go on until they feel like it, with variations that really aren't preparing them for the work of the postures that follow, then newbies shouldn't be allowed to come only for that one led class a week. For one, with me not seeing you in class regularly I don't know what you're working with, what's going on in your body or knee or whatever issue you may have and so I won't have begun to understand how to help you work in your daily practice with it and then in led class when I see you and see you not doing something but have no idea the reason, then I'll stop you, you'll get mad or rather your ego will, and you won't come back. That doesn't serve anyone anyway. And to me it doesn't matter so much that you don't come back because you aren't committed to the practice anyway, but if you then you'll come to other classes as well and be working on something.

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but do you get what I'm saying? It's too hard as a guest teacher to help someone in led class when I haven't seen them also during the week, but they may not understand if they're only coming sometimes anyway.

That is why a month commitment is imperative in an authentic yoga shala, now I do know people have lives and sometimes life gets in the way of coming to a shala and so that's different. But if you want them to understand this method of yoga, not just asana practice, but yoga, then the commitment is needed. And that will automatically take care of that, and if you want to do a separate led primary class you can and allow them to come to that...

There's more but as I mentioned its not all formulated in my head just yet, so I'm not going to start on them and maybe let them become a disaster, so I'll leave it at this. Love you all, hope to see you on your mat or at a meal, or somewhere, anywhere soon!

Unlocking of self...

So I was watching all the students on Monday of this week, it's Wednesday now. I do this daily but that day I really got an insight. It was after the room got full, maybe 15 people in it, and they were all moving, some in Surya Namaskaram, some in Marichasanas, some in closing, all at different points in the series and I realized that this is like a DNA code of sorts.

We are all doing this sequencing, which like a DNA sequence, can unlock you. What does that mean? Who knows, maybe unlock your physical body. I've always thought of it as a sequence that opens up my body in a certain way and when you're ready and doing a different series you've opened up to a new level. Or the mind? Yes, also the mind. Within the sequencing an unlocking also starts to happen in the mind, which is the real and true work of yoga anyhow. In the emotions? Yes, the emotional body definitely has much benefit from the asana practice. In one way it affects the endocrine systems and balances out the hormones produced from each gland in doing so.

There are many levels of unlocking going on. But first being such a physical practice, that level is what we might notice. I certainly did, some might notice other things first and I think there is no one hard and fast rule to it, but once my physical body was more relaxed and open, then the deeper inner work was able to start. My back was really bad and now is not so much.

The biggest thing I see shift in others is on the emotional and energetic levels. Many doubt these things about a yoga practice, but I've experienced it within my own and have seen it in my friends who I've gone to Mysore with and students I've watched over time. It's also the most beneficial because this is where much of our "stuff" lies. Our issues get stored in our body and then through the vinyasa system, the specific placing of the body in a way with deep breathing unlocks us on that deeper level, perhaps on the DNA level and our buried things are no longer happy being pushed aside and want to be front and centre, so keep coming to the forefront of our mind until we work through the root cause of it.

It's all good, and I don't have some major thing to say. If you want that you can look up John Scott's interviews at Purple Valley where he even gets into the vinyasa count and how it affects everything, quite brilliant, but I've just had my own mini aha moment so was happy to share it even though it's only a little bit so far.

I see the connections more and more in things these days and just now realised John Scott had said all this some years back and that it connects to my moment as well, it's so interesting all this stuff. Really all this yoga stuff I mean.

How it works, how it feels, how it changes, how you change, how you see those around you change, how you feel about the change, how your mind is calmer, how your body is more soft and relaxed, how, how, how... I could go on forever. There seems to be no end to the shifts and growth that happens just from doing this strange stuff, but I love it!

Why fearing...?

The above saying which is a famous one from Guruji, K. Pattabhi Jois, and now used still by his grandson who is my guru has been on my mind a bit lately.

I do a lot of things in my life that would stop many people because of their fear. And I am afraid often when I'm doing them, so how am I able? And why do I dive into my fear so easily, rather than avoid it or run away from it as many others do?

This yoga for one. Ashtanga Yoga if you listen to all these people who never practice it will hurt you, shorten your life span, blah, blah, blah. All sorts of bullshit spouted off about it all the time. So when I discovered it and realised it was for me I was afraid and yet I still went forward with it. I did end up hurting myself a lot in those first years, but it wasn't the asana practice that did it, it was my pushing and my lack of bringing the full idea of yoga into my asana practice.

Traveling is what has really been on my mind a lot, and especially today when I've spent a lot of time alone I've been thinking a lot. I'm walking around in a foreign country, which really is no longer foreign to me as I lived here for four months earlier this year and now I'm back again for a month in this town that I'm so familiar with and two months in a town two of my favourite people live in, Frankfurt, after this. And I don't speak the language here, but I'm used to that after those four months and now I do really hear many words in conversations that I recognise and can piece together what is being talked about.

I spend many months each year, and in fact consider India my home, in a culture that I don't speak the language of but as above I've started understanding enough words that when I hear a conversation I can figure out what is being talked about. There the difference is that most often they realise I am from abroad and come to me speaking English often before I get the chance to try my rudimentary Kannada or Hindi on them. Unless I'm dressed a certain way, wearing a lungi or such, then they assume I"m from Kashmir. This last 6 months in India I was taken for a native more times than I can count and that makes me happier than I can ever explain, my heart is there and one day I hope to be an official citizen.

But here in Germany I look like I am German, in fact much of my heritage comes form here so they're not wrong, but I don't speak the language and I realise it when they come up and just say things to me because I then realise I know very few words, but when I look blank and say sorry, they realise and speak English to me.

I go out around town a lot too and still have fear about this but I can't let that stop me. I am a social creature half the time and the time I opend at home I don't have to worry about understanding the culture or knowing the language.

I do have to say that I think I love living in the fear. And in feeling this way I no longer believe it is fear, but maybe a better word would be in awe. Awe of the common ground we have as humans and how even though they find out you're not really one of them they immediately feel like they want to take care of you and explain things or help you figure out where you're going or what som word means on a menu or on a placard in the market.

Being alone in all this makes it feel even more exciting, or full of awe. I almost wrote awful but really that isn't understood as the word I think its supposed to mean as I now look at it after having typed it. If something is awful, isn't that a good thing?!? There is a Hebrew saying that I learned when I was studying Kabbalah which means fear of god, but the word is escaping me at the moment, but when translated by my Kabbalah teacher it was in awe of God, or just in Awe because everything is god. I wish I could remember that word or phrase because it was powerful. And according to him it was the state we want to live in, in awe. And maybe as I'm writing this I realise I am living in that state.

So does that mean that living outside one's comfort zone is the key to living in awe?!? Maybe so, or rather probably so. There's that famous meme that has a small circle with comfort zone written in it and outside the circle which is a very large space it says where the magic happens. This is true, within the comfort zone some amazing things can happen but true transformation of the inner being seems to only happen outside that circle. Hmmm, this is exactly where I've been living especially this past year and some months since I left St. Louis.

When I would go away to Mysore, or wherever I went (I've been traveling alone since 1991 when I took my first plane to Cincinnati on my own, began my sojourns to Chicago alone that same year, drove all over the country in 1997, to Florida, to Colorado, to many other places, all by myself) I would have this amazing growth experience and expand in ways I could never make anyone understand but once I got home I'd fall back into my old patterns and get comfy again and lose much of what I'd learned, until yoga. Then I though I'd go to India immediately and did go to meet Pattabhi in five months. But never went to India. I think innately I realised that I'd never be able to be the same again, and even when I came back each year I often kept many of the changes that happened but realised after that third trip when I came back the fourth time it had to be for good.

SO then Germany came up and back to India and now back to Germany, both uncomfortable places that I've learned to love and have built families in. So I think going back is for sure out of the question, and if and when I do it will be known that its not for good because I don't belong there anymore. I belong wherever I am at that time, which maybe back home for a visit sometimes, but not permanently. And it definitely is in India, especially Mysore, but it's for certain to be in teaching this yoga.

This week in only three days so far of being back to teaching I've realised in a big way that this is to be a part of my life and that I can't go without it or for so long again. It's part of the yoga for me. I do my own practice, stuff comes up and as I'm teaching and getting out of my head about things they are allowed to flow away and it seems that when I let them go during this time they don't come back up again. Yes, it's nice.

What a great life I've created for myself. If you can get out of your own way and stop trying to do things, then universe will be more free to deliver the things you want to you, maybe in ways you don't understand at first, but for sure in ways that will be beneficial.

Leaving...

I know I've been whining a lot about leaving Mysore lately, on my Facebook and in person if you've seen me around town. I've left here two trips back where I was so distraught about leaving and that summer at home was when I decided to live in India only. And by chance, I vomited all the way to the airport, I can refer you to my friend Katie if you want to hear about that cab trip lol...

But this time has been worse. I've been feeling emotional beyond anything I've felt in my life, even yesterday I was getting a sore throat and ended up with a fever, this morning I went to breakfast with some friends then to a temple and one of them and I decided to go up Chamundi Hill, and so we did. I hit my head just before coming back down, so hard that I almost passed out and believe I got a mild concussion of sorts, god I'm a mess, I came home after and could only sleep for some hours. Now I'm a bit better.

But the better part of that journey up the hill was that as we were rounding the corner just before you reach the parking area near the top I saw a random temple, well, not really random but I'd never noticed it before and was drawn to stop and see it. We went inside, Shiva lingam, goddess and Vishnu, all in one. The lady was talking to my friend and telling him how devotional the Westerners are who come, they gave up prasad and talked to us for a long time and they loved that I live here and said I must be connected to the goddess or I wouldn't have seen their little temple and come, and they are very right on that front.

This time here I've discovered a deeper level of connection to the goddess, to that energy really, than ever before in my life. I've discovered that its a very pervasive energy here in Mysore, the town itself is named after the asura Mahisasura, whom the goddess herself defeated here on Chamundi Hill and so she is strongly worshipped here. But since I've been doing some major tantric poojas to Kali that I've found I am building an energy that is palpable and many are able to see and feel it and bring it up to me on the street, much like the lady this morning. She could see that around me, like the lady I wrote about on a Facebook status who gave my friend flowers from his patron deity and me from Chamundi, without knowing for sure, only from reading our energy. It's lovely and this I will miss.

I think these evening poojas I've been doing have brought this strongly but also the little family Kali temple I found which has such strong energy, and the Adi Shakti temple I found that also has such strong energy. So I'm energetically in a good place to leave, strong, full and at peace. So why then am I so delicate around leaving? Why is it eating me alive from the inside out?

I am going to a place where I know the students and love teaching them, I love teaching anyway, but these I know so its even better. It will be cold and that is not something I want to deal with but its not going to be as cold as it is back home during the winter, so I think I'll survive. I did last winter after all and was in the same town even. Hmmm...

I'm not typically a delicate person, but maybe since I'm embracing emotion at the level that I am these days it's affecting me more? In the things I've read mostly they say if you invoke the feeling then it brings more to the plate and you get more benefits, so I am, and I am getting more benefits. Maybe this level of awareness is just a side effect and I need to adjust to it, possibly.

I think being here during a time that many friends are here and all will be practicing with Sharath, except me, would be harder to deal with so the alternative of staying doesn't seem so good either. I'll figure it out, I just wanted to acknowledge it by writing about it and see if that stimulated something, so now I've done that.

I'll be back most likely after my stint in Frankfurt and travel a bit, maybe visiting Mysore just at the end of the month and can see my friends, and then go to Gokarna from here and a couple other places before heading to the north and checking out teaching up there. All of it will come together, I just need to let it, not try to figure it out and kind of really, get out of my own way and allow it to flow. Something I'm usually good at, so maybe this resistance in my body is coming from that, probably so.

Anyway, enjoy yourself, I'll write some once I'm settled in Germany and see how the wifi is, talk to you soon...

Divali or Deepawali or Diwali or ...

This holiday as many things in India comes from many different standpoints, each state almost has their own interpretation, but within each state different areas celebrate different aspects of it.

In much of the north it's celebrated as the time when Rama came back from his exile in the forest so that he could move off to rescue Sita and destroy the asura Ravana. In some areas of the south Krishna is revered as this time he killed the demon Naraka, and yet in Bengal it's a time they revere Kali for having destroyed the many demons she is renowned for killing.

But the general idea is it's a festival of light, there are stories about why they put lights everywhere as well. All these things including the above stories you can google and find out easily enough. I talk about this type stuff all the time so if you're in my presence I'm sure you'll hear something of them from my interpretation as well, so I'm not going to get into the individual stories although you, if you read my blog regularly or follow my Facebook or Instagram account know which God I follow.

This is about the idea of the light overcoming the dark. I'm not such a big worrier about destroying the dark, without it how would we even know the light was there? It takes contrast to show us these things and without the shadows we would be able to see nothing anyway, so I'm more of the mind that we embrace the dark little corners of our being rather than push and shove to get the light into them, because as one moves the lamp the shadows move into different spots anyway. And often it changes it focus as well as it moves. Different issues tend to stick in different areas of the body and we highlight them when move our focus from one area to another!

The point is we all have darkness, if that is what we need to call it. Or the metaphor is we all have demons, so whether you're Krishna, or Vishnu in any form, Kali or any god or goddess who's killed one, the metaphor is working through ones own issues and coming out the other side with a new understanding. Those understandings can change and deepen as well, they're not guaranteed to stay gone, but usually to change form, so an embracing of them is much more apt to do the job than to try to rid yourself of them completely.

As long as we're in a body we're not likely to rid ourselves of our issues, but if we can learn to work with them or through them then maybe we can be a lighthouse, or lamp, to another as they are just learning that overcoming things is possible.

Happy Divali all! May your light, and your "darkness" be all bound up together! lol

Things...

This morning I slept in a bit, got up and practiced, then showered and did my morning pooja then headed for breakfast. After breakfast I always go to temples, usually not just one depending on which day it is.

I always go do Ganesh first here in Gokulam. It's like my home base because it was my first Hindu temple I'd ever been into. Then I went to the Ramakrishna ashram to meditate during the silent pooja they do there at 9am, I was early so I just meditated, got into a really open place too. This has become a regular part of my day here and one that will be sorely missed when I leave two weeks from tomorrow night.

Then knowing it was Monday I decided to go to the Sri Chandramouleshwara Swamy temple, it's a Shiva temple not too far away and the one I frequented most in the recent years here. They do abishekam on Sundays and Mondays and having gone yesterday I felt that that vibration would be good for me this morning. During the abishekam, which is where they wash the lingam with various substances, there are many priests there sitting on the floor chanting. It's a nice environment to be in and the chanting is very grounding, I used to go to this one back in St Louis so the chants are familiar. It was just what the doctor ordered.

When I left there I noticed its a cooler morning and cloudy again, so a nice morning for a drive since the pollution tends to be not as bad until the evening on days like this. So I drove into the city and ended up going to my favourite Shiva temple built by stone carvers, so there is big life size Nandi in front of it and all the deities carved all around it are amazing, plus it's deeply quiet inside, even when their doing abishekam and chanting. Yes, most Shiva temples do a public abishekam on Mondays since it's the day to venerate him. This one is very different though.

After I finally left there on the way back is this new place I discovered, well, it's not new but it is new to me. Half of it is a Ganapati temple, the other half a Shiva and Chamunda temple, it's all open air and in the back there's a huge peepal tree and Hanuman hidden from the road, it's a complex really and amazing. I just love it. So when I arrived they'd finished their abishekam already and aarti and giving out prasad, the young priest gave everyone a handful of the khesari bath prasad and then told me to wait, and he gave me a full bag of it and then another bag of the kara bath, one is sweet, one is savoury, and when you eat them together at a restaurant they call it chow chow bath. Very good stuff and I got huge helping. After Shiva I went over to worship Chamunda, who is usually known as Durga in most places and Chamunda refers to Kali (as in the Devi Mahatmyam) but she is still the fierce form of the mother and since my Kali temple is not open on Mondays I got as close to her as I could, so the same young priest (a rather hot young man, I know, sorry) saw me over there and came to do aarti with me again with Maa, very nice of him and in many temples they won't bother to do it at all, so I'll enjoy it while I get the special treatment!

I sat inside the temple grounds on the floor, which is customary to absorb the vibration and take it with you into your day, eating a bit of both and when I left there was a beggar there so I offered him the remaining prasadam which he accepted gladly and began eating it as I was getting on my scooter and putting on my helmet to leave.

On the way back to Gokulam I was really feeling full but was also realising that I will be having to find that fullness within from only internal resources soon, since I'm leaving. And I am able to to do this, just was reflecting on it and that it can be harder to do on ones own, but not impossible.

This practice has opened me up to so many possibilities, like these interactions with the locals, that I cherish and always hold dear to my heart. They really do embrace you and are more open to you coming into their system of worship so fully that you begin to feel like you belong here, like you're a native and this really is your life. I've decided it has to be, and more fully. I don't like leaving these things and should not have to, so after this trip my major work will be how to figure out where I'll teach and then to do it and build from there and yet maintain connection to back home. I've been thinking about it a lot, but wouldn't trade being here for the world. Now I just have to figure out how to take this inner world I create with me, or rather not allow the "other" places I'll be going to take this away from me. And I will get closer each time that I go back..

Okay, it's enough. Just wanted to share...

Frustration...

I've made a lot of posts lately that feel like they were fueled from extreme emotions, and maybe they're not as extreme as I think they are, it's just that I'm so much more sensitive to emotion in general lately that makes them feel bigger. And I tend to be a dramatic person, yes, I do know this about myself.

This whole summer in India has been a deep time of self discovery for me. Granted most would say that these last almost 18 years seems to have been that, since my yoga journey began, so what more is there to discover?!? Well, it would seem a lot. It seems that we are never done figuring shit out, letting go of old patterns, creating new ones, integrating the new space into our being, and so much more. So why frustrated then?

Well, I've figured a lot out about myself and often in the past once I did that new opportunities seemed to be rolling in. And yes, there are new opportunities coming at me right now, but none of them are what I want. I even keep thinking about going back to the US to either my old city and beginning anew there, or to a new city and taking over a Mysore program that maybe needs a new authorised teacher as the old one leaves, or establishing a new one in a new city. Or I could do this in another country or on another continent.

But I really want to do this in India, I'm not sure why, but I know that at midnight tonight I awakened for some reason and the thought processes were so strong that I've not been able to go back to sleep, so I decided to write so I could work through some of this and maybe salvage the rest of the night with some fitful rest.

Money is a big issue right now, it's not coming in and it's neither staying with me when it does come it. There seems to be a never-ending request for larger amounts of funds here in Gokulam than in most other areas of India. And I've typically been very good at manifesting funding for almost everything I've wanted, but in this state of frustration the universe just doesn't seem to want to yield or it finds things the money needs to be spent on more quickly than I would have expected.

I'm also missing teaching and want to get back to it right away, and I will be in a few weeks in Germany doing just that, but that's for one month. I'm in talks to teach in another town as well but nothing seems to be coming together quickly enough so that an outline can be made. I say outline because I'm very used to things changing within the framework that has been laid out, but lately I can't even get the framework to stick. That is a big frustration, especially since I really just want to be able to travel a little bit and figure out where I want to establish my base, and then do just that.

But then the feeling that I'd love to just live in Mysore and teach here keeps coming up, a friend even told me the other day that I should cancel everything and do just that. If I have faith in it then the universe will yield results. This I do know to be true, so where is my faith lately? Why have I not followed my heart completely? This is something I've been doing for years since I became aware of the Law of Attraction, so why am I not able to just let go and do it now ?Hmmm...

Why indeed. I wish I had an answer for that. I seem to be full of faith and wonder with the deeper way my spiritual/religious life has taken. I really am enjoying being a more devoted Kali worshipper, feeling more open, more peaceful inside, but also more like I just want to join an ashram and go be a monk. Of course I love teaching Ashtanga and want that to also be a part of my life, and do enjoy living in the world a bit too much to be monk, and yet there they both are. Desires that seem to be moving in opposing directions. Hmmm, have I stumbled upon my very issue?!? Maybe pulling out the laptop and letting myself just pound away at the keys has yielded results!

So now, more to think about... hahahaha. Or really, feel about. I need to take these few days and be with myself more fully. See how I feel when I'm thinking and then follow what direction that leads me in, one of those two options above does feel better than the other one, but which one? I'll figure it out.

Thanks for reading, this blogging process really does help me. Knowing that you read it or not doesn't really matter one way or the way as far as my personal processing goes, but I do get messages or have people stop me on the street and tell me how something has helped them, so I really do appreciate that it can be not just me ranting to myself but that there is a bigger thing possibly going on here.

Namaste...

Surrender...

I've written about surrender many time before but it keeps rearing its ugly head. Especially this trip to Mysore I've had more and more to let go of at levels of being that I never thought possible. And it may seem like I'm being dramatic about this stuff but for me its a real thing, we have much to work through and get around or integrate and embrace in life and this practice keeps showing me those things. Many of them petty things, like today I have to move into the apartment on the roof so I'm not happy about it, it's small and hotter up there, but the house was already rented for this time by a lady and I knew this when I got here. The thing is I wasn't even supposed to still be here in Mysore lol, I meant to be somewhere else teaching already. But it just so happened that I felt the need to stay and so I did.

During this time I've worked on a lot of my inner demons and have made friends with them, so now they are holding on to my personality even just a slight bit less. That is the work and its the work I've been doing all summer. I keep finding more and more of them, and what a better place to be doing it than in Mysuru, the proper name of Mysore. It's named after the asura Mahisasura that was defeated here by the goddess Chamunda (Durga to the general population, Chamunda is another name of Kali, but here they call her this).

Letting go, letting go, letting go. People have asked how much can one let go of? Or how much more can you possibly let go of?!? I am not saying I'm letting go of these things, they are a part of me. But I'm working toward letting go of my attachment to them. That is all I can do. Not allow the things to control my ego and thereby control me.

And that is all I am doing. There were many of these types of things I've worked on or through this summer, but now I'm going to go move my shit upstairs and work on that attachment to the fact that in my mind this is my home, it still is in many ways, but not really. I've just been through a lot of inner stuff here in this particular abode.

Mmmmmm, okay, here I go.

Full moon...

I love going to bed later, not all the time but when I know the next day is a full or new moon and that I do not have to wake up. Obviously I've awakened early for many, many years so its in my body to do so, but at least there is no alarm involved and lying there in bed longer can happen. I still do my morning pooja of chanting and a bit of pranayama, but no asanas.

Also normally the Kali temple I go to is only open Tuesday, Friday and Sunday, Tuesday and Friday being the traditional goddess worship days here in India, in most parts of the country anyway. But it's also open on full moons, so I drove by and saw that it was open having forgotten this and then went to buy a mala of marigolds for her then came back and it was empty so I was able to just sit in there and be able to absorb the energy in the temple, which was nice, especially for a day with no asanas practiced, so immediately my body and mind felt better, more clear, open and peaceful and ready to move into the day. But also not ready to be in the world around a lot of people, so I've been home most of the morning, being contemplative, reading Ramakrishna's biography, reading about the divine feminine in this new book I've got and just being.

Now I'm listening to a podcast where Taylor Hunt is having a conversation with Harmony Slater. Both are friends and people I look up to, but being a goddess worshipper Harmony holds a special place in my heart. She is one of the strongest women I've ever met and super great with her approach to yoga. She also can completely adjust my SI joint in a great way that opens up my body and really since she assisted me in backhanding two seasons ago, almost a year and a half, my back has been really great and more open.

In this podcast she's discussing a lot about India and how magical it is, her experiences with Guruji(Pattabhi) and Sharath and how their energy has helped and changed her life. These are things I've been contemplating now for a few days, really for the last few months that I've been here in Mysore, but more so this week since the moon often brings up my inner ideas for contemplation. So it's nice to feel and hear these things from someone else, especially a strong and powerful woman who makes me think of my chosen God, Kali. Yes Harmony if you read this, I mean it, but thank you for being you!

In thinking of my experiences here in Mysore I have to say oddly there is a magic here that can't exist anywhere else, and maybe its because they have consistently believed in magic for so many thousands of years that the magic is in the soil, is in the air, in the water. Just it's here and hasn't gone anywhere for some time. Do to their belief in a guru/shishya relationship for learning yoga, for learning everything really, including music and Ayurveda and most others things, that magic also can come into your learning if you find a real teacher, a real guru. Not one of the fake ones that seem to be all around the world these days.

I'm lucky to have found this system that is so steeped in this ancient tradition, from Pattabhi to Sharath. Having seen and experienced Pattabhi and his energy in person only a few weeks of time, not months or years as many of my piers had, was special and I'm glad to be able to say I had this as a part of my life. But with Sharath I've received much hands on input, with hands and with his words even more so. His energy is not quite as big as his grandfathers was, but it is heading in that direction. When you're in the room with him and he's looking at you, his eyes just pierce through the back of your skull, or they seem to be burning holes into your very being. Not many people have this and I am grateful for it, and grateful that karmically I've been given this chance to be with him in person, to be living right up the street from him and able to have casual conversations seemingly randomly with him as he's walking and just for him being a part of my life for the past 17 years...

I've talked a lot about this stuff in other blog entries so I don't need to get deep into it. I really on this day of the full moon wanted to express my gratitude for this life, for this practice as it helps me unfold and manifest in my life more fully, for those I've met in Mysore and around the globe and the input they have had even if it was just their presence. Not everyone gets to feel these things but I have, and hope to continue to move deeper into this as my lifestyle and experience more and more, but not just for me, for my students. As I move into this and can bring more to the plate when I'm teaching, wherever that is as this year continues to unfold. I'm excited, and I'm happy.

Thanks, namaste...

Obstacles...

Now, there are probably some better terms for an obstacle that seem more positive, but I don't see the word as negative, so I'm going to use it.

Abraham (of Abraham-Hicks) would call it contrast. I do use this word a lot because often it applies. But since I frequent the Ganesh temple here in Gokulam and he is the remover of obstacles I decided to focus on this word today.

Ganesh is also known as a bit of a trickster as he'll often place the obstacle in your path, so that you are forced to stop and deal with whatever issue is there. Kind of like an old saying I used to hear from the older people in the yoga community in St. Louis, if you have an issue and ignore it, don't worry, it'll get bigger. I feel this is a similar thing.

Life will show you contrast and your job is to acknowledge it and move on around it, not to stay there noticing it all the time. Because then just more and more will come and each time it comes it will seem a bigger issue. But if you embrace it, work through the issue and let go of it once its taken care of, then that thing will likely not visit you again. And if it does that means you didn't really let go of it.

And with this I'm talking about internal things, things in your emotional and psychological being that need to be handled. Not necessarily not paying your bills, or not finding a job and stuff like that. Although those things are often cleared up as well once you take care of the internal work that needs done.

Ganesh is worshipped often times before any other deity, and is often present in most temples even if they are Vaishnava spaces as well. I frequent the one here that is close to my house before I go anywhere else, mostly because it was the first temple I ever went into but also because I love it there, he's often dressed differently, covered in turmeric, covered in bananas, many different things. But also the energy there is nice and I just like the place and I've gotten to know the priests and they are dear to me and gracious each time I come.

The idea is he'll remove the obstacles that exist between you and him, but also between and the deity that presides in said temple. His father Shiva will come in and completely destroy the thing, which can be useful but also I believe may give you less of a chance to deal with the underlying issue, but it can work as well, just depends on what you need. Then Kali is a whole other thing, but I've written plenty about my experiences with her, so you can refer to other entries.

So in a way the obstacles are the path. Without them we would not grow, without coming up against things that no longer was serving us how would we even know that we were ready to move on to a new approach to that thing? I used to believe that once someone was enlightened it meant they no longer had these things, but now I think without them why would they even be here in a body at all? It's just that you get better at observing, so when the thing comes up you see it sooner and some I believe can even just allow it to leave, or let it go in simpler terms, then move on to just being wherever they are at that time. I have noticed I can do this with certain things, but not others, so I'm still just a human lol, not a super human just yet. God, as if...

I'm not saying we should go out and seek out the obstacles, but when they do appear should we be so freaked out by them? Hopefully no, but if we are should we judge ourselves harshly for that? Hopefully no as well.

We're, well maybe I should say I'm because I really can't say why others are engaging in yoga practice. But I am practicing so that I can become more aware, more conscious, be more present with whatever I'm doing, be more understanding because I've been there, be more me and me is really the spirit seeing, hearing and feeling through these lumps of clay and water we call bodies. Be more spirit? Maybe, or maybe just being more aware that we're all spirit and can approach each other this way rather than through only physicality. Isn't this the meaning of namaste anyway?

Do we mean it when we say namaste, or even namaskar as they do in North India? I hope so, but first we have to know the meaning of the words even if we only know it topically, not at a deeper level. I think this week and over the past couple months here I've finally come to understand what it means at a deeper level. Doesn't mean I won't forget and have to remember all over again, but it does mean that maybe next time it will come more quickly.

Namaste...

Navarathri...

This word above means nine nights, now nine nights of what you might ask? That would be the 9 pervasive aspects of the Goddess Durga, Durga who embodies all the shakti of the universe but who also can separate herself into a different goddess embodying only one aspect. There is much more to her than just the nine qualities but it's enough, it's a big celebration, all the kids are even out of school and it's a very powerful time to be here.

I personally connect the most with Kali, which I've written about a thousand times, but this past week the connection has been very, very strong. In my meditations sometimes I'm even feeling her hand on my shoulder as I sit and chant her names and have visions of her being there in front of me. Now, some in the west, or most even, will think this makes me crazy and maybe I am. I'm reading the biography of Sri Ramakrishna who lived with the Kali murthy in Dakshineswar outside Kolkata for 30 years, having experiences of her and slowly becoming recognized as a god realised saint. I'm in no way implying I'm a saint, but what I am saying is that my love and worship of Kali is finally coming into form and I'm feeling the influence throughout my whole day, where before I had trouble in those few minutes I'd be chanting her names to even feel her, now fruition is coming. Hopefully not the end, but the beginning of a life long relationship.

This morning being the last day of the nine day festival they acknowledge Kamala, which the name itself means lotus flower, but she is more widely known as the tantric version of Lakshmi. She embodies abundance. The goddess's son Ganesha is therefore very revered on this day as well, and as I walked into the Ganesh temple here in Gokulam I wished immediately I could take a photo of him. He was decked out in silver, usually being black basalt, sometimes covered in turmeric, leaves, vibhuti, bananas, but most often the black stone that's so abundant in the south. But to see him with only yellow and white flowers covering him in his silver form was radiant and magnificent. I can't even tell you how it made me feel.

Then after I went to the little Kali temple I've been raving about, and she too was in her silver form. Radiant, even her tongue hanging out was silver. I feel the power in this little room, it makes me feel things I forget after I leave, but the memory of connection stays with me. I also went by a tiny little Chamundi temple in the area, she was in brightest red this morning, all of them were just amazing this morning. I'm having one of those god days where I'm feeling the energy a lot.

I just read in the biography of Ramakrishna about him telling one of the men who was in charge at the temple how if the body is not ready when the energy becomes realised that it has troubles, like he would go out into space and seem to not be there, his body vacant and still. And it happened often with him. I know this because of the asana practice. I've had a hard time practicing this week, and I believe its because of the energy coursing through the air, through me. Today being no exception I overslept and woke up very hungry so proceeded to shower, do my chanting and leave for breakfast and morning temple visits. I'll get back in touch with the asanas tomorrow, they are a tool, and are cumulative, so I'm feeling okay mostly in my body. But I'd still feel much better today if I'd prepared the vessel for the energy it would be channeling this day, I'm a bit overwhelmed and spent already, but still ready to go.

This week I've visited temples at night also since that is when they celebrate even more, last night having a great experience from the little Chamundi temple in Vijayanagar. Tonight I'll go to the Adi Shakti temple near it. And maybe go back to Kali again just for the ending of these nine days celebration.

Also today they celebrate the weapons that Durga used to destroy the demons. There were many and were all given by the gods when they summoned her, so you can google them if you're interested, but it's symbolic anyway. The demons being our inner issues that need dealing with and the tools being the yogic tools we're given, sometimes other things. In "real" life it translates to people decorating their cars with flowers and marks of Shiva and much more. The Ganesh temple had so many vehicles in front of it to be blessed that the road was blocked on that side, which of course was causing a traffic jam on the other side! This is a unique thing that I've not seen in any other cultures mythology that I've studied, the gods themselves want to be worshipped, not their implements they provide you with, and often Zeus provided folks with shields, or swords or things of that nature. So it's very interesting to observe and to take part in. If you do end up googling her weapons read about what each one represents and how it affects the death of the demons, it's very specific and can be powerful if you're open to it.

So today notice the energies within you, all around you, feel the strength in the femininity of these energies and how powerful the divine feminine is. Also take the time to appreciate all the implements in your life that you use to maintain well being for yourself, for your family. That could be oils you burn to heighten your mood, the knives and forks you use to prepare and eat dinner, the washrag you use to wash the unclean from your body. Your car and how well it works as it takes you where you need to go. Your church as a place of worship which can help keep your mind and sensibilities in a good place. Etc... You decide, worship to me means to be appreciative, feel the energy of the things and how they flow in your life and be grateful for them, even be grateful for how they manifested into your life. Feel love and peace and enjoy them when they manifest, Be happy and when you're not happy be okay with it, knowing that it's leading you back to happiness again. Treat others with love and kindness because you don't know what they're going through internally. Help when they ask if it's in your ability to do so, but also ask for help when you need it and don't be ashamed to admit you just can't do it on your own at this time.

Be okay with things, knowing that whether or not they are the way you want them they are showing you the contrast which can help lead you back to the life you have envisioned. But mostly because being okay with them keeps your internal being in a much more pleasant place. Fighting within you just keeps you in turmoil and that manifests more turmoil.

Enjoy this life we're given. Feel the reflection of those around you and notice what about it you like and what you don't like and move in the direction that feels better. Don't worry about it if others judge you, what they like shouldn't matter to you and your likes have nothing to do with them. I've been nervous to discuss this Kali thing to the depths its really been happening inside, but here it is and there's more, but it's not the point of this entry so no need to go further.

As the quote I just put on Facebook from Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, the founder of the Ashtanga Yoga system, says: "One month, two months, two years, ten years. No use. Whole life. Whole life is practice. That is the method."

We never get it done, we are here for a long time and the whole time we are meant to be conscious or working towards a deeper level of awareness, of that around us but only in context of how it reflects what we're putting out there, but mostly of that within us. Let's do this and call upon that inner shakti to help up fight those demons, not fight them into submission, but move them into integration and becoming more whole, more complete human beings...

I'm just me...

I'm feeling, well, a lot of things lately. Feeling being the operative word. I am not quite so moved by my emotions very often, but lately I have been feeling everything at a different level. Not sure if I like it or not either, but I'm just feeling them anyway so it doesn't really matter what I like I guess.

Last week my practice was great, my body was open, my mind was calm, my feelings were there but I was able to just observe them. This week, well, not even the whole week, mostly just the last two days, I'm overwhelmed with the emotions, having a rough time with my body, with being around people. All sorts of things.

When you think of yoga and that it is really cessation of the fluctuations of the mind, or rather its the fluctuations being there but just observing them and not allowing them to get control over you, then you think, or should I say I think, that it should be less like a roller coaster ride than it is. But maybe the point is we're always just human and once we gain a certain level of consciousness we might imagine that things are easier, but maybe they are more intense because as awareness deepens, sensation deepens. The more sensitive you are to how you're feeling, the lesser amount of feeling it takes to draw your attention so that would mean the lesser amount of feeling it takes to overwhelm you, maybe? Does it make sense.

I think many of us tend to think that once we become big "yogis" that all of life will be easier, but maybe as we refine our senses it just gets harder and more intense and so our level has to constantly keep adapting and maybe during this process things can seem overwhelming at times, or maybe I'm just justifying, or trying to justify, why I'm feeling overwhelmed this week with emotion and sensitive to every little interaction? God, who knows.

No matter what I think being a yogi is I am only just me. I'm a moody guy, which seems to have lessened a lot as my yoga practices have grown over the years. I'm just whatever I am at that time. Sometimes I'm sensitive, sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm nice, sometimes I'm not. Well, I'm usually nice in my own idea of the word but I'm often too honest and people think I'm not so nice, but I'd rather tell you the truth than lie, which I think of as hurtful and damaging. I am many things, including today when I'm feeling as I already described to you above.

So I'm doing my best to make peace with who I am right now, and hopefully you won't get caught up in the crossfire of that!

Lessons...

Usually on even numbered years I have a hard, hard time. Lots of struggle, stress and lessons being thrown at me right and left. 2016 was exactly such a year. So this year started off great and I was led to believe it would be that way.

Now technically it has been pretty good, my grasp of many things has improved including my daily practice, which has grown and shifted in a deeper way and has become easier actually for my mind to grasp. I used to have tons of trouble talking to myself during practice, now not so much.

But ever since my last month in Germany many new things have come up that have caused me to have to go deeper than I ever though I would have to, even though I knew there were more and more depths to dive into. I just though in some of those areas I was safe. Never think you're safe!

I've grown in certain ways that I never thought I would, I've also dived into those depths that I never thought I would. And I'm sure there's more to come in the future, maybe even the near future. But sometimes don't we just get tired of life lessons?!? I do, don't you?

Sometimes don't you just wish you could coast along a bit, not even for a long time, just for a couple days! But life throws you another curve ball.

I've dealt with dengue, with a parasite in Varanasi, with getting in trouble for teaching a couple local students in Mysore, with emotional upset with friends and other teachers in my past life, with upset over many other things while I've been back in Mysore, most of which I've written other blog entries about so if you want to know go check them out! lol

But now Sharath has rejected my for the two months he decided at the last minute to open, which surprises me. For the last four winters I've been here and have never not gotten in. Now, I had already decided that I couldn't afford it, and that I could do other things like cover someone's Mysore program that did get in which would be good because I'd like to make the money and then afford his teachers course next time he has one. But surprisingly I was made very sad by getting the email, and not just one, but seven of them!

In the grand scheme of things this is a very first world problem to have, being upset that I'm not allowed to go and spend way too much money for two months with my teacher. So perspective has been helping me, and I do still have the option to cover a couple different programs, well one of them depending on how it goes and teaching will make me very happy, it is a big part of my life and helps me in my own processing. So I'm really just whining and feeling sorry for myself just a bit, but I know I'll be fine and that in the long run everything happens the way it's supposed to.

I also know that every bit of contrast that the universe throws at me comes from my own self doubt that lies within and is manifesting and it's showing me where the good stuff lies and what direction I need to go in to allow that stuff in. So it's all good, but sometimes whining publicly on your blog can be very cathartic, ahahaha, omg, I'm a mess..

I'm getting my yogic skills honed more and more and am finding out that I don't sink into such despair as I once did, I'm able to notice when I'm going that way and catch myself. But I'm also human, as much of a "yogi" as I think I am I'm not totally steeped in equanimity yet so I'm not able to always do things on the high road like I wish I could, but I don't think I stay on the low road very long if at all these days, so I'm doing better. I'm doing good for me. I'm doing as good as I am able at this point in time!

Okay, enough of that shit. Good night!

Letting go...

Surrender, letting go, allowing, releasing, all similar ideas but what do they mean in the "spiritual" path?

To me who at one time was a very big control freak, still trace amounts of this remain (lol), it means allowing things to be as they are without trying to force them into happening in a certain way. Or the system works a certain way, just let it work that way and deal with what comes up as it comes up. Or, well, it could be any number of things depending on the day and the circumstances that are showing up in my life, so I really can't give you one overall idea of them.

Right now I'm having a couple adverse things coming up, in my consciousness of course, but also in my physical life in ways unexpected. Not going into that here and now, but maybe some day I will. Interesting things that are even new, and you think you've seen or felt it all and nothing could be new, but this is a new way for things to manifest as obstacles.

Because of this I went to this little Kali temple here in Gokulam that I found recently, that I'm also falling in love with. The energy there is so good and the pujari inside is the nicest guy and very welcoming, I'm the first Westerner who's ever come in there. In fact even if there are a ton of people waiting in line to go in, it's very small, they'll often allow me to go first, so they are all welcoming and warm which I'm appreciating more and more these days.

Anyhow, I want there this morning after the Ganesh temple (which I went to see and acknowledge my obstacles, not ask for their removal) and didn't know what to expect, but I also think of the Shiva family as the destroyers, Ganesh removes the obstacles, sometimes puts them there in the first place so you'll recognise the things that need to be worked on, Shiva will destroy them but sometimes can destroy too much, lol, and Kali just comes in there and kills you so you can start over again if its that bad. Actually symbolically cutting the head off of ones ego really, so not a physical death, but as I wrote in a recent blog, death of little parts of yourself that are no longer serving you.

Without expectations I went in, which is really one form of surrender. Allowing whatever sensation to be there that was going to be there. And felt immediately devotional, as if I wanted to just drop to my knees and touch her feet, crying and she being my mother, scoops me up in her arms and cradles me. That was an interesting thing first walking in, that never happens, but there was someone in the little room interacting with the pujari so I did my three spins and did get down on my knees and touch my forehead to the floor while praying. Then standing up, and the other man leaving, the pujari took the flame and did an aarti for me, then gave me teertha and flowers and I applied kum kum to my forehead, then asked for the talisman tied with black string.

The talisman has a specific Sanskrit name that I'm forgetting right now, but inside is a usually a yantra for whatever deity the temple houses, sometimes a mantra, or a prayer, but usually on copper foil. Not to be opened though, it's there until the string breaks or wears off, then you can open it. Often people who are troubled or having issues in life will donate a small amount and have the priest or pujari tie them around your neck or sometimes in Hanuman temples around your forearm, and my friend had asked me to get him one next time I went, so I also got myself one. The pujari also took two handfuls of water and saying a mantra over it in front of Kali Ma's eyes blessing it threw it on me in a baptismal moment where I felt reawakened to my purpose in life.

I had such a dedication I did in Uttarkashi within myself where I took a commitment to this same purpose, no I've not mentioned that yet, but it involved dedicating myself to the service of Kali and her affect on my path, where I also shaved my head and beard. This sensation came back over me and I realised that my anger was okay to feel, as I was feeling anger at a situation that happened this morning, and that it was part of what was chiseling me into a more and more perfected tool to bring awareness to others through the path of yoga and deity worship, amongst other things. And I felt better.

So I again surrendered to the path. The path is one of consciousness, awareness, whatever it takes to wake myself up, and in turn wake other up. I believe people nowadays are calling it woke, but I am a snob and saying it is a bit odd to me because it's not good English, as if that really matters anymore anyway...lol.

Before this ceremony I felt unsure of the yoga I practice, unsure of the form I'm receiving the teachings in, unsure of this love of India I have, unsure of many, many things that I've been dedicated to for a long time. After this ceremony I felt dedicated to exactly what I just wrote, consciousness, awareness, and moving with the flow in whatever direction it takes me to wake these things up within myself and within others. Ashtanga Yoga being the model I'm using to begin the introduction of awareness to others. Does this mean it always will be, no. I will likely always practice it myself because of the amazing things it does for me, but there are other ways I can deliver these things to others, and adapt them for each person depending on who they are, how they learn and what sort of awakening they are looking for. Often times they don't even know that's what they're looking for until after the yoga starts its work on them physically, then mentally, then emotionally, and so on.

I'm not happy just yet, but I feel better and will be happy again soon. I'm also not unhappy, I'm just in a state of extreme awareness of where I am in life, but I'm also because of this in extreme awareness of the direction I'm ready to go in next and will start to take steps that lead me in that direction, being ever aware if I need to change and adapt to a new situation and be fluid so that the best me, the best flow of energy through me, can come to the fore.

Om Klim Kalikayei Namaha, Jai Kali Ma!

Namaste...

Adaptability...

Do you feel you're adaptable? When things change suddenly can you go with the flow of that, or do you immediately judge the situation and think rotten thoughts before giving in and admitting nothing can be done so I just need to go with it? Or there are any number of scenarios I could come up with but I'm not here to list all the possibilities that can and do throw us off.

I do a combination, but I remember when I never adapted and was always angry when things changed all of a sudden. Now after a lot of yoga, a lot of contemplation and work to get my mind in a more positive space (which is still work most of the time) I'm finally in a place where I do the second one above most of the time, and every so often the first one. But that's better than what it used to be.

India taught me these things. I was trained to be very specific in how things should be done and only and ever do them in that way, never deviating. Then would have a secondary attack plan if plan A didn't work. I remember those feelings when they would be big and hard and making me feel so icky inside, but I was much more used to feeling icky then so it had less of an effect on me.

Now when I feel even the tiniest bit icky I am aware of it and trying to bring it around to something else, often by embracing how I am feeling and then allowing it to go away on its own. I used to try to make it change forcefully but when I do that it fights back and makes the emotions feel stronger, right?India though has its own plan for us. We can do the things we want to do, or need to do, but never in the order or the way we think they should happen, so going with the flow is needed. I remember my first trip here having feelings of irritation when something I wanted done didn't happen as soon as I thought it should or at the exact time I had designated for it to happen and someone said to me, oh, that's India for you. And it eventually clicked that I was not in control in the same way as I would be in the west, things there are very organised and controlled but I was definitely not in Oz anymore Dorothy!

Nothing is wrong with feeling what we feel, only when we can't let go of it and judge the situation harshly, or even worse judge ourselves or others harshly.

We are independent creatures, even though we may work well with each other and feel stronger in numbers no one can make us feel better for real except ourselves. I am the only one who has control over my mind, or not, so I cannot blame another for making me feel bad because it was me who allowed their words or actions to make me feel bad. Same goes in reverse, even though most don't like to hear or think that ha ha!If we stay in a space of equanimity we are ideally okay no matter what is going on around us, or not okay depending on what the situation is and have to deal with it internally. Others may seem to make you feel better, but what they've really done is distracted you from the feelings you were having long enough that their hold on you relaxed enough to allow in good feelings and then you forgot the old ones a bit, if not altogether.

This I think is why Santosha, contentment, was included in the Ashtanga philosophy, because without cultivating this nothing else can emerge I believe. Maybe not. This is just what's on my mind right now, tomorrow I could say fuck Santosha nothing is more powerful than Tapas! But who knows. Have a great day!